The Diary of Jared Kushner
Dear Diary,
OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!!!!!!
Why is this happening to me?! All I wanted to do was be a good husband and son-in-law, and get super rich! What's so wrong with that?
I was having a nice relaxing week, playing single dad while Ivanka was doing her photo ops in India. I got to read the bedtime story! I let the kids eat cheeseburgers and French fries! I got online and ordered them the Hanukkah gifts they wanted! I let them stay up late watching cartoons! I even let them watch "Pocahontas", and told them sometimes Grampa Trump makes a mistake, but he's the President!
Then the nanny came on to me, and I had to fire her, and she's probably gonna accuse me of #MeToo sexual harassment, and how will I get Ivanka to believe me? The nanny was probably wearing a wire for "The New York Times", but how can I prove that!? I had to make up a lie about why I fired the nanny! The kids loved that nanny! I had to drop the kids off the next day with Eric and Lara at the hotel, and they hate Eric and Lara! They only like Aunt Tiffany. They wanted to go to the Christmas Tree lighting with Aunt Tiffany last night, and how was I supposed to know they'd spend the whole time asking where all the people are? Who put out all those empty chairs? It's a conspiracy to embarrass us ALL THE TIME!
Why don't they love us?! I'm busting my ass flying to the Middle East constantly--where all the damned TERRORISTS and REFUGEES are--and I make deals with the Saudis even though they HATE JEWS! But does anybody give me credit for it? NO! I'm creating EQUITY FOR THE FAMILY! I'm creating peace in the Middle East, too! It will be very peaceful after this Yemen thing is crushed, and Iran, and Qatar, too. Syria's a lost cause, but, hey, nobody can blame ME for THAT! Last night there was a huge party celebrating 40 years of peace between Israel and Egypt, and did the lamestream media cover it? NO! And 40 years from now, will they give me credit for giving Saudi Arabia the greenlight to starve out the Houthi people and lock up political dissenters? NO!
And I'm re-shaping government! And negotiating a better NAFTA! And who fired the White House exterminator and ordered new ones? Me! I also got rid of the white legal pads and replaced them with yellow ones. I have to do EVERYTHING at the White House! What does Omarosa do? NOTHING! What does Kellyanne do? NOTHING! What does Melania do? NOTHING! She can't even do Christmas decorations right! What was she thinking?
I do EVERYTHING, but it's never enough! They're always coming after me! Last night I had a dream that I was going through the airport, and somebody had a gorilla android robot they were trying to take on my plane, and I said, ARE YOU CRAZY? I made the airport security call the bomb squad, and they put him in the room where they explode suspicious packages, and it SURVIVED THE DYNAMITE! And then the gorilla came up to the shatterproof glass and screamed at us: "You will regret this! You will regret this!" Like a real gorilla, or a real person! And I woke up IN TERROR! It was a hundred times worse than the dream where Nana is being fed into the Holocaust oven because I did not speak out about Charlottesville. Is that gorilla Robert Mueller? Is it that guy that works for Kislyak who scares the shit out of me? WHO IS THE GORILLA COMING FOR ME?!
I woke up today thinking we were going to pass the greatest tax millionaire tax cuts in U.S. history, and people would finally start giving us respect for MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, and I find out MIKE FLYNN MADE A DEAL WITH ROBERT MUELLER! WHAT THE HELL?! What is he saying?! What is he telling them?! You can't rat out Russian mobsters--THEY WILL KILL US ALL!
I promised Dad I would never go to prison, but maybe that's the only way to stay alive! OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD! They're going to take away my provisional security clearance! I'll have to work from home and listen to the tutor's stupid Chinese nursery rhyme songs all day long! Will I lose Secret Service protection? