The diary of SCOTUS newbie Neil Gorsuch!
Wow, time flies when you're having fun! Can't believe I already got to block a DNA appeal on a death row inmate! Another one bites the dust in Arkansas! That's what I'm talking about! Not sure why some people say allowing an execution is the opposite of being pro-life: I'm just here to uphold the law.
For people who questioned whether my appointment was worth ending the Senate filibuster, PLEASE! That branch of government has always been overrated. Senator McConnell is as greedy as they come, and barely one step removed from being hillbilly trailer trash. And Paul Ryan? What a lightweight! Read Ayn Rand in college and thinks he's some kind of intellectual genius. And talk about spineless! I seriously cannot believe he's third in line for the Presidency. They should amend the Constitution to put the Chief Justice third in line. And take Secretary of State out of there, while you're at it! Rex "this is your brain on petroleum" Tillerson! "If you drill it, he will come!" Field of memes.
And did I steal Merrick Garland's appointment? Hell yes! And I would do it again in a heartbeat! If Scalia can't be here, I am definitely the next best thing: I'm brilliant, originalist, fearless, and committed to greatness. And since I'm not an overweight smoker, I imagine I'll be around a lot longer time than him. Sh, diary! You're the only one who knows, but I DO think I will have a bigger impact than Scalia!
And to people who said I talked too much my first day out there, and interrupted women on the bench, STUFF IT! The ladies can interrupt me if they want to--nobody's stopping them! And that attempt to start labeling me #ChattyCathy on Twitter? Nice try, losers! Actually, I'm hoping "Notorious RBG" gives me a nickname. (But if she doesn't, I'm going to anonymously float #OMG!NMG!, #GorsuchMuch?, or #NeilAppeal on social media.)
I invited Ruth to the opera, but she's not buying it--still in mourning for Scalia. Invited Sonia to watch "House of Cards" with me, but she's not buying it, either. Maybe I'm still too young and handsome: the ladies are following the Mike Pence rule about avoiding the opposite sex, ha ha! The guys are okay, but this hazing with the hidden tape recorder is NOT funny. Ghosts? Seriously? They denied it, but my clerks sure wouldn't have the audacity to plant recordings of creepy, whispered messages like "justice is blind and still all-seeing," "rule now with us, and rule forever," and "death to the infidels." And I still can't find the hidden tape recorder! I'm not sure why the head of security just sighed, shook his head, and muttered "that won't help" when I asked him about checking security camera footage to see who's been secretly going into my office and planting these voice recordings. In any case, it will take more than that to scare ME!
I will confess (only to you, dear diary!) that Trump does scare me a little. Not sure why he's challenging North Korea to a nuclear death match. I'm all for being tough on crime domestically, but Trump might be a little delusional if he thinks he can get Un to roll over and play dead. And Pence trying to have some kind of a Ronald Reagan moment at the N.K. border there? I have to admit, I'm kind of hoping the military never actually turned over any nuclear launch codes.
Not that Trump is a bad guy! But he might have a little dementia creeping in there. Seriously, if his kids asked a judge to declare him incompetent, I think they would have a 50-50 chance in most courts. He can't even remember he bombed Syria instead of Iraq!
It IS strange to be back in Washington after so many years. Nice to see so many white people have moved in! Weird that Clinton still got 96% of the vote in D.C. I can see why POTUS is suspicious of the federal workforce! And, boy, these people are not going to let up with the endless protests at the White House, Trump International Hotel, and the Capitol! I know we have the First Amendment, but it's getting a little excessive. And these lawsuits about the immigration policy: that's a rotten form of protest, and I sympathize with General Sessions, really. I'll overturn that judge in Hawaii the first chance I get! I already told Trump that, but I'll tell him again when we have dinner on Thursday night. I got him to invite the whole Supreme Court to dinner to give me cover! But we'll have a private minute to discuss that, maybe some other cases working their way up on appeal. More importantly, I'll meet Jared in the men's room to catch up.
Gotta go! Roberts is picking me up in ten minutes to be initiated into a society he said I'll love: S.E.A. Not sure what it stands for, but how do you say no to the C.J.? If it's more hazing, though, I don't know what I'm going to do!
COMING UP: Melania mania hits DC!