Washington Horror Blog

SEMI-FICTIONAL CHRONICLE of the EVIL THAT INFECTS WASHINGTON, D.C. To read Prologue and Character Guide, please see www.washingtonhorrorblog.com, updated 6/6//2017. Follow Washington Water Woman on Twitter @HorrorDC ....

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Make Americagate Again!

"What the Hell?!"

"I know," replied triple agent Charles Wu, who had just entered the limo of the very unhappy Chinese ambassador's car to drive around for awhile and chat.  "The State Department is simply not a major player right now."

"Trump confused us with Taiwan!" the ambassador griped.

"It was just his ignorance of the terminology, but he absolutely does not have China confused with Taiwan."

"Not when he is selling weapons!" said the ambassador, sarcastically.  "Then he sells them to Taiwan!  He is also very clear about blame for North Korea--then he says it is Beijing's fault somehow, even though it is not!  Does he think we want nuclear weapons launching from North Korea?"

"Trump doesn't think much, period."  (Wu was speaking with the ambassador in English because the Chinese ambassador did not like Wu's Hong Kong accent in Mandarin.)  "Wu is a very crude man, and whatever education he had in his youth, he has squandered it on a lifetime without intellectual stimulation.  He looks at a couple of things, then goes into a meeting and spouts off.  He has spent decades with sycophants and has no idea he is actually a complete ignoramus and national embarrassment."

"Is this what we are paying you for?" asked the ambassador testily, though he gestured for Wu to help himself to the mini-bar.

"Your Excellency, I have already passed a great deal of Russian intelligence to our interlocutor."

"Russian?  Where is the American intelligence?"

"There simply isn't American intelligence, right now, sir.   I mean that in both senses of the word."  (The ambassador looked puzzled.)  "The State Department policy desks are all grossly understaffed right now, the Secretary of State has zero control of the agenda and is constantly talking out of both sides of his mouth to try to clean up Trump's messes without being fired, the FBI is running a counter-intelligence investigation that encompasses its own Attorney General, the CIA is feeding intelligence to European allies as an end-run around Trump, the Pentagon and National Security Agency are furious that Congress and the White House had nothing to say after Russian hacks into nuclear power plants--your Excellency, American intelligence is paralyzed, American democracy is paralyzed.  The Republicans are so drunk on power they are poised to let spy compounds on U.S. soil be returned to the Russians.  The U.S. has been weakened considerably.  I can't tell you what the U.S. is going to do because the power structure is completely unstable."

The Chinese ambassador turned to stare intently at Wu.  "China cannot be hemmed in by a Russian-American alliance."

"I agree, absolutely," said Wu.

"China cannot be pulled into regional war if Pakistan is drawn into worsening Middle East conflict by Saudi Arabian aggression over Qatar and Iran!  U.S. is not holding back Saudi Arabia!"

"I agree," said Wu.

"Our hackers have found everything necessary to remove Trump from office, but still the imbecile is there!"

"He cannot be removed outside the normal processes, which are slow in a democracy such as this."

"Democracy!" scoffed the ambassador, shaking his head.  "The Republicans reek of corruption now, trying to pass this legislation of tax cuts and health care cuts opposed by over 80% of Americans!  They cause widespread unrest but allow the people to arm themselves, inviting a rebellion.  It is foolish!"

"I agree," said Wu.

"This will not be Russia's century!" the ambassador said defiantly. "If U.S. falls, this will be Chinese century!"

Wu nodded silently.

Ten minutes later, dropped off back in Cleveland Park, Charles Wu was walking the long way home.  Beijing was cracking down on human rights, and his mother was furious about what was happening to democracy activists in Hong Kong.  The Trump Administration would never say a word about any of that, and Beijing might actually become more authoritarian at home while simultaneously more aggressive overseas.  China, to his chagrin, had not followed his recommendation to go public with what they had hacked about the Trump family finances, and Wu was feeling less and less inclined to strengthen their hand globally.  The British were still gratefully paying for Wu's Chinese intelligence, but they were faltering as badly as Trump was on the international stage.  And there was very little Chinese intelligence he was willing to trade to the dangerous Trump Administration.  He caught the sound of his daughter's giggles while still at the corner of the block and stopped in his tracks.  He used to lecture Angela de la Paz about her naivety, but was he the one now in it over his head?  The juggling act used to feel like lightweight balls, but now they felt like bombs with lit fuses.  The other day Liv Cigemeier asked him for another grant to International Development Machine to fill vacuums being left around the world by a withdrawing U.S. aid presence, and Wu found himself shocked to be reminded that there were people in the world who had no idea where he really got his money and why he did the things he did with it.  He was a spy, damn it!  He had already changed the world, hadn't he?  Could he, still?  The problem was, if he got hold of the best secret in the world today, was there anybody he really wanted to sell it to?

Downtown, Justice Department attorney Atticus Hawk had done a lot of questionable things over the course of his career, but selling state secrets was not one of them:  those he was patriotically giving away for free.  Most of the time he was leaking to the FBI about General Sessions--which he felt perfectly justified in doing since Sessions had ignored a court order to hand over information to Congressional investigators--but this week he had gone outside of his comfort zone to leak to the press that Sessions had secretly met with the people behind the transgender bathroom bills.  Every decent law-abiding American man knew you stared straight ahead while doing your business at the urinal, and only complete perverts would want to pass legislation about who was whipping out which private parts where!  That's the bro code!  Just because some repressed Republican had gotten pissed off by discovering his prostitute was transgender was no reason to invite the government into public restrooms!  And if Sessions was hiding the meeting, it was clearly because he was a pervert, too!

"Penny for your thoughts?" asked Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, causing Hawk to jump out of his seat.  "Didn't mean to startle you, son!  I wanted to get a head start on tomorrow's business.  Did you finish that memo on how to re-word the voting commission letter to the states?"

"I did, sir, General, sir, but I think it will only satisfy a couple of the states' concerns.  It's hard to argue with them about centralizing the voter data federally when every state holds the legal authority to run elections.  After all, if Obama had asked for Alabama voter data in 2012--"

"Don't be a smart-ass!" retorted the Attorney General.  "Trump wants to send that letter out again!  It's outrageous they won't answer it!"

"General Sessions, I'm not sure this is the right time to attempt another voter fraud commission letter.  After all, Junior just admitted meeting with Russians at Trump Tower to discuss--"

"I don't know anything about that!" interjected Sessions, angrily.  "I'm recused!  I don't read anything about the Russia investigation!"

"Which, perhaps, is why somebody not involved in the Trump campaign should be making decisions about our voting processes."

"I'm the Attorney-General!"

"Yes, sir."

"I'm in charge of the voting processes!"

"Actually, sir--"

"How can I be recused from our voting processes?"

"Russians might be involved in the voting processes, General."

"WHAT?!  That is fake news, and I'm shocked to hear it in the Justice Department!"

"That's what the Special Counsel is investigating, General."

"I don't know what he's investigating!  I'm recused!  And there's never been sustained, systemic collusion!"

Hawk's jaw dropped at the sound of Kellyanne Conway's propaganda piece's erupting from the General's mouth.  So now it's fake news unless it was sustained, systemic collusion?

Over at the White House, Kellyanne Conway was busy handing out more MAGA hats in preparation for "Made in America Week".

"I'm not wearing this," said Omarosa Manigault, handing hers back.  "Where are the ones that were made in America?  This says Made in China."

"Don't be a smart-ass!" Conway snarled.

"And I hope you're not planning to wear the Ivanka Trump brand all week!" Manigault exclaimed, pointing at Conway's sundress.  "They're made in Indonesia and--"

"Shut up!" Conway barked.  "Who do you think you are?"

"He promised to bring manufacturing back to the--"

"Don't tell me what he promised, missy!  I was working on the campaign while you were still begging for another reality television gig!"

"So does that mean you're entitled to have the campaign committee pay your legal bills, or is that only for Junior and Jared?"

"Maybe you can take that smart mouth of yours over to Capitol Hill and get the Congressional Black Caucus on the bus over here for a meeting!  That's the only thing you were hired to do, and it hasn't happened!"

"Maybe you need to send a bigger bus," replied Manigault (who had already resumed looking for another reality television gig, possibly something about ghosts in the White House).

Up on the White House roof, the hot snipers wiped the sweat from their brows and continued pacing nervously, listening more to the screaming voices coming from inside the building than to anything happening outside of it.

Washington Water Woman is heading out of town for a bit, 
and expects to return to blogging in a couple of weeks....

Saturday, July 08, 2017

Up in the Air

Brittani was back at trapeze school in Southwest, and Glenn Michael Beckmann didn't know what to do with her.  A 15-year-old with an annulled Virginia under-age marriage, still too young to work, uninterested in getting her GED, constantly talking in her sleep about some demon she thinks lives in the basement of Southwest Plaza, and now obsessed with becoming a circus performer!  It could be a year before her scrawny arms and abdomen built up enough muscle to get good at this, and Beckmann was pondering hitting up her father for some money to cover these trapeze school fees.  After all, Brittani's father had a good-paying job working security for Steve Bannon at the White House, while Beckmann's Bad Asses security firm was not exactly making Beckmann rich.  And he needed to pay for a lot of drugs to work out the ever more confusing conspiracies oppressing the United States people!

