Washington Horror Blog

SEMI-FICTIONAL CHRONICLE of the EVIL THAT INFECTS WASHINGTON, D.C. To read Prologue and Character Guide, please see www.washingtonhorrorblog.com, updated 6/6//2017. Follow Washington Water Woman on Twitter @HorrorDC ....

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Make Americagate Again!

"What the Hell?!"

"I know," replied triple agent Charles Wu, who had just entered the limo of the very unhappy Chinese ambassador's car to drive around for awhile and chat.  "The State Department is simply not a major player right now."

"Trump confused us with Taiwan!" the ambassador griped.

"It was just his ignorance of the terminology, but he absolutely does not have China confused with Taiwan."

"Not when he is selling weapons!" said the ambassador, sarcastically.  "Then he sells them to Taiwan!  He is also very clear about blame for North Korea--then he says it is Beijing's fault somehow, even though it is not!  Does he think we want nuclear weapons launching from North Korea?"

"Trump doesn't think much, period."  (Wu was speaking with the ambassador in English because the Chinese ambassador did not like Wu's Hong Kong accent in Mandarin.)  "Wu is a very crude man, and whatever education he had in his youth, he has squandered it on a lifetime without intellectual stimulation.  He looks at a couple of things, then goes into a meeting and spouts off.  He has spent decades with sycophants and has no idea he is actually a complete ignoramus and national embarrassment."

"Is this what we are paying you for?" asked the ambassador testily, though he gestured for Wu to help himself to the mini-bar.

"Your Excellency, I have already passed a great deal of Russian intelligence to our interlocutor."

"Russian?  Where is the American intelligence?"

"There simply isn't American intelligence, right now, sir.   I mean that in both senses of the word."  (The ambassador looked puzzled.)  "The State Department policy desks are all grossly understaffed right now, the Secretary of State has zero control of the agenda and is constantly talking out of both sides of his mouth to try to clean up Trump's messes without being fired, the FBI is running a counter-intelligence investigation that encompasses its own Attorney General, the CIA is feeding intelligence to European allies as an end-run around Trump, the Pentagon and National Security Agency are furious that Congress and the White House had nothing to say after Russian hacks into nuclear power plants--your Excellency, American intelligence is paralyzed, American democracy is paralyzed.  The Republicans are so drunk on power they are poised to let spy compounds on U.S. soil be returned to the Russians.  The U.S. has been weakened considerably.  I can't tell you what the U.S. is going to do because the power structure is completely unstable."

The Chinese ambassador turned to stare intently at Wu.  "China cannot be hemmed in by a Russian-American alliance."

"I agree, absolutely," said Wu.

"China cannot be pulled into regional war if Pakistan is drawn into worsening Middle East conflict by Saudi Arabian aggression over Qatar and Iran!  U.S. is not holding back Saudi Arabia!"

"I agree," said Wu.

"Our hackers have found everything necessary to remove Trump from office, but still the imbecile is there!"

"He cannot be removed outside the normal processes, which are slow in a democracy such as this."

"Democracy!" scoffed the ambassador, shaking his head.  "The Republicans reek of corruption now, trying to pass this legislation of tax cuts and health care cuts opposed by over 80% of Americans!  They cause widespread unrest but allow the people to arm themselves, inviting a rebellion.  It is foolish!"

"I agree," said Wu.

"This will not be Russia's century!" the ambassador said defiantly. "If U.S. falls, this will be Chinese century!"

Wu nodded silently.

Ten minutes later, dropped off back in Cleveland Park, Charles Wu was walking the long way home.  Beijing was cracking down on human rights, and his mother was furious about what was happening to democracy activists in Hong Kong.  The Trump Administration would never say a word about any of that, and Beijing might actually become more authoritarian at home while simultaneously more aggressive overseas.  China, to his chagrin, had not followed his recommendation to go public with what they had hacked about the Trump family finances, and Wu was feeling less and less inclined to strengthen their hand globally.  The British were still gratefully paying for Wu's Chinese intelligence, but they were faltering as badly as Trump was on the international stage.  And there was very little Chinese intelligence he was willing to trade to the dangerous Trump Administration.  He caught the sound of his daughter's giggles while still at the corner of the block and stopped in his tracks.  He used to lecture Angela de la Paz about her naivety, but was he the one now in it over his head?  The juggling act used to feel like lightweight balls, but now they felt like bombs with lit fuses.  The other day Liv Cigemeier asked him for another grant to International Development Machine to fill vacuums being left around the world by a withdrawing U.S. aid presence, and Wu found himself shocked to be reminded that there were people in the world who had no idea where he really got his money and why he did the things he did with it.  He was a spy, damn it!  He had already changed the world, hadn't he?  Could he, still?  The problem was, if he got hold of the best secret in the world today, was there anybody he really wanted to sell it to?

