Washington Horror Blog

SEMI-FICTIONAL CHRONICLE of the EVIL THAT INFECTS WASHINGTON, D.C. To read Prologue and Character Guide, please see www.washingtonhorrorblog.com, updated 6/6//2017. Follow Washington Water Woman on Twitter @HorrorDC ....

Sunday, January 21, 2018

The diary of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions!

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COMING UP:      
After this post, Washington Water Woman will be taking a break from weekly blogging to finalize her television pilot!!!!  
She will continue to Tweet from @HorrorDC .....

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Dear Diary,

Phew!  What a relief to fly under the radar for a change!  I think the President completely forgot about the Justice Department this week!  No angry Tweets.  No angry phone calls.  No blindsides!  Let Congress take the heat for a change!

And I LOVE the government shutdown!  Just me and my most loyal patriots in the building!  I don't have to smile and say hello to a bunch of untrustworthy Deep State people who are probably spying on me for Robert Mueller!  Of course, it is a bit chilly relying on space heaters, and the rheumatism's acting up something fierce, but that's a small price to pay for a more serene work environment.

Now it will slow progress on my efforts to investigate Christopher Steele and Hillary Clinton, but between you and me, I don't have any great hopes of getting them into prison, anyway.  Steele is slippery and English, for one thing!  What are we gonna do?  Get the CIA to kidnap him and put him in a dark site in Poland?!  And this Hillary thing--now I hate the woman, don't get me wrong, and these endless pussy hat women marches are absolutely infuriating!--but the criminal justice prosecutors here keep telling me there's nothing to put her in prison for!  Well, they found a few T's that weren't crossed and I's that weren't dotted at the Clinton Foundation, but it's just chicken scratch stuff!  Charity Navigator rates it 4 out of 4 stars!  The prosecutors tell me if we prosecute anything related to the Clinton Foundation, the Trump family foundation people would end up with prison sentences a hundred times worse!  So it might as well just lie, I suppose.

What's more worrisome is how this government shutdown will slow down the progress we are making to put social undesirables in prison!  Like those reprehensible Black Lives Matter hoodlums who unfurled an anti-Trump banner at Union Station!  Yes, the perpetrators got arrested, but the FBI needs to be bringing down that ENTIRE group!  We can't have people like that terrorizing innocent train stations or voting in elections!  They need to be locked up--ALL of them!

Now on the plus side of this government shutdown, I've already managed to have several quiet meetings that would otherwise have garnered too much attention!  Met again with the law firm drafting anti-trans bathroom bills for states all over the country.  Met with the White Students United--lovely people!  And the Straight White Males in the Workplace group--they are under constant assault by the #MeToo liars and the discrimination liars!  I've got to do more for them.  

And I think I will manage three or four meetings with the Russians this week--thanks to the help of Franklin Graham and the NRA!  Nothing is more important than staying true to our conservative Christian allies in the fight against queers and Muslims!

But best of all, every day of this government shutdown leaves those reprehensible DACA aliens further in the lurch!  They just need to LEAVE already!  They can go to God damned Canada if they're too scared to go home!  As soon as they're gone, we'll kick the blacks off welfare and get them picking cotton and tomatoes again!  That's how we Make America Great Again!  I am sick to death of all these liberal journalists saying that Trump is acting like a kidnapper holding people hostage to get the Wall!  "And who will he threaten NEXT?"  Well, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen!  You're lucky those DACA kids are still ALIVE!  

On a different note, Diary, I've been thinking a lot about the Trump physical.  There are rumors that some members of the Cabinet are talking about the 25th Amendment, but I have not been invited to those talks!  What if they're talking about ME, too?  I DID say "I do not recall" a few times at those Senate hearings, but that doesn't mean I'm senile!  And I DO keep seeing a Samoyed roaming around the building that nobody else sees, but I stopped talking about that dog months ago!  I'm sure everybody's forgotten about that!  

Well, I gotta go--Stephen Miller will be here soon to help me write a memo declaring that NO civil rights violations occurred in Charlottesville last summer.  It will be like old times!  He's so smart--I'm sure the FBI Director will agree with whatever Stephen writes.  Stephen went to Duke!  He's a stable genius, that's for sure.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Persona non grata!

"Come on, hon!" said KKK member Ricky Chesterfield.  "It's freezing out here, and your contractions are twelve minutes apart!"

"Not yet!" insisted Barbara Hellmeister (current alias "Dr. Bibi Von Braun").  "The Potomac breeze is so refreshing to me!"

Ricky (a South Carolinian who had taken up with Barbara after the white supremacist rally in Charlottesville) had already had two months more of a northern winter than he had ever cared to experience.  Her insistence on spending so much time in the squalid watch tower of the 14th Street Bridge was whimsical during the hot summer sex times, and also during the autumn when she was still managing quite a lot of kinky sex acts despite her increasingly large belly, but the sex and warmth were both long gone now.

"We need to get indoors!" he insisted.

"Not yet!" retorted Barbara, glaring at this only partially Aryan simpleton who was too stupid to understand the baby was coming far too early for it to be his.  "Not until nine-minute contractions!  That will give us plenty of time to get to the lab in Arlington."  She closed her eyes to focus on the breathing, basking in the good feeling she unknowingly got from the demon lurking down in the river.  (It had been a very upsetting week for her, what with all the criticisms of Trump after he stated the simple genetic truth that Norwegians are far superior racially to immigrants from Haiti and similarly shithole countries in Africa!)

"Alright, have it your way," Ricky muttered under his breath.  He reached for the hammer he had placed under his blanket, stood up, walked behind her, and whacked her head to knock her out.  Without a sound, she slumped into his waiting arms.  He used one hand to check his cellphone, saw that their Lyft would arrive in three minutes, and exhaled deeply.  "Everything's gonna be fine, son," he murmured to the baby, who had been cloned from Donald Trump and manipulated at two weeks old to turn off all his moronic Scottish genes in favor of his superior German genes--including a heavy dose of Adolph Hitler ancestral DNA.  "Daddy's taking care of everything!"

Meanwhile, Angela de la Paz had just returned from the mission which triple agent Charles Wu had sent her on concerning British intelligence expert Christopher Steele.

"Dang, it's cold in D.C.!" she exclaimed, trotting down the Southwest pier to get to their heated houseboat, Singapore Surprise.  "I'm glad the holiday lights are still up!"

Her boyfriend, FBI agent Dulles Samuelson, pulled her close for a kiss before they took their coats off.  "I'm so glad to see you!  It's been a long week."

"Aren't they all?" Angela replied.  "When is Mueller interviewing Trump?"

"Ha!" laughed Dulles.  "I'll be the last to know.  Maybe the physician at his Walter Reed physical gave him a doctor's note to get out of it."

"Seriously, what's happening at the FBI?  That's what everybody wanted to know?  Is Trump going to fire dozens of people?"

Dulles shook his head.  "I don't know.  The crazy thing is that most people who work at the FBI are Republicans, and the Senate GOP is just leaving them to twist in the wind under these relentless outrageous attacks on the agency."

"Steele is very alarmed about it," Angela said.  "British intelligence is now sharing less and less with the Trump Administration."

"What was your mission with Steele, anyway?" asked Dulles.  "Please tell me you got a copy of the pee pee tape!"

Angela smiled as she set out plates for their Chinese carryout lunch.  "That is not a secret I can divulge with the FBI!"

Dulles shook his head, smiling.  "I really don't want you to turn into Charles Wu."

"That is not going to happen!" replied Angela.  "And actually it was a good deed--Charles was doing a favor for his British contacts."

"So what's up next?"

"Charles is reorganizing his business affairs to take advantage of the new tax regime, so I guess I'll spend a few days checking out what Ardua has been up to."

Dulles gave an involuntary shudder at the thought of the demon inhabiting the same river they did.

Over in Arlington, a rather disoriented Barbara Hellmeister suddenly awoke with an ice bag on her head, lying on the birthing air mattress in their Arlington lab.

"Oh, God!" she screamed as a monster contraction hit her.

"Push!" cried a scarcely qualified midwife Ricky had found on Craigslist.

"Who is this?!" screamed Barbara, glaring at Ricky.

"This is Mary Sue, and--"

"Get her out!" yelled Barbara.  "Get out, both of you!"