As his blog (written in code as "Beckmann's Floral Cushions") made clear, Beckmann had no doubt that Donald Trump had been installed by aliens as a puppet king to weaken and confuse the will of human beings so that they would succumb easily to a full-scale invasion by alien overlords.  But the Resistance did not understand this!  The Resistance was still talking about: civil rights; the free press; White House corruption; Trump's kissing Putin's ass in a closed-door meeting; the G20 leaders creating responsible economic partnerships while the U.S. got sidelined by sending Ivanka's boobs, stilettos, & plastic surgery in to negotiate; Melania Trump's talking to Putin at dinner about cyber-bullying (how he got bullied about Election hack) and their new plan for U.S.-Russia cyber cooperation....But far too people were rallying to Beckmann's argument that the people of Earth needed to prepare for the alien invasion.  Trump was just a distraction!

Over at the White House, Brittani's father, Randy "Bubba" Blaylock, was not fully under the spell of Steve Bannon (who had sold his soul to Satan) because Bubba had been wearing a cursed Rolex since he and Beckmann had rescued Brittani from her deranged husband (the previous Rolex owner).  Trump rarely left the country, and Bannon was spying on Vice-President Pence, who was taking advantage of the POTUS absence to run helicopter drills for the 25th Amendment ouster of Trump.  As Bannon grew more and more incensed at the sound of Pence's Indiana National Guard alumni crews choppering in circles around the White House (shooting blanks at the snipers on the roof), Bubba was starting to worry that his time in the White House might end prematurely--before he could usurp that damned fashionista Gunther Zimmer as Melania's lover.  That was the reason Bubba was rummaging through the bedroom that served as Melania's closet (she needed a 20' x 20' closet) trying to find incriminating evidence against Zimmer. It was then that he found Zimmer's sewing basket and realized it had no normal thread:  only the clear nylon parachute thread used by Navy Seals.  "Who the Hell is this guy?!" he exclaimed out loud, not thinking to check the sewing basket for CIA bugs.  (The CIA does not spy on U.S. citizens, but considers Melania Trump an illegal alien.)

Meanwhile, a Congressional caucus was running a covert helicopter operation of its own:  that is, to say, certain rogue members of the anti-Zombie caucus had used Zombie-fighting activity as a cover to commission a helicopter for a non-Zombie purpose.  So, while Paul Ryan was busy telling sleeveless reporters to put on more clothing in the July heat and humidity, and Mitch McConnell was again postponing the Obamacare repeal vote so that Republicans could first purchase stock in the health care companies that were going to benefit from the bill, Congressman Herrmark's Chief of Staff, Ann Bishis, had ordered the helicopter to transport into the country the Syrian Kurdish refugee twin brides of Herrmark's twin bodyguards, Nick and Costas, from an offshore vessel.  Ann Bishis had never flouted a law in the manner she was flouting the Trump travel ban, but Greek blood (hers and that of her cousins, Nick and Costas) was thicker than water...or anything else.  And so it was that Syrian illegal aliens entered the country in a helicopter that was supposed to be fighting Congressional zombies.

Out on the river, Barbara Hellmeister (out of her job as mistress and Special Science Adviser to Donald Trump since the arrival of Melania and dismantling of the White House science office) sat in the bridgeman's quarters not far above Ardua of the Potomac, stroked her Trump/Hitler DNA-infused womb, and pondered her next move.

COMING UP:    Triple agent Charles Wu walks 
delicate line as Beijing cracks down on Hong Kong
and begins revenge for U.S. arms sales to Taiwan.

Saturday, July 01, 2017

The diary of FBI agent Dulles Samuelson

It's nice to see Angela napping in the sunshine, soaking in some sunshine and salt air.  She's had so many bad dreams lately, though I liked the one she had last night where Obama declared a 2020 Presidential run and Trump went completely out of his freaking mind!  

So glad I passed the six-month probation mark at FBI!  What an insane time to become an agent.  When I started, I had the typical rookie assignments, but things have changed a lot since Comey got fired.  Most people were labeled friends-of-Comey or not, and the newer people like me are the only ones viewed as neutral.  I'm not neutral at all, but I keep my mouth shut most of the time.  People start talking about the partial travel ban now in effect?  I'm a sphinx.  People talk about Trump's lawyer withdrawing the threat to go after Comey for leaks?  "Really?" I say, like I hadn't heard anything about it at all!  People talk about the legality of Trump's having a re-election campaign fundraiser in his hotel building he's leasing from the federal government, I just say, "that's for the lawyers to figure out."  People talk about Trump's flirting with the Irish reporter or denigrating the MSNBC reporter?  I just raise my eyebrows in a way that can be interpreted any way they want to.  Comments on Eric Holder's Tweet encouraging FBI and DOJ to stay strong for duty, honor, country?  I tell them I'm not on Twitter!

But the "WSJ" Trump-Russia collusion article that came out?  That was different.  Things went berserk at the Bureau!  That was no "Clinton News Network" #fakenews story--it was the freaking "Wall Street Journal"!!  Everywhere you went, somebody had taped a copy to a men's room mirror or pinned it to a kitchenette bulletin board.  It might disappear for awhile, then reappear again.  I finally caught one guy in the act by accident:  Atticus Hawk from the A.G.'s office!  He started sweating, then saw my name badge and relaxed.  "Your dad was a CIA agent, right?"  I asked him how he knew that, and he said his was, too.  