Downtown, Justice Department attorney Atticus Hawk had done a lot of questionable things over the course of his career, but selling state secrets was not one of them:  those he was patriotically giving away for free.  Most of the time he was leaking to the FBI about General Sessions--which he felt perfectly justified in doing since Sessions had ignored a court order to hand over information to Congressional investigators--but this week he had gone outside of his comfort zone to leak to the press that Sessions had secretly met with the people behind the transgender bathroom bills.  Every decent law-abiding American man knew you stared straight ahead while doing your business at the urinal, and only complete perverts would want to pass legislation about who was whipping out which private parts where!  That's the bro code!  Just because some repressed Republican had gotten pissed off by discovering his prostitute was transgender was no reason to invite the government into public restrooms!  And if Sessions was hiding the meeting, it was clearly because he was a pervert, too!

"Penny for your thoughts?" asked Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, causing Hawk to jump out of his seat.  "Didn't mean to startle you, son!  I wanted to get a head start on tomorrow's business.  Did you finish that memo on how to re-word the voting commission letter to the states?"

"I did, sir, General, sir, but I think it will only satisfy a couple of the states' concerns.  It's hard to argue with them about centralizing the voter data federally when every state holds the legal authority to run elections.  After all, if Obama had asked for Alabama voter data in 2012--"

"Don't be a smart-ass!" retorted the Attorney General.  "Trump wants to send that letter out again!  It's outrageous they won't answer it!"

"General Sessions, I'm not sure this is the right time to attempt another voter fraud commission letter.  After all, Junior just admitted meeting with Russians at Trump Tower to discuss--"

"I don't know anything about that!" interjected Sessions, angrily.  "I'm recused!  I don't read anything about the Russia investigation!"

"Which, perhaps, is why somebody not involved in the Trump campaign should be making decisions about our voting processes."

"I'm the Attorney-General!"

"Yes, sir."

"I'm in charge of the voting processes!"

"Actually, sir--"

"How can I be recused from our voting processes?"

"Russians might be involved in the voting processes, General."

"WHAT?!  That is fake news, and I'm shocked to hear it in the Justice Department!"

"That's what the Special Counsel is investigating, General."

"I don't know what he's investigating!  I'm recused!  And there's never been sustained, systemic collusion!"

Hawk's jaw dropped at the sound of Kellyanne Conway's propaganda piece's erupting from the General's mouth.  So now it's fake news unless it was sustained, systemic collusion?

Over at the White House, Kellyanne Conway was busy handing out more MAGA hats in preparation for "Made in America Week".

"I'm not wearing this," said Omarosa Manigault, handing hers back.  "Where are the ones that were made in America?  This says Made in China."

"Don't be a smart-ass!" Conway snarled.

"And I hope you're not planning to wear the Ivanka Trump brand all week!" Manigault exclaimed, pointing at Conway's sundress.  "They're made in Indonesia and--"

"Shut up!" Conway barked.  "Who do you think you are?"

"He promised to bring manufacturing back to the--"

"Don't tell me what he promised, missy!  I was working on the campaign while you were still begging for another reality television gig!"

"So does that mean you're entitled to have the campaign committee pay your legal bills, or is that only for Junior and Jared?"

"Maybe you can take that smart mouth of yours over to Capitol Hill and get the Congressional Black Caucus on the bus over here for a meeting!  That's the only thing you were hired to do, and it hasn't happened!"

"Maybe you need to send a bigger bus," replied Manigault (who had already resumed looking for another reality television gig, possibly something about ghosts in the White House).

Up on the White House roof, the hot snipers wiped the sweat from their brows and continued pacing nervously, listening more to the screaming voices coming from inside the building than to anything happening outside of it.

Washington Water Woman is heading out of town for a bit, 
and expects to return to blogging in a couple of weeks....


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