"Ma'am, that's not a good idea," Mary Sue said gently.

"I've had a baby before!  I know how to do it!"

"What?!" exclaimed Ricky, before being interrupted by Barbara's screaming at another contraction.

Back in Washington, Vice President Mike Pence was in the Oval Office meeting with the secret 25th Amendment cabal.

"I think this is the right time to strike!" insisted Pence.  "Bannon has just been fired from Breitbart and is too weak to whip up an armed insurrection in support of Trump.

"I disagree," said National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster.  "The 'shithole' comments were like crack cocaine to his base.  Any move against Trump right now could result in armed attacks on black people all over this country--not to mention FBI agents, Democrats, Jews, journalists, homosexuals, women in pink hats, Mexicans, Filipinos who look like Mexicans, Arabs, Greeks who look like Arabs, Iranians, Indians who look like Iranians, and pastry shops."

"Pastry shops?" asked Pence.

"They now think all bakers are gay," replied McMaster.

"Quite possible," murmured Pence, not noticing McMaster's contemptuous frown.  "And the Jews are fine--we did the Jerusalem thing."

"The Jews are not fine!" exclaimed McMaster.  "For crying out loud!"

"I think we can still keep him contained," said Defense Secretary Mad Dog Mattis.  "We told him about the Hawaii thing an hour later, and he didn't even care.  We never tell him anything about North Korea or Iran or the entire Middle East, actually, so as long as we have somebody monitoring Fox News, we can be prepared to mitigate anything he Tweets after watching it."

"I agree with Secretary Mattis," said Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin.

"With all due respect, Mr. Secretary," said McMaster, "you've already got the tax cuts you wanted.  Isn't it time to be a patriot?"

"The Jews will be blamed if Trump is removed!"

"Oh, for Pete's sake!" cried McMaster.

"What are the results from the Walter Reed physical?" asked Secretary of State Rex Tillerson.

"It's not like the doctor ordered him into a psychiatric hospital," said Mattis.

"What about creeping dementia?  Early Alzheimer's?  Mini strokes?  If we could just get some kind of cover for this!  Do you have any idea what it's like to field over fifty phone calls from irate black and Arab ambassadors?  I mean, we might as well just tell China to take over all the mining interests in Africa at this point, because Americans are now persona non grata on an entire continent!"

"What about all the blackmail attempts on Trump?" asked CIA Director Mike Pompeo, whose right eye was twitching as he scratched under his cursed Rolex.  "Aren't those sluts dangerous to national security?"

The National Security Adviser cleared his throat.  "With all due respect, Mr. Director, we have bigger things to worry about."

"Putin can blackmail a man with sluts in the closet!" insisted Pompeo.  "Paying them off does no good if Putin still knows!"

"What are you trying to say, Mike?" asked Mattis.

Pompeo burped loudly, excused himself, and left the room with the whispering Rolex pressed to his ear.

After the door shut, Pence smiled broadly.  "I could replace him if you let me!"

Back in Arlington, Barbara's baby was finally crowning!  She was grunting and pushing to the sound of a Wagnerian opera playing in the background.

"It's almost here, hon!" said Mary Sue.

Barbara glared at the Virginia simpleton, then turned to see her South Carolinian simpleton looking stupidly into her eyes.

"You got this, babe!" Ricky cried.

With one more push, the baby boy came out.  Mary Sue screamed at the sight of him, fainted, and toppled over.  Ricky scrambled to retrieve his blood-covered son from the end of the air mattress, then opened his mouth in shock.  The first thing he noticed were the half-dozen writhing tentacles in place of arms and legs.  Then he noticed the baby had only one eye...and fangs protruding from its mouth.

"Give me the baby!" hollered the exhausted Barbara, eager to see her Aryan masterpiece.

Ricky took a nearby towel, gingerly wrapped it around the creature's scaly skin, then handed it to Barbara--who immediately felt and saw what was wrong.

"NO!" she wailed at the top of her lungs, completely unaware of what a river demon could do to affect the expression of even the most intense Aryan genes.  "It's even worse than the last one!"

Mary Sue awoke just in time to see Barbara break her own baby's neck, then Mary Sue fainted again.