Then he asked me to pass some information to Mueller about Jared Kushner!  Finally!  I'm in the loop!  Of course it was in a sealed envelope, so I didn't really learn anything.  The Russian bank stuff?  Blackmailing Joe Scarborough?  I guess I'll find out later.  

I tried to ask him about why the GOP budget will zero out funding to the Election Assistance Commission while this new Pence-Kobach voting commission is asking for detailed voter roll information from every single state in the country, but his brow beaded up again and he said he had to rush off to a meeting with "General Sessions".  "General Sessions?" LOL!!!  I would have loved to tell him we call the Deputy A.G. "Dagwood", but I'll save that for next time.

The truth is that some FBI employees are lawyers and some are not, and when I do hear conversations about this stuff, it can be pretty confusing.  If DOJ goes nuts, what does "law enforcement" even mean anymore?  Arizona's ex-sheriff Arpaio is now on trial for ignoring a federal court order, but Trump has been lambasting court orders for months and his supporters think Arpaio should have been appointed head of the FBI!  If Trump actually ignores a court order, what happens?

On the drive from DC to the beach, I asked Angela if what the FBI is doing even matters in the bigger scheme of things:  demons, ghosts, all this crazy stuff out there.  She said those worlds aren't supposed to overlap, and I still need to do what's right in the one I live in.  I guess that's what she is:  a sheriff trying to enforce the rules against overlapping.  I know she's been going into the Dreamtime a lot, so I asked her if she's discovered that it's not just Trump and Bannon who sold their souls to Satan.  She looked really sad and just nodded.

Meanwhile, back in DC, TFFT (too fat for television) reporter Holly Gonightly was filming a segment on "Circus Life" at the Smithsonian Folk Life Festival on the National Mall when temporal lobe epileptic John Doe suddenly pointed at the swinging trapezes and began screaming, "The arc of history is bending!  The arc of history is bending!"  Then he fell into a silent trance, listening to the ghost of Henry Samuelson.

COMING UP:    Donald Trump meets with Vladimir Putin
to talk about the Trump-Russia collusion nothingburger,
 #fakenews, garbagenews, witchhunt!  
(....And Slavic babes.)

Sunday, June 25, 2017

The Cult of Trump

It had been a very busy weekend for the Seekers' Trump Cult deprogramming efforts, with a large number of concerned friends and relatives' taking advantage of the Steve Mnuchin wedding to kidnap out-of-town Trumpists who had come to Washington for the wedding festivities.  Still, after a dozen attempts, they had only succeeded in deprogramming one investment banker and one event planner (who had been dreaming of getting appointed to her own HUD office).  The weary Seekers were eating supper and drinking beer in the kitchen of their rented Georgetown office space when mercenary Solomon Kane entered, hauling in a long-sought-after target.

"I got a tip from one of his Facebook friends and nabbed him in a Food Lion parking lot," said Kane, who had brought the White House Press Secretary into the building in a large rolling suitcase.  "He should start waking up soon."

"Who is it?" asked the Jesuit professor eyeing Kane's unzipping the suitcase. 

"Sean Spicer," he replied, pulling him out to carry to a Lazy-Boy recliner in the next room.  (This was now the chair-of-choice for Trumpist deprogramming.)

The Lutheran minister let out a low whistle.  "What'll he do to us if we fail?"

"It's not like he'll report what we do," said the Jewish rabbi.  "He's incapable of speaking the truth!"

"He's just misguided, like all the rest," said the Buddhist monk.

"Misguided my ass!" said the Lutheran minister.  "Twenty-one state electoral systems are now confirmed for Russian hacking during the election, and the propaganda state is back to 'crooked Hillary' distraction tactics yet again!"

"Maybe she and the rabbi are right," said the Pentecostal preacher.  "Not everybody is a lost lamb.  We have to consider the possibility that Mr. Spicer is one of the master agents in our long national nightmare."

"On the one hand, Trump seems a little displeased with Spicer's performance," said the Muslim imam, "and he does seem to avoid saying the worst possible lies by telling us he 'hasn't spoken to the President' about such-and-such.  On the other hand--"

"Where is Reince Prebus in all this?" interjected the Jesuit.  "He is somehow in all the photo-ops, but his day-to-day activities remain shrouded in mystery.  He is the one that brought in Spicer.  Does he give Spicer the marching orders?"

"Ugh," shuddered the Lutheran minister.  "I can't even hear terms like 'marching orders' anymore.  Everything sounds more and more like Nazi Germany.  More white supremacist attacks this week that Trump completely ignored!"

"And the Muslim girl's memorial burned in Dupont Circle," sighed the imam.

"Bob Mueller expanded his team, visited Capitol Hill to explain his investigation, and he's now getting branded a Democrat operative--despite being a registered Republican!" said the Buddhist monk.

