Persona non grata!
"Come on, hon!" said KKK member Ricky Chesterfield. "It's freezing out here, and your contractions are twelve minutes apart!"
"Not yet!" insisted Barbara Hellmeister (current alias "Dr. Bibi Von Braun"). "The Potomac breeze is so refreshing to me!"
Ricky (a South Carolinian who had taken up with Barbara after the white supremacist rally in Charlottesville) had already had two months more of a northern winter than he had ever cared to experience. Her insistence on spending so much time in the squalid watch tower of the 14th Street Bridge was whimsical during the hot summer sex times, and also during the autumn when she was still managing quite a lot of kinky sex acts despite her increasingly large belly, but the sex and warmth were both long gone now.
"We need to get indoors!" he insisted.
"Not yet!" retorted Barbara, glaring at this only partially Aryan simpleton who was too stupid to understand the baby was coming far too early for it to be his. "Not until nine-minute contractions! That will give us plenty of time to get to the lab in Arlington." She closed her eyes to focus on the breathing, basking in the good feeling she unknowingly got from the demon lurking down in the river. (It had been a very upsetting week for her, what with all the criticisms of Trump after he stated the simple genetic truth that Norwegians are far superior racially to immigrants from Haiti and similarly shithole countries in Africa!)
"Alright, have it your way," Ricky muttered under his breath. He reached for the hammer he had placed under his blanket, stood up, walked behind her, and whacked her head to knock her out. Without a sound, she slumped into his waiting arms. He used one hand to check his cellphone, saw that their Lyft would arrive in three minutes, and exhaled deeply. "Everything's gonna be fine, son," he murmured to the baby, who had been cloned from Donald Trump and manipulated at two weeks old to turn off all his moronic Scottish genes in favor of his superior German genes--including a heavy dose of Adolph Hitler ancestral DNA. "Daddy's taking care of everything!"
Meanwhile, Angela de la Paz had just returned from the mission which triple agent Charles Wu had sent her on concerning British intelligence expert Christopher Steele.
"Dang, it's cold in D.C.!" she exclaimed, trotting down the Southwest pier to get to their heated houseboat, Singapore Surprise. "I'm glad the holiday lights are still up!"
Her boyfriend, FBI agent Dulles Samuelson, pulled her close for a kiss before they took their coats off. "I'm so glad to see you! It's been a long week."
"Aren't they all?" Angela replied. "When is Mueller interviewing Trump?"
"Ha!" laughed Dulles. "I'll be the last to know. Maybe the physician at his Walter Reed physical gave him a doctor's note to get out of it."
"Seriously, what's happening at the FBI? That's what everybody wanted to know? Is Trump going to fire dozens of people?"
Dulles shook his head. "I don't know. The crazy thing is that most people who work at the FBI are Republicans, and the Senate GOP is just leaving them to twist in the wind under these relentless outrageous attacks on the agency."
"Steele is very alarmed about it," Angela said. "British intelligence is now sharing less and less with the Trump Administration."
"What was your mission with Steele, anyway?" asked Dulles. "Please tell me you got a copy of the pee pee tape!"
Angela smiled as she set out plates for their Chinese carryout lunch. "That is not a secret I can divulge with the FBI!"
Dulles shook his head, smiling. "I really don't want you to turn into Charles Wu."
"That is not going to happen!" replied Angela. "And actually it was a good deed--Charles was doing a favor for his British contacts."
"So what's up next?"
"Charles is reorganizing his business affairs to take advantage of the new tax regime, so I guess I'll spend a few days checking out what Ardua has been up to."
Dulles gave an involuntary shudder at the thought of the demon inhabiting the same river they did.
Over in Arlington, a rather disoriented Barbara Hellmeister suddenly awoke with an ice bag on her head, lying on the birthing air mattress in their Arlington lab.
"Oh, God!" she screamed as a monster contraction hit her.
"Push!" cried a scarcely qualified midwife Ricky had found on Craigslist.