"Well, honey," murmured Ricky, carefully pulling the midwife away from Barbara, "why don't you try to get some sleep now."

"I hate you all!" screamed Barbara, resolved to never be a mother again, and return to perfecting her Nazi grandfather's experiments.  "Get out!"

"Sure, Bibi, just as soon as Mary Sue wakes up.  See, I'm getting her coat and bag, and I think my coat is over here."  He saw Barbara look away from them and roll over to her side.  He quietly searched for his duffel bag, and finally just grabbed a trash bag to stuff his clothing and personal belongings into.  He had his cellphone and car keys in his pockets as Mary Sue woke up.  He got her into her coat without a sound, tossed two bottles of Pepsi into her bag, and silently led her out of the lab into the bright sunshine and shockingly crisp fresh air.

"What...?" was all Mary Sue was able to muster.  Ricky handed her a Pepsi, then started chugging one himself.  After a few minutes, she again asked, "what...?"

"That was just a bad lab experiment, Mary Sue.  She's a brilliant scientist, but everybody makes mistakes sometimes."

"But--" began Mary Sue.

"I'm ready to head back to South Carolina, I'll tell you that, ma'am!  Yes, ma'am."  He suddenly grabbed his wallet out of his back pocket.  "Almost forgot."  He handed her some twenties, and then they went their separate ways.

Inside the lab, Barbara Hellmeister was wide awake, staring at the hideous deformity she had hurled across the floor, and the blood dripping from it onto a newspaper insert advertising a furniture sale on Martin Luther King Day.  She resolved to dissect the creature as soon as her strength returned, and put its cells under the microscope.

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COMING UP:     
The diary of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions!

Saturday, January 06, 2018

Fake Fire and Fury!

"What do you mean, we're through?!" wailed Helen Talaverdi Yellen, whose husband had waited until after the holidays to tell her he wanted a divorce.

"I just think this relationship is going nowhere," replied Luciano Talaverdi Yellen, an Italian economist who had married Helen Yellen and legally changed his name to curry favor with Janet Yellen.  "It's my fault."

"Damned straight, it's your fault!" hollered Helen.  "I gave up a beautiful house-sitting career for amazing clients like John Bon Jovi to be your housewife!"

"It's not like we have any children," Luciano said, hoping this wouldn't take too long since he had a Camelot Society meeting at the Federal Reserve Board this afternoon.

"How can you be so cold-hearted?!" sobbed Helen, hugging her pot-bellied pig tightly.

"I'll give you Petro Pig and the condo and--"

"Is there another woman?!"

"Of course not!  But I need to focus on my career right now."

"Spreading your stupid liquidity around for stupid people who all suck!" sniffed Helen.

"The country is in a very delicate position right now," said Luciano.  "Institutions like the Federal Reserve Board are vital to steer the ship of state towards--"

"Why did Trump fire Janet Yellen?!" retorted Helen.  "Because she's a woman, and he wanted an old white man in charge again!  You're all fascists!"

"Don't you ever call me that!" exclaimed Luciano.  "My grandfather Paolo is rolling over in his grave!"

"You think you can come into our country and understand how things are supposed to be, and tell me about institutions, and then just blow up your marriage?!  It's disgusting!"

"I can't talk to you when you're like this.  I need to go."

Meanwhile, the institution known as the Trump Administration was having a retreat at Camp David to discuss 2018's legislative agenda.  A couple days after Trump's "I have a bigger button" Tweet, a day after his "Sloppy Steve" Tweet, and a few hours after Trump's dawn Tweets about his superior intelligence and what a stable genius he was his whole life, he launched into a press conference about his hatred of the First Amendment and all things "Fire and Fury" (which included lying leaks or leaked lies, depending on your point of view!).  White House Chief of Staff John Kelly was now trying to get Donald Trump focused--

"Mr. President, the Speaker of the House believes that the American people--"

"Ryan doesn't need to tell me what the American people want!" interjected Trump.  "I'm their messiah!"

"I realize that some of the Vice President's friends have told you that, but I think it's important to--"

"I am Making America Great Again!"

"Amen!" shouted Betsy DeVos, who had recently created a Department of Education task force dedicated to making sure that future history books not lie about Donald Trump.