"But Trump is out there doing fundraisers and campaign rallies for a second term!" cried the Hindu priest.  "It's more like a third world tin pot dictatorship!  He admits lying about Oval Office tapes to intimidate a witness, and the GOP ignores it and unveils another Obamacare repeal bill with billions of dollars in tax cuts for their donors and no health care at all for the most vulnerable in our society!"

"Those unfortunate people dragged out of wheelchairs to get arrested, all because they wanted to speak to Senator McConnell," said the Lutheran minister, shaking her head.  "Nazis!"

"You're tearing this country apart!" screamed the Pentecostal minister at the still comatose Sean Spicer.  "You are denying the Holy Spirit!"

"How much tranquilizer did you give him?" asked the Jewish rabbi.

"None," said Solomon Kane.  "He fainted when he saw the needle.  "I think he just doesn't want to wake up."

"You people need to wake up!" shouted the ghost of Henry Samuelson to open the meeting of the Ghost CIA across the river in McLean.  "The living CIA is not going to remove Trump!"

"Why should they?" asked a recently deceased analyst.  "They get to waterboard again, run black ops in Afghanistan again, get another crack at Iran with an actual coup d'├ętat plot!  They're having the time of their lives!"

"They've sold their souls like everybody is doing," groused an old Soviet hand.  "Turn a blind eye to Russia and get anything else you want!"

"I disagree with Henry," said a former counter-intelligence expert.  "The CIA is doing everything they can to get the collusion info out there.  It's not their fault the GOP is drunk on one-party rule!"

"Democracy is dead!" cried Ghost Henry.  "We need to take matters into our own hands!"

"What can we do?" wailed a former double agent from Romania.  "We only have a few good poltergeists as it is, and they're all deployed to North Korea right now trying to mess up those rocket launches!"

"And the White House ghosts are just making Trumpworld crazier than it already was!"

"We're out of our league, Henry," sighed the old Russia hand.  "The KGB has gotten the last laugh on us after all."

"This is not over 'til the fat lady sings!" declared Ghost Henry.  "And since the politically correct people say nobody can be called 'fat' anymore, nobody's singing!"

Out in the river, Ardua of the Potomac would have snickered at the impotence of the Ghost CIA, as well as the living CIA, but she was unnerved by the sight of Lynnette Wong and Angela de la Paz staring intently down on the demon from Key Bridge and whispering about their next move.

The diary of FBI agent Dulles Samuelson!

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Sitting Duck

"This is all too much!"

"We can handle it!"

"We can't handle it!"

"Our very future as a law firm is at stake!"

"Oh, stop being so melodramatic!"

"Melodramatic?  I had a nightmare last night I had to spend Father's Day weekend with the Trump's at Camp David!  Group showers!  Group bunking!  Mandatory scheduling!  Then I had to go out to the swimming pool to watch Melania and Donald do a weird skit while Barron sulked and Marine cadets politely fake-laughed!"

The deliberation of the DOJ Practice Group in Prince and Prowling's largest conference room was interrupted by the entrance of a confused and lost summer associate who opened the door and looked around befuddled.

"Get out of here!" snarled former Senator Evermore Breadman, and the young woman beat a hasty retreat.  "While it's true that our special role as DOJ's outside counsel for dealing with Trump litigation saw an explosion of action this past week, we have enough personnel to deal with it.  Our billings should be making every partner here overjoyed, frankly, and a little hard work never hurt anybody!"

"Evermore," said a recent hire for Constitutional and criminal defense, "my daughter is in law school right now, and she said DOJ's June 9th filing in the CREW litigation was basically arguing that the Emoluments Clause is made of Swiss cheese and cannot be interpreted literally or every Founding Father POTUS would have been guilty of violating it.  And I didn't have a good response to that!  And with another Originalist on the Supreme Court, how will that argument even fly?"

"A good response is to tell the whippersnapper to pass a bar exam and get a real job before she lectures her father on Constitutional law!" retorted Breadman.  "And it will never make it to the Supreme Court!"

"DOJ's Emoluments filing didn't deter the Attorneys General of Maryland and the District of Columbia from suing under the Emoluments Clause on Monday," the man replied, "and then Congressional Democrats filed an Emoluments suit on Wednesday!  We are talking about groundbreaking Constitutional litigation that could end up in front of the Supreme Court!"

"Well if it does, which it won't, you should be excited about that, anyway!" rejoined Breadman.

"We could lose!"

"Lose?!" cried Breadman.  "The correct Constitutional remedy is impeachment, and that's what the courts will say."

"The courts are under attack by Trump," said a senior partner.  "Appeals judges are more motivated than ever to assert their own independence!  You think they didn't see the 'Dear Leader' Cabinet meeting?  The testimony from our Attorney General that he has never paid the slightest attention to Russians during or after the campaign?  Newt 'let's impeach Clinton' Gingrich arguing that a POTUS cannot be prosecuted for obstruction of justice?  Trump's floating the idea of firing Special Counsel Mueller and/or Deputy A.G. Rosenstein?"

