The Alt-Alt-Alt blog of Glenn Michael Beckmann!
I have been hard at work doing reconnaissance on the so-called Presidency of so-called human being Donald Trump, and things are truly terrifying, even to this warfare-hardened patriot!!! As my loyal followers know, Trump is a puppet king installed by aliens to weaken human civilization prior to their full-scale invasion of Planet Earth. This is what I have learnt this past week.
1) The secret president of the Hunter-Gatherer Society, Sarah Palin, was one of the first to recognize Trump as a fake, but she was quickly replaced by an alien wearing her skin. (That's why she (it!) is appearing on that Alec Baldwin game show now, instead of rallying against crony capitalism.)
2) The health care negotiations were never even called that!!! I saw the secret papers, and they were WEALTH CARE negotiations!!! That's why it failed: only Representatives who get donations from insurance companies were happy with it, and the rest jumped onto the get-bribed-by-Koch-Brothers wagon train to vote against it.
3) Devin Nunes is NOT a traitor!! He is being blackmailed by the Russians, who taped him with Russian hookers and vodka at the Trump International Hotel! Nobody's been played for a bigger sap than he has. He doesn't even have shares in a Russian gas company! They really got him cheap, but he's a victim.
4) It's true Comey was at the White House on Friday, but NOT because Trump demanded an explanation of that whole "phony intelligence leaks are not illegal" thing from the hearing. It was because Sean Spicer wanted the FBI to make sure no trafficked children were locked up on the grounds by Steve Bannon prior to today's #pizzagate march on DC. (They didn't even call it off after the Comet Ping Ping militiaman from North Carolina pleaded guilty or Alex Jones issued a videotaped apology for the hoax! What a bunch of numb nuts! Everybody knows the pedophile capital of the country is Zanesville, Ohio.)
5) It's not true that Rex Tillerson still only cares about oil! He also cares about liquor and cars. He was going to skip NATO and go straight to Russia, but the NATO generals went BERSERK, so now he agreed to stop in Brussels. From what I've heard, the food is WAY better in Brussels than Moscow, so what the Hell? But he HAS to go see Putin, because he has a friendship medal from Putin, and Putin can no longer even leave Russia because he would be arrested almost anywhere, or killed by poison CIA blow darts.
6) Some people are saying that Flynn is cutting a deal with the FBI to rat out a whole bunch of Trump cronies, but I haven't been able to verify that. For one thing, who ya gonna be more afraid of: the FBI or those "former" KGB agents who are murdering everybody right and left!!!???
7) Some people are complaining that a Trump operation in Iraq just slaughtered a couple-hundred civilians, but his campaign promise was to kill all the terrorists, including their families! And it really frustrates him that he can't brag about it on Twitter, because even Ivanka would get mad at him for THAT!
8) "What is the deal with Ivanka?" everybody's always asking me! "Was she sexually molested by Donald Jr. and has repressed memories about it, so she does whatever Kushner tells her, even turning her kids Jewish and moving to DC, and risking terrorist retaliation on daddy just to promote her perfume brand by getting photographed with Angela Merkel?" I've tried to get close to her several times, but they keep increasing the Secret Service detail on her street! One time there were ten SUV's, I'm not even kidding you! Brittani has stared at videos of her and is CERTAIN she was molested as a girl, but Brittani had a tough life and kinda sees that thing everywhere. But if you're ever reading this, Ivanka girl, my buddies are ready to spring you from that gilded cage any time you decide it's time to go! If I get the entire Hunter-Gatherer Society assembled, ain't no Kushner or Secret Service agent gonna stop us REAL men from liberating you!
9) I have reconnected with Brittani's father, Bubba Blaylock, and he's working security at the White House for Steve Bannon! Yeah, I saved the best for last, readers! He's been a great source of info, so I gotta give him props, even though he IS acting pretty weird, and that Rolex he's always scratching under looks vaguely familiar. Anyway, I haven't told him she's living at my place. They would BOTH be mad at me! He said there's no way in hell he can sneak me into the White House, but if Bannon ever goes to Mar-a-Lago, that might be another story. And he said there's no point in planting bugs because they're sweeping that place all the time, but he doesn't mind telling me some stuff. He does give me the creeps, though--he's definitely changed since we rescued Brittani. Has a deranged look in his eye! (People used to tell ME that, until I started on marijuana, so I know what I'm talking about.) I asked him if people are scared of Bannon, and he said they're constantly taking his ammo away from him and he'd be a wuss in a knife fight. He pinched a cleaning lady on the ass, and she sprayed Pledge right in his eyes! Real men don't pinch, I'll tell you that!
Out on the river, Angela de la Paz had just come from her surprise appearance at her son's third birthday party with his adoptive parents. She could have just visited Lucas in the Dreamtime, but she had not felt his physical embrace for a long time. Nor her boyfriend's: she pulled on one of his shirts and headed into the houseboat kitchen to see what she could cook up for Dulles, who was out somewhere. She could feel the growing presence of Ardua of the Potomac slinking around the river bottom, feeding on greed, egomania, revenge, even treason. These were the ugly ways of the world, threatening to erupt in a volcano in Washington: the longer that molten lava was held down, the more deadly the eruption would be.
"You're back," the FBI agent said, now standing in the kitchen doorway. "It smells good." He was afraid to kiss her.
She put down the spoon and walked towards him. "I had a vision."
Washington Water Woman is fleeing the country for a bit, but hopes to return to blogging in a couple of weeks...if martial law is not declared and the borders are not sealed....