"Mr. President," began Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, "the time is ripe for Social Security reform and--"

"The border wall, Paul," interrupted Trump.  "Eighteen billion dollars--it's a bargain, really."

"It is," said Secretary of Homeland Security Kirstjen Nielsen, "but we do need to revisit the Coast Guard drug interdiction efforts and--"

"I think Steve Bannon is on drugs, right?" interjected Trump.  "He never would say mean things about me unless he's on drugs, right?  Remember that wall in his office where he had all those priorities written down, and Stephen Miller was helping him, and it was like a revolution!  I think EPA's doing the best with--what is it--the--you know--the Deep State and Hillary."

"We're not enforcing a single environmental law on the books!" crowed EPA Director Scott Pruitt.

"But Hillary--she had the illegal alien votes and that State Department thing and--when is she going to prison?"

"The Department of Justice is working on that," replied John Kelly.  "Today we need to focus on--"

"Where's Jeff?" asked Trump.  "Oh, never mind, I remember.  Did he arrest Christopher Steele?  There was no pee-pee tape!"

"Mr. President," said Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, "the British ambassador has expressed concerns about future cooperation on sensitive security intelligence if their most respected agents are going to be dragged through the mud by U.S. Senators."

"NO PEE-PEE TAPE, REX!" shouted Trump, who then picked up his Diet Coke and tried to throw it against the wall, but it fell short by two feet and landed quietly on the carpeting.

"Mr. President, the United Kingdom will react in the most negative manner possible to--"

"NO PEE-PEE TAPE!  FAKE DOSSIER!"

"Mr. President," began John Kelly, "what Rex is trying to say is that asking the FBI to investigate a British intelligence officer is counter-productive and--"

"FAKE DOSSIER!"

"Mr. President, if I may," said the Speaker of the House, "it may be less important for us to worry about what British agents are doing when we have so much work to do in controlling what American agents are doing.  This week I met with Deputy Attorney General Rosenstein and FBI Director Christopher Wray--"

"From Baltimore!" sneered Trump.

"Uh, I think he's from the Northeast, but worked in Baltimore at one--"

"Baltimore!  Sad!  Democrats!"

Paul Ryan cleared his throat a little too loudly.  "The House is exercising its oversight--"

"And the Senate!" interjected Mitch McConnell, who had suddenly jolted awake from his post-cheeseburger nap.  "And Jeff Sessions is a good man!"

"Yesssss," said the Speaker of the House, "but we are putting pressure on the Special Counsel because the Attorney General recused himself--"

"Damn it!  Why did you let him recuse himself?!" demanded Trump, glaring at John Kelly.

"I was at DHS when that happened, Mr. President."

"Why is there no television in here?" asked Trump.

"We have an intern monitoring Fox News for you, Mr. President," replied John Kelly.

"Speaking of Fox," began Communications Director Hope Hicks, "I did want to discuss possible legislation to address--"

"I never said what the book said that Bannon said that I said about you, Hope," said Trump.

"Of course not, Mr. President," replied Hope Hicks.  "Fox News highlighted a problem in--"

"I mean, it sounds like something I might have said as locker room talk, great piece of tail, or, well, Corey's affair, or not having an affair, or--"

It was then that the flushed water building up behind a pipe frozen solid since three a.m. reached enough pressure to explode loudly just outside the wall of the ground floor restroom, sending the wet bowel movements of several Cabinet members hurtling backward into that restroom, shooting out of the toilets and flooding quickly across the floor and out into the hallway where the Cabinet members had run in confusion to find the underground bunker that served as a safe space during a terrorist attack.  Old white men shoved women (Betsy and Hope) and children (Trump) aside to get to the bunker first, only to slip on sewage and fall down in their own filth.  Secret Service agents looked at each other, waiting for somebody else to pick up the shitty Cabinet members and poopy POTUS.

Back in D.C., the Attorney General was, indeed, hard at work at the Justice Department, having not been invited to Camp David because he was very, very, very busy fulfilling the President's agenda.

"So, that's what they told you, General Sessions?" asked Justice Department attorney Atticus Hawk.

"Of course!" exclaimed Jefferson Beauregard Sessions.  "Why?  Did you hear something else?"