"Don't you get it?" asked Breadman.  "The shooting of Scalise changed everything!  Republicans are now the victims!"

"Trump's personal attorney hired his own attorney to represent him on Russian investigation matters!" exclaimed another partner.  "What the hell does that mean?!  Then the D.C. and New York bars received ethics complaints on him.  I barely survived two ethics investigations already!  I can't get hauled in there for a third!"

"We are providing counsel to the Justice Department!" cried Breadman.  "Nobody can file an ethics complaint about that!"

"They can if they have evidence we are deliberately mounting false evidence--"

"How dare you suggest that!" exclaimed Breadman, turning red in the face.  "It's DOJ that's mounting the false evidence!  I mean evidence.  I mean we're only writing legal memos to DOJ!  Nothing about evidence!  We don't consider evidence.  There's no evidence!"  He picked up the glass of Coke he had spiked earlier and took several big gulps.

"There will be if the tax returns come out," another senior partner said quietly.  "Is it really conceivable none of them will be leaked when we have seen leaks from White House, DOJ, CIA, FBI, NSA, Senate GOP, State Department, Pentagon--"

"Not everybody is willing to go to jail to take down Trump," said another.

"There will be no more talk of taking down Trump!" exclaimed Breadman.

"Isn't that what we're defending?"

"No!" insisted Breadman.  "We are providing outside counsel to the Justice Department, end of story!"

"But Breadman," said a junior partner, "you taught me that this law firm can make money no matter who is in office.  Do you really think we will get Democratic clients after assisting Trump's DOJ?"

"Our names aren't on the briefs!" said Breadman.  "I know what I'm doing!"

Across the street, Washington Post "Metro" reporter Perry Winkle was sitting on a Lafayette Square park bench talking quietly to a White House insider.  "I can't get the political desk to publish any of these stories," Winkle said.  "They just don't believe that people in the White House are seeing or hearing ghosts."

"But it's true!" protested the source.  "Melania is furious that Barron has already starting talking to the twin preschoolers, but who else is he going to play with here?"

"Um, it might be true," said Winkle, who knew that if he proposed the story to his own editor, Winkle would be sent back to the sabbatical that had landed him on anti-hallucination medication in the first place.  "But they already think most of the people in the White House are crazy or scared."

"I brought you photos of Impeach Trump stickers showing up on bathroom mirrors, filing cabinets, printers--"

"Do you have any photos of them obviously taken inside the White House?"

"No, but I have a couple photos of a drunk Steve Bannon passed out in the golf room."

"Golf room?"

"Yeah, Trump took the books out of the library and put in a putting green."

"Hm.  I might be able to use those."  Winkle pulled out his cellphone cable to transfer files.

 "Trump went to Camp David this weekend because the Scalise shooting scared the bejesus out of him.  He's a sitting duck on a golf course."

Winkle reflected on that a moment.  "That's the first rational decision he's made in a long time, but it won't have any staying power," he finally said.

Inside the West Wing, Ghost Dennis floated out of the National Security Council after briefing the White House's premier leaker on Eric Trump's latest business trip report to his father.

COMING UP:     The Cult of Trump

Sunday, June 11, 2017

In bed with rattlesnakes!

"What the Hell are we going to do now?!" asked Texas Congressman Zeke "Slick" Hicks, leader of the Russia Caucus.

"What are you looking at me for?" groused Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House.  (He had skipped the Zombie Caucus meeting to attend this one.)

"I'm getting pressure from Exxon and, ahem, ahem, you know who, to get things under control in this town!"

"Everything's fine," said Ryan, who had cornered a reporter in a men's room earlier in the day and eaten his brains.

"Fine?!" exclaimed a Senator from Alaska.  "Reality Winner leaked a new NSA document showing that Russia made a hacking attempt on voting machines last fall!  Then James Comey talked up the FBI's Russia investigation on live television and said Trump fired him over it!"

"Robert Mueller is hiring prosecutors with experience going up against Watergate, Enron, and the mafia!" cried a Representative from Pennsylvania.  "The mafia!"

"A Congressional intern added "Donald Trump to Wikipedia's "obstruction of justice" page!" moaned disgraced Congressman Devin Nunes.  "And it was my intern!"

"But we voted to kill Dodd-Frank this week!" replied Ryan.  "Isn't that great?!"

"The Russians don't care about that!" retorted Slick.  "They want their sanctions removed!"  (Ryan shrugged and scratched at the rotting flesh under his polo shirt.)  "And Exxon wants--"

"Yeah, yeah," said Ryan, "but we're kicking ass!"

"Mr. Speaker," said Slick, "with all due respect, how much do you know about the Russians?"

"That's what I'm here for!" smiled Ryan, whose already reptilian brain had been reduced to mainly brain stem as a zombie.