"Who is this?!" screamed Barbara, glaring at Ricky.
"This is Mary Sue, and--"
"Get her out!" yelled Barbara. "Get out, both of you!"
"Ma'am, that's not a good idea," Mary Sue said gently.
"I've had a baby before! I know how to do it!"
"What?!" exclaimed Ricky, before being interrupted by Barbara's screaming at another contraction.
Back in Washington, Vice President Mike Pence was in the Oval Office meeting with the secret 25th Amendment cabal.
"I think this is the right time to strike!" insisted Pence. "Bannon has just been fired from Breitbart and is too weak to whip up an armed insurrection in support of Trump.
"I disagree," said National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster. "The 'shithole' comments were like crack cocaine to his base. Any move against Trump right now could result in armed attacks on black people all over this country--not to mention FBI agents, Democrats, Jews, journalists, homosexuals, women in pink hats, Mexicans, Filipinos who look like Mexicans, Arabs, Greeks who look like Arabs, Iranians, Indians who look like Iranians, and pastry shops."
"Pastry shops?" asked Pence.
"They now think all bakers are gay," replied McMaster.
"Quite possible," murmured Pence, not noticing McMaster's contemptuous frown. "And the Jews are fine--we did the Jerusalem thing."
"The Jews are not fine!" exclaimed McMaster. "For crying out loud!"
"I think we can still keep him contained," said Defense Secretary Mad Dog Mattis. "We told him about the Hawaii thing an hour later, and he didn't even care. We never tell him anything about North Korea or Iran or the entire Middle East, actually, so as long as we have somebody monitoring Fox News, we can be prepared to mitigate anything he Tweets after watching it."
"I agree with Secretary Mattis," said Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin.
"With all due respect, Mr. Secretary," said McMaster, "you've already got the tax cuts you wanted. Isn't it time to be a patriot?"
"The Jews will be blamed if Trump is removed!"
"Oh, for Pete's sake!" cried McMaster.
"What are the results from the Walter Reed physical?" asked Secretary of State Rex Tillerson.
"It's not like the doctor ordered him into a psychiatric hospital," said Mattis.
"What about creeping dementia? Early Alzheimer's? Mini strokes? If we could just get some kind of cover for this! Do you have any idea what it's like to field over fifty phone calls from irate black and Arab ambassadors? I mean, we might as well just tell China to take over all the mining interests in Africa at this point, because Americans are now persona non grata on an entire continent!"
"What about all the blackmail attempts on Trump?" asked CIA Director Mike Pompeo, whose right eye was twitching as he scratched under his cursed Rolex. "Aren't those sluts dangerous to national security?"
The National Security Adviser cleared his throat. "With all due respect, Mr. Director, we have bigger things to worry about."
"Putin can blackmail a man with sluts in the closet!" insisted Pompeo. "Paying them off does no good if Putin still knows!"
"What are you trying to say, Mike?" asked Mattis.
Pompeo burped loudly, excused himself, and left the room with the whispering Rolex pressed to his ear.
After the door shut, Pence smiled broadly. "I could replace him if you let me!"
Back in Arlington, Barbara's baby was finally crowning! She was grunting and pushing to the sound of a Wagnerian opera playing in the background.
"It's almost here, hon!" said Mary Sue.
Barbara glared at the Virginia simpleton, then turned to see her South Carolinian simpleton looking stupidly into her eyes.
"You got this, babe!" Ricky cried.
With one more push, the baby boy came out. Mary Sue screamed at the sight of him, fainted, and toppled over. Ricky scrambled to retrieve his blood-covered son from the end of the air mattress, then opened his mouth in shock. The first thing he noticed were the half-dozen writhing tentacles in place of arms and legs. Then he noticed the baby had only one eye...and fangs protruding from its mouth.
"Give me the baby!" hollered the exhausted Barbara, eager to see her Aryan masterpiece.
