Law Firm of the Soulless
The ethics counsel from the D.C. Bar settled into the dimly lit Palm booth in the back, and after the drinks and dinner order went in, the Prince and Prowling managing partner wasted no time in baring his soul.
"I really just don't know what we should be doing," he said in a very squeaky voice. "DOJ already had us over the barrel with SOTA-BUNK."
"What bunk?" asked the ethics counsel.
"Our review center! And the tax deductions." The managing partner was pulling some hand-written notes out of his breast pocket. "This was a way to get out of judicial monitoring!"
"Okay," said the ethics counsel. "Monitoring for what?"
"That doesn't matter now!" said the managing partner. "We're up to our eyeballs!"
"In what?" she asked.
The managing partner gratefully accepted the high ball from the returning waitress and took a big gulp. "If Senator Breadman knew I was here, he'd kill me!"
"Former Senator Evermore Breadman?" she asked.
"He's already billed $20 million to this for his practice group!" he exclaimed. "And it might double every month at this rate!"
"I don't understand the issue," the ethics counsel said.
"DOJ! They hired us as outside counsel because they're drowning in Trump-related litigation. But we're also billing the Trump companies for all the patent work in Beijing, and new property investments in Philippines and Turkey. Don't you see? The Prince and Prowling firewall is made of paper!"
"Perhaps," said the ethics counsel, finally writing down some notes.
"It's only a matter of time! Donald Trump says he's got nothing to do with Russia, and we're writing a real estate contract for Junior in Qatar with underwriting from a Russian bank, and that bank has two officials living in Trump Tower, and Eric Trump is bragging about how they don't need U.S. banks because of all the Russian financing, and how are we supposed to help DOJ defend Donald Trump when he's just lying all the time?"
"Well--"
"You heard what Comey said in that hearing! It's only a matter of time. Indictments are coming, but whose?"
"It would help if I could see some details about your legal representations," said the ethics counsel.
"They're all over the news!" he replied. "That poor woman Desiree Fairooz who just got convicted for laughing at the Jeff Sessions confirmation hearing: how can Sessions have her prosecuted for laughing at his own confirmation hearing? It's obviously a conflict of interest!"
"And a waste of taxpayer money," she grumbled.
"That taxpayer money is going to us!" cried the managing partner. "Wilbur Ross made a joke that the Tomahawk missile strikes were Mar-a-Lago after-dinner entertainment for Trump, and DOJ wants us to defend a lawsuit that's just been filed claiming intentional infliction of emotional distress and punitive damages!"
"I thought nobody was killed when that Syrian air force base was bombed?" the ethics counsel asked.
"The lawsuit is from a Syrian-born waiter present when Ross made the joke!" he replied. "We've brought on five lateral associates with tort defense experience and acquired a boutique criminal defense firm to keep up with all this. Now we're doing Kushner contracts with Chinese investors while defending an ethics lawsuit against the White House!"
"Have you raised these concerns with senior partners at Prince and Prowling?"
The managing partner burst out laughing. "'Conventional wisdom is dead!'", I keep hearing. We've got insurance companies and the A.M.A. asking us to lobby against Trumpcare, while DOJ wants us to prepare for lawsuits from state attorney generals and the AARP. We've got prosperity-Gospel churches wanting to set up Super PACs after that Trump executive order, and even Breadman is hesitant to do that--I thought that guy would set up a Super PAC for anybody!"
"What's a prosperity-Gospel church?" the ethics counsel asked.
"You don't really need to ask, do you?" replied the managing counsel. "But are we supposed to start setting up Super PACs for churches while simultaneously preparing DOJ to defend another ACLU lawsuit? I'm reading damned law review articles trying to find even a hypothetical blueprint for this, while most of the partners are out there buying red convertibles and investment properties--some of them are condos in Trump and Kushner properties!"
"Well, that's a problem," said the ethics counsel. "Are there any partners at Prince and Prowling who share your concerns?"
"Sure, but they're afraid to say anything! The only one that said something was pushed out of partnership already, and not by me! If Hillary were in the White House, and her daughter and son-in-law got jobs there, the GOP would be eating her alive! People are whispering that this is how things are now, and there's nothing we can do about it, and we might as well make money off it by representing the ruling party."
"The 'ruling party?'" asked the ethics counsel.
"Doesn't seem much point in calling them Republicans anymore."
Meanwhile, back at Prince and Prowling, Bridezilla was hosting a reception for prospective new clients in her Breadman-assigned Russia practice. The junior partner had made little traction against her D.C. competition, and was trying a new approach tonight--a conference room full of glossy law firm brochures laid in-between trays of vodka, caviar, and irises. Tchaikovsky music played softly in the background. Bridezilla, wearing an empress style silk gown with long black gloves, mingled smilingly with her guest--many of whom had been recruited by her boyfriend (once and future spy "Esperantu Edward").
"So this morning the Donald Tweeted that it was Democrats who colluded with Putin, da?" she heard someone saying, followed by laughter. "Even a dummy cannot believe this, da?"
"He only needs a few to believe lies--just enough to stay in power," said another.
Then somebody else brought up the pending Congressional testimony of fired Acting Attorney General Sally Yates, and soon half the people in the room were heatedly speaking in Russian.
"What are they saying?" whispered Bridezilla to Edward.
"Well," replied Edward, stalling for time with a gentle touch of the Faberge egg pendant she was wearing against her breast, "this looks so lovely on you." She nodded, acknowledging the gift, but continued to look at him quizzically. "I believe, my dear, you have unintentionally created a new hub of Russian resistance."
A half-mile away, Ardua of the Potomac seethed in the river while her starlings spied on Barack Obama receiving a Profile in Courage award at the Kennedy Center.
****************************************************
COMING UP:
Trumpcare divides the Zombie Caucus!
"I really just don't know what we should be doing," he said in a very squeaky voice. "DOJ already had us over the barrel with SOTA-BUNK."
"What bunk?" asked the ethics counsel.
"Our review center! And the tax deductions." The managing partner was pulling some hand-written notes out of his breast pocket. "This was a way to get out of judicial monitoring!"
"Okay," said the ethics counsel. "Monitoring for what?"
"That doesn't matter now!" said the managing partner. "We're up to our eyeballs!"
"In what?" she asked.
The managing partner gratefully accepted the high ball from the returning waitress and took a big gulp. "If Senator Breadman knew I was here, he'd kill me!"
"Former Senator Evermore Breadman?" she asked.
"He's already billed $20 million to this for his practice group!" he exclaimed. "And it might double every month at this rate!"
"I don't understand the issue," the ethics counsel said.
"DOJ! They hired us as outside counsel because they're drowning in Trump-related litigation. But we're also billing the Trump companies for all the patent work in Beijing, and new property investments in Philippines and Turkey. Don't you see? The Prince and Prowling firewall is made of paper!"
"Perhaps," said the ethics counsel, finally writing down some notes.
"It's only a matter of time! Donald Trump says he's got nothing to do with Russia, and we're writing a real estate contract for Junior in Qatar with underwriting from a Russian bank, and that bank has two officials living in Trump Tower, and Eric Trump is bragging about how they don't need U.S. banks because of all the Russian financing, and how are we supposed to help DOJ defend Donald Trump when he's just lying all the time?"
"Well--"
"You heard what Comey said in that hearing! It's only a matter of time. Indictments are coming, but whose?"
"It would help if I could see some details about your legal representations," said the ethics counsel.
"They're all over the news!" he replied. "That poor woman Desiree Fairooz who just got convicted for laughing at the Jeff Sessions confirmation hearing: how can Sessions have her prosecuted for laughing at his own confirmation hearing? It's obviously a conflict of interest!"
"And a waste of taxpayer money," she grumbled.
"That taxpayer money is going to us!" cried the managing partner. "Wilbur Ross made a joke that the Tomahawk missile strikes were Mar-a-Lago after-dinner entertainment for Trump, and DOJ wants us to defend a lawsuit that's just been filed claiming intentional infliction of emotional distress and punitive damages!"
"I thought nobody was killed when that Syrian air force base was bombed?" the ethics counsel asked.
"The lawsuit is from a Syrian-born waiter present when Ross made the joke!" he replied. "We've brought on five lateral associates with tort defense experience and acquired a boutique criminal defense firm to keep up with all this. Now we're doing Kushner contracts with Chinese investors while defending an ethics lawsuit against the White House!"
"Have you raised these concerns with senior partners at Prince and Prowling?"
The managing partner burst out laughing. "'Conventional wisdom is dead!'", I keep hearing. We've got insurance companies and the A.M.A. asking us to lobby against Trumpcare, while DOJ wants us to prepare for lawsuits from state attorney generals and the AARP. We've got prosperity-Gospel churches wanting to set up Super PACs after that Trump executive order, and even Breadman is hesitant to do that--I thought that guy would set up a Super PAC for anybody!"
"What's a prosperity-Gospel church?" the ethics counsel asked.
"You don't really need to ask, do you?" replied the managing counsel. "But are we supposed to start setting up Super PACs for churches while simultaneously preparing DOJ to defend another ACLU lawsuit? I'm reading damned law review articles trying to find even a hypothetical blueprint for this, while most of the partners are out there buying red convertibles and investment properties--some of them are condos in Trump and Kushner properties!"
"Well, that's a problem," said the ethics counsel. "Are there any partners at Prince and Prowling who share your concerns?"
"Sure, but they're afraid to say anything! The only one that said something was pushed out of partnership already, and not by me! If Hillary were in the White House, and her daughter and son-in-law got jobs there, the GOP would be eating her alive! People are whispering that this is how things are now, and there's nothing we can do about it, and we might as well make money off it by representing the ruling party."
"The 'ruling party?'" asked the ethics counsel.
"Doesn't seem much point in calling them Republicans anymore."
Meanwhile, back at Prince and Prowling, Bridezilla was hosting a reception for prospective new clients in her Breadman-assigned Russia practice. The junior partner had made little traction against her D.C. competition, and was trying a new approach tonight--a conference room full of glossy law firm brochures laid in-between trays of vodka, caviar, and irises. Tchaikovsky music played softly in the background. Bridezilla, wearing an empress style silk gown with long black gloves, mingled smilingly with her guest--many of whom had been recruited by her boyfriend (once and future spy "Esperantu Edward").
"So this morning the Donald Tweeted that it was Democrats who colluded with Putin, da?" she heard someone saying, followed by laughter. "Even a dummy cannot believe this, da?"
"He only needs a few to believe lies--just enough to stay in power," said another.
Then somebody else brought up the pending Congressional testimony of fired Acting Attorney General Sally Yates, and soon half the people in the room were heatedly speaking in Russian.
"What are they saying?" whispered Bridezilla to Edward.
"Well," replied Edward, stalling for time with a gentle touch of the Faberge egg pendant she was wearing against her breast, "this looks so lovely on you." She nodded, acknowledging the gift, but continued to look at him quizzically. "I believe, my dear, you have unintentionally created a new hub of Russian resistance."
A half-mile away, Ardua of the Potomac seethed in the river while her starlings spied on Barack Obama receiving a Profile in Courage award at the Kennedy Center.
****************************************************
COMING UP:
Trumpcare divides the Zombie Caucus!
posted by washingtonwaterwoman | 8:46 PM
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