"Trump will have Secret Service protection the rest of his life, said Slick, "and his boys are raking in the quid pro quo money from Romania, the Philippines, Saudi Arabia--"

"The Saudis spent $270,000 at Trump International Hotel, and now they get to run our Middle East policy!" exclaimed a Representative from North Dakota.  "Quid pro quo!  I've got local boys at our military base in Qatar, and Trump's clapping for the crazy Arabs blockading that country now!"

"Yeah, yeah," said Slick, impatient with the interruption, "but the point is that Trump has protection and he's getting richer every day."

"But we're making good money, too, right?" asked Ryan.  (He had already spent his $3,000 Exxon gift card, seen a new Chrysler delivered to his wife, and purchased a tenth of Janesville through a secret trust financed by VEB.)

Slick looked intently at the Speaker of the House.  "The Russians are not getting richer at all.  And we do not have Secret Service protection the rest of our lives!  The Russians didn't do all that for Trump because they enjoy getting ostracized at the United Nations and criticized on Capitol Hill!  Our member from Tennessee already quit the caucus because somebody brought vodka jelly shots to his Memorial Day barbecue and she thought it was a death threat from Vladimir Putin!  And I'm not sure it wasn't!"

As a zombie with Ayn Rand wet dreams, Paul Ryan could not be moved by a fear of Russian assassination.  "The Senate is getting close to a reconciliation bill on repealing Obamacare!" he protested.  "And Eric Trump said Democrats are not even people!  They're no longer even pretending that Donald Trump wants to be President of all Americans!  I'm having the time of my life!"

Slick sighed, knowing tonight he would have his recurrent nightmare about waking up with rattlesnakes in his bed and Sergey Kislyak pointing a gun at him so that he couldn't get out.

Meanwhile, across town, Attorney General Jeff Sessions was getting back in his car after his evening "constitutional" at dusk in Meridian Hill Park--where his interlocutor had passed along Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak's instructions for what to say behind closed doors with the Senate Intelligence Committee this week...or else.

COMING UP:     DOJ argues that
Emoluments Clause is made of cheese!

Sunday, June 04, 2017

Ivanka joins a self-help group!

 Ivanka Trunk walked cautiously into the DC Chapter meeting of Sense of Entitlement Anonymous, but felt relieved immediately upon seeing two members of the U.S. Supreme Court.  "Justice Gorsuch!  What a pleasure it is to see you again."

 "Again?  What?" cried Gorsuch, looking around the room nervously.  "What official reason would we have ever had to meet before?"

 "It's a pleasure to see you," said Chief Justice John Roberts, ignoring his junior colleague and striding past him to extend a hand to Ivanka.  "Just remember we can't discuss Court matters," he added, more quietly.

 "Except with me!" interjected realtor Calico Johnson, bounding across the room.  (He  had used a mutual real estate connection to invite Ivanka to the meeting he was hosting at his Potomac Manors estate this evening.)  "You can talk with me about anything, anytime, 24/7!" he said, taking her offered hand and kissing it in his best imitation of a Sir Lancelot moment.  "I'm a great listener," he added, with a wink.

 Over in the corner, two members from N.U.T.T.Y. (Nannies United to Take Y-chromosomes) both said "slut!" in unison, but nobody heard them except Federal Reserve Board economist Luciano Talaverdi.

 "That's a bit rough, girls!" he said, tut-tutting and waving his finger at them.  "She seems very loyal to Jared."

 "A little too loyal, if you know what I mean," said one.

 "I heard that Jared is having a torrid affair with their nanny, and Ivanka is having a revenge affair with Stephen Miller," said the other.

 "The only torrid affair Jared is having is with his asset manager," scoffed Talaverdi, whose Roman mother was still denouncing Trump's audience with the Pope.  "The only question being whether that Russian is kosher!"  Talaverdi laughed at his own joke, but the nannies sipped their cocktails quietly, staring at him blankly.  Marriage has killed my sex appeal, he thought.

 "Let's get started!" barked Dick Cheney, who had gained fifteen pounds stress-eating since the Inauguration and relished the opportunity to get away from his wife's strict cooking and grab a plate full of chips and brownies.  He sat in the chair furthest away from where Ivanka was standing because he couldn't even look at her without picturing Donald Trump discussing whether she was a hot piece of ass.

 "Why don't you start, honey?" suggested Calico Johnson, easing Ivanka into a chair with a glass of wine.

 "I just don't understand why so many people hate me!" she said, playing with her own hair (which she had spent thirty minutes preparing) and crossing her legs to display her violet suede stilettos (which were from her own fashion collection).  "I work hard for our country.  I'm successful at business.  I wrote an uplifting book.  I live in a hip neighborhood where the Obama's live.  I'm a dutiful wife and mother.  I'm respectful to my parents as the Talmud commands--."