Ricky took a nearby towel, gingerly wrapped it around the creature's scaly skin, then handed it to Barbara--who immediately felt and saw what was wrong.
"NO!" she wailed at the top of her lungs, completely unaware of what a river demon could do to affect the expression of even the most intense Aryan genes. "It's even worse than the last one!"
Mary Sue awoke just in time to see Barbara break her own baby's neck, then Mary Sue fainted again.
"Well, honey," murmured Ricky, carefully pulling the midwife away from Barbara, "why don't you try to get some sleep now."
"I hate you all!" screamed Barbara, resolved to never be a mother again, and return to perfecting her Nazi grandfather's experiments. "Get out!"
"Sure, Bibi, just as soon as Mary Sue wakes up. See, I'm getting her coat and bag, and I think my coat is over here." He saw Barbara look away from them and roll over to her side. He quietly searched for his duffel bag, and finally just grabbed a trash bag to stuff his clothing and personal belongings into. He had his cellphone and car keys in his pockets as Mary Sue woke up. He got her into her coat without a sound, tossed two bottles of Pepsi into her bag, and silently led her out of the lab into the bright sunshine and shockingly crisp fresh air.
"What...?" was all Mary Sue was able to muster. Ricky handed her a Pepsi, then started chugging one himself. After a few minutes, she again asked, "what...?"
"That was just a bad lab experiment, Mary Sue. She's a brilliant scientist, but everybody makes mistakes sometimes."
"But--" began Mary Sue.
"I'm ready to head back to South Carolina, I'll tell you that, ma'am! Yes, ma'am." He suddenly grabbed his wallet out of his back pocket. "Almost forgot." He handed her some twenties, and then they went their separate ways.
Inside the lab, Barbara Hellmeister was wide awake, staring at the hideous deformity she had hurled across the floor, and the blood dripping from it onto a newspaper insert advertising a furniture sale on Martin Luther King Day. She resolved to dissect the creature as soon as her strength returned, and put its cells under the microscope.
****************************************************
COMING UP:
The diary of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions!
"Not yet!" insisted Barbara Hellmeister (current alias "Dr. Bibi Von Braun"). "The Potomac breeze is so refreshing to me!"
Ricky (a South Carolinian who had taken up with Barbara after the white supremacist rally in Charlottesville) had already had two months more of a northern winter than he had ever cared to experience. Her insistence on spending so much time in the squalid watch tower of the 14th Street Bridge was whimsical during the hot summer sex times, and also during the autumn when she was still managing quite a lot of kinky sex acts despite her increasingly large belly, but the sex and warmth were both long gone now.
"We need to get indoors!" he insisted.
"Not yet!" retorted Barbara, glaring at this only partially Aryan simpleton who was too stupid to understand the baby was coming far too early for it to be his. "Not until nine-minute contractions! That will give us plenty of time to get to the lab in Arlington." She closed her eyes to focus on the breathing, basking in the good feeling she unknowingly got from the demon lurking down in the river. (It had been a very upsetting week for her, what with all the criticisms of Trump after he stated the simple genetic truth that Norwegians are far superior racially to immigrants from Haiti and similarly shithole countries in Africa!)
"Alright, have it your way," Ricky muttered under his breath. He reached for the hammer he had placed under his blanket, stood up, walked behind her, and whacked her head to knock her out. Without a sound, she slumped into his waiting arms. He used one hand to check his cellphone, saw that their Lyft would arrive in three minutes, and exhaled deeply. "Everything's gonna be fine, son," he murmured to the baby, who had been cloned from Donald Trump and manipulated at two weeks old to turn off all his moronic Scottish genes in favor of his superior German genes--including a heavy dose of Adolph Hitler ancestral DNA. "Daddy's taking care of everything!"
Meanwhile, Angela de la Paz had just returned from the mission which triple agent Charles Wu had sent her on concerning British intelligence expert Christopher Steele.
"Dang, it's cold in D.C.!" she exclaimed, trotting down the Southwest pier to get to their heated houseboat, Singapore Surprise. "I'm glad the holiday lights are still up!"
Her boyfriend, FBI agent Dulles Samuelson, pulled her close for a kiss before they took their coats off. "I'm so glad to see you! It's been a long week."
"Aren't they all?" Angela replied. "When is Mueller interviewing Trump?"
"Ha!" laughed Dulles. "I'll be the last to know. Maybe the physician at his Walter Reed physical gave him a doctor's note to get out of it."
"Seriously, what's happening at the FBI? That's what everybody wanted to know? Is Trump going to fire dozens of people?"
Dulles shook his head. "I don't know. The crazy thing is that most people who work at the FBI are Republicans, and the Senate GOP is just leaving them to twist in the wind under these relentless outrageous attacks on the agency."
"Steele is very alarmed about it," Angela said. "British intelligence is now sharing less and less with the Trump Administration."
"What was your mission with Steele, anyway?" asked Dulles. "Please tell me you got a copy of the pee pee tape!"
Angela smiled as she set out plates for their Chinese carryout lunch. "That is not a secret I can divulge with the FBI!"
Dulles shook his head, smiling. "I really don't want you to turn into Charles Wu."
"That is not going to happen!" replied Angela. "And actually it was a good deed--Charles was doing a favor for his British contacts."
"So what's up next?"
"Charles is reorganizing his business affairs to take advantage of the new tax regime, so I guess I'll spend a few days checking out what Ardua has been up to."
Dulles gave an involuntary shudder at the thought of the demon inhabiting the same river they did.
Over in Arlington, a rather disoriented Barbara Hellmeister suddenly awoke with an ice bag on her head, lying on the birthing air mattress in their Arlington lab.
"Oh, God!" she screamed as a monster contraction hit her.
"Push!" cried a scarcely qualified midwife Ricky had found on Craigslist.
"Who is this?!" screamed Barbara, glaring at Ricky.
"This is Mary Sue, and--"
"Get her out!" yelled Barbara. "Get out, both of you!"
"Ma'am, that's not a good idea," Mary Sue said gently.
"I've had a baby before! I know how to do it!"
"What?!" exclaimed Ricky, before being interrupted by Barbara's screaming at another contraction.
Back in Washington, Vice President Mike Pence was in the Oval Office meeting with the secret 25th Amendment cabal.
"I think this is the right time to strike!" insisted Pence. "Bannon has just been fired from Breitbart and is too weak to whip up an armed insurrection in support of Trump.
"I disagree," said National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster. "The 'shithole' comments were like crack cocaine to his base. Any move against Trump right now could result in armed attacks on black people all over this country--not to mention FBI agents, Democrats, Jews, journalists, homosexuals, women in pink hats, Mexicans, Filipinos who look like Mexicans, Arabs, Greeks who look like Arabs, Iranians, Indians who look like Iranians, and pastry shops."
"Pastry shops?" asked Pence.
"They now think all bakers are gay," replied McMaster.
"Quite possible," murmured Pence, not noticing McMaster's contemptuous frown. "And the Jews are fine--we did the Jerusalem thing."
"The Jews are not fine!" exclaimed McMaster. "For crying out loud!"
"I think we can still keep him contained," said Defense Secretary Mad Dog Mattis. "We told him about the Hawaii thing an hour later, and he didn't even care. We never tell him anything about North Korea or Iran or the entire Middle East, actually, so as long as we have somebody monitoring Fox News, we can be prepared to mitigate anything he Tweets after watching it."
"I agree with Secretary Mattis," said Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin.
"With all due respect, Mr. Secretary," said McMaster, "you've already got the tax cuts you wanted. Isn't it time to be a patriot?"
"The Jews will be blamed if Trump is removed!"
"Oh, for Pete's sake!" cried McMaster.
"What are the results from the Walter Reed physical?" asked Secretary of State Rex Tillerson.