"No, sir, General Sessions, sir!" replied Hawk (who had been leaking to Robert Mueller for many months).  "I have reviewed the initial Clinton Foundation report from the Little Rock FBI agents, and they did find that Chelsea Clinton once visited Egypt."

"What does that mean?" asked the A.G., his right eye twitching as he paced nervously in Hawk's office.

"I was hoping you would tell me."

"They sent up an entire file on the Foundation!  It's gotta say more than that!  We've opened an investigation!"

"Well, basically it says Hillary was Secretary of State, and she dealt with international affairs, and the Clinton Foundation had international donors, but I don't see any legal implications, and if there were, they would be barred by the five-year statute of limitations."

"Don't talk to me about a statute of limitations!"

"Well, it does apply, General Sessions."

"We got the Supreme Court now!" snarled the A.G.

"General Sessions, I don't think you should investigate the Clinton Foundation or Christopher Steele.  It's important right now to think about your legacy."

"What the Hell is that supposed to mean?!" shouted Sessions.  "I put my trust in you, and you speak to me like that?!"

"General Sessions, sir, if I may, you're already putting that Giuliani attorney in as U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York--which will be a tremendous service to the Trump family, and much more than Archibald Cox would have done--and it's alright not to give the President everything he demands.  Just think of how noble you look in the 'Fire and Fury' book!"

"You think I look noble in that book?" asked Sessions, suddenly smiling.

"Oh, absolutely, sir!  Your noble legacy for the recusal!  McGahn looks like a mafia lawyer!"

"Wait," said the A.G., frowning, "did you read that nasty book?"

"Oh, no, General Sessions!" exclaimed Hawk, who had, technically, listened to the entire thing on Audible.  "I saw several conservative websites praising what the book said about you."

"Oh, on the Internets?"

"Yes, sir, on the Internets.  Legacy."

Meanwhile, Luciano Talaverdi Yellen (soon to be legally changing his name back to Luciano Talaverdi) was now munching pizza with the other members of the Camelot Society seated around the FRB Library's round table.

"Forcing out Janet Yellen is not right!" grumbled Obi Wan Woman.  "Jerome Powell won't be any different!  Trump only picked him because he's a white man, and Trump can't stand having anybody that also served Obama!"

"How do you think I feel?!" complained Janet Yellen's deputy.  "The Chair led us out of that terrible Recession, and Powell looks like a skunk!"

"Well, we can't undo this," said Luciano, "so we need to use our SuperPAC to guide Mr. Powell to--"

"Enough!" shouted Obi Wan Woman, glaring at Luciano.  "You always think you're the smartest one in the room!"

"No, I don't!" declared Luciano.  "I picked my wife very stupidly!  Now we're getting a divorce!"

The women economists got up to smother the still handsome Italian economist with affectionate kisses and hugs as the men at the table shook their head in disbelief. 

A mile away, Washington Post "Metro" reporter Perry Winkle, fresh off reading "Fire and Fury", marched energetically into the office to tell his editor that he had an even better inside story about the Trump White House.

"What are you doing here?" barked his editor.  "Have you found any burst pipes yet, or homeless people rescued by good Samaritans?"

"Boss, I have a ton of notes from White House staffers," replied Perry.

"Perry!  Don't waste my time!"

"No, seriously, boss!  Explosive stuff--much better than Wolff's!"

"Unless it's Trump in a three-way with Kellyanne Conway and Hope Hicks, it's not better than Wolff's!  And you're a 'Metro' reporter!"

"Boss, what would you say if I told you that I have a dozen White House staffers who swear they've seen ghosts there?!"

"Perry!  What the Hell!  Are you off your meds?!"

"No, boss, I'm not seeing the ghosts!  The staffers are!  And they say the First Family has, too!  Ghosts from slave times up to the Nixon era!" 

Perry's boss hesitated for a moment.  "Perry, look, maybe it's time for you to take another sabbatical."

"Two of them are on the record!" insisted Perry.

"We'll keep you on the health insurance.  You can write a book, pitch it in NY, and then come back to work."

"Don't you see what this means, boss?" asked Perry.

"Nothing has had any meaning for me in over a year, Perry, but I do know we can't publish that here."

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COMING UP:     The Trump clone baby!