 "Talmud?!" exclaimed Bridezilla (a Prince and Prowling junior partner now regretting her decision to wear an Ivanka Trump dress she had purchased on deep discount at Nordstrom's).

 "It's the--"

 "It's the Fifth Commandment which tells us to honor our parents," said Bridezilla.

 "Well, yes," replied Ivanka.  "I was simply putting it in the context of the rich Jewish tradition which informs my family values."

 "What does your rich Jewish tradition say about honoring a father who's--" began Judge Sowell Ame, but he was quickly cut off by Dick Cheney.

 "Look, Ivanka, this is a meeting where people cut the crap.  We all know you're not really Jewish and just converted to please your husband because you have terrible daddy issues and constantly crave the approval of alpha males."

 "That's true!" exclaimed Ivanka, now perceiving who the alpha male of the group was tonight.

 "Now, Dick," said the Chief Justice, "this is her first time here."

 "She needs to open up at her own pace," said Calico Johnson, who had seized the opportunity to stand behind Ivanka and place his soothing hands on her neck.

 "I'm a creative, sensitive soul!" cried Ivanka, relaxing into Johnson's fingertips.  "When you follow your passion, the money just comes naturally!  How can we help it if Russian bankers find our projects attractive investments?!"

 "Personally," said Bridezilla, "I think you need better legal advice.  I could help--"

 "Oh, hogwash!" exclaimed John Boehner, former Speaker of the House.  "She needs better political advice!  Get out of Washington!  Nobody cared about your Russian bankers when you were in New York!"

 "But Daddy fired a U.S. Attorney in NYC for investigating that, didn't he?" interjected Judge Ame.
 "Shouldn't we get out of here?" whispered Justice Gorsuch to Chief Justice Roberts, who ignored him and crammed more onion dip into his face.

 "Daddy just wants to make America great again!" exclaimed Ivanka.

 "Of course he does," whispered Calico Johnson into her ear with a split-second flick of his tongue.

 "Can we talk about somebody else's problems now?" whined one of the nannies.  "Mrs. Richardson was supposed to take a business trip to Japan, leaving me alone with Allen for a week, and suddenly she canceled the trip!  And now Allen is working overtime at the State Department because every country in the world is yelling at Rex Tillerson!  How is that fair to me?"

 "It's definitely not fair," said Luciano Talaverdi, but the sarcasm went undetected because of his Italian accent.

 "I'll tell you what's not fair," said John Boehner.  "Young whipper-snapper Republicans telling me that I should have had an Obamacare replacement plan ready since I held a hundred votes to repeal it!  Hey, do your own job!  My job was handing you a reelection when you claimed you voted against Obamacare a hundred times!"

 "You're an absolute legend," said Bridezilla.  "I think my new boyfriend is a secret spy.  I was wondering if that's become very common in Washington now?"

 "They just pretend they're spies so you don't realize they're sneakin' around to cheat on you," sighed one of the nannies.

 "No, he does it right in front of me," said Bridezilla.

 "That doesn't make any sense," said Judge Ame.  "You know what I'm sick of?  All these protesters tying up my docket with their incompetent public defenders!  None of 'em will plead guilty to rioting on Inauguration Day!  They all say they were 'swept up' unfairly by the police!  You know how long it takes to adjudicate when they're asserting Constitutional defenses?  I ain't gonna let an appeals judge mock my Constitutional reasoning!  Gotta think hard on these opinions all the time now.  It's exhausting!"

 "This is an exhausting time for me, as well," said a former member of the FISA court.  "We were never supposed to have this much scrutiny on Capitol Hill!  I keep getting called about past decisions to eavesdrop on Russians!  And all those idiots who voted for the Patriot Act are suddenly worried about unmasking?  Were they all sleeping through that Patriot Act vote?"

 "I'm having nightmares about Comey's upcoming testimony!" exclaimed Ivanka, looking to alpha male Dick Cheney for approval.  "People keep saying...oh, I can't even bear to say it out loud!"

 "That Jared and Daddy are going to prison?" replied Cheney.  "Daddy can pardon Jared, and Pence can pardon Daddy.  The fossil fuel industry has your back!" he added.  (He had actually made love to his wife three times the day Trump kicked the Paris climate change agreement to the curb.)

 Ivanka burst into tears at the thought of Daddy and Jared going to prison, and failed to see how the fossil fuel industry could help the situation.

 "Ivanushka!" exclaimed Calico Johnson, in an attempt at a Russian term of endearment.  He squeezed her neck hard and kissed her on the top of the head.  "You know real estate is the safest investment," he then whispered into her ear, with more tongue this time.  "I can protect you!"

 Out in the darkening river, Ardua of the Potomac slithered away from Potomac Manors.  She glided down to the 14th Street Bridge to listen to the beating heart of the Trump/Hitler baby growing in Barbara Hellmeister's womb.

COMING UP:  Once upon a time, a Republican 
visited Congress....His name was James Comey.