"It's not like the doctor ordered him into a psychiatric hospital," said Mattis.
"What about creeping dementia? Early Alzheimer's? Mini strokes? If we could just get some kind of cover for this! Do you have any idea what it's like to field over fifty phone calls from irate black and Arab ambassadors? I mean, we might as well just tell China to take over all the mining interests in Africa at this point, because Americans are now persona non grata on an entire continent!"
"What about all the blackmail attempts on Trump?" asked CIA Director Mike Pompeo, whose right eye was twitching as he scratched under his cursed Rolex. "Aren't those sluts dangerous to national security?"
The National Security Adviser cleared his throat. "With all due respect, Mr. Director, we have bigger things to worry about."
"Putin can blackmail a man with sluts in the closet!" insisted Pompeo. "Paying them off does no good if Putin still knows!"
"What are you trying to say, Mike?" asked Mattis.
Pompeo burped loudly, excused himself, and left the room with the whispering Rolex pressed to his ear.
After the door shut, Pence smiled broadly. "I could replace him if you let me!"
Back in Arlington, Barbara's baby was finally crowning! She was grunting and pushing to the sound of a Wagnerian opera playing in the background.
"It's almost here, hon!" said Mary Sue.
Barbara glared at the Virginia simpleton, then turned to see her South Carolinian simpleton looking stupidly into her eyes.
"You got this, babe!" Ricky cried.
With one more push, the baby boy came out. Mary Sue screamed at the sight of him, fainted, and toppled over. Ricky scrambled to retrieve his blood-covered son from the end of the air mattress, then opened his mouth in shock. The first thing he noticed were the half-dozen writhing tentacles in place of arms and legs. Then he noticed the baby had only one eye...and fangs protruding from its mouth.
"Give me the baby!" hollered the exhausted Barbara, eager to see her Aryan masterpiece.
Ricky took a nearby towel, gingerly wrapped it around the creature's scaly skin, then handed it to Barbara--who immediately felt and saw what was wrong.
"NO!" she wailed at the top of her lungs, completely unaware of what a river demon could do to affect the expression of even the most intense Aryan genes. "It's even worse than the last one!"
Mary Sue awoke just in time to see Barbara break her own baby's neck, then Mary Sue fainted again.
"Well, honey," murmured Ricky, carefully pulling the midwife away from Barbara, "why don't you try to get some sleep now."
"I hate you all!" screamed Barbara, resolved to never be a mother again, and return to perfecting her Nazi grandfather's experiments. "Get out!"
"Sure, Bibi, just as soon as Mary Sue wakes up. See, I'm getting her coat and bag, and I think my coat is over here." He saw Barbara look away from them and roll over to her side. He quietly searched for his duffel bag, and finally just grabbed a trash bag to stuff his clothing and personal belongings into. He had his cellphone and car keys in his pockets as Mary Sue woke up. He got her into her coat without a sound, tossed two bottles of Pepsi into her bag, and silently led her out of the lab into the bright sunshine and shockingly crisp fresh air.
"What...?" was all Mary Sue was able to muster. Ricky handed her a Pepsi, then started chugging one himself. After a few minutes, she again asked, "what...?"
"That was just a bad lab experiment, Mary Sue. She's a brilliant scientist, but everybody makes mistakes sometimes."
"But--" began Mary Sue.
"I'm ready to head back to South Carolina, I'll tell you that, ma'am! Yes, ma'am." He suddenly grabbed his wallet out of his back pocket. "Almost forgot." He handed her some twenties, and then they went their separate ways.
Inside the lab, Barbara Hellmeister was wide awake, staring at the hideous deformity she had hurled across the floor, and the blood dripping from it onto a newspaper insert advertising a furniture sale on Martin Luther King Day. She resolved to dissect the creature as soon as her strength returned, and put its cells under the microscope.
****************************************************
COMING UP:
The diary of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions!
posted by washingtonwaterwoman | 2:15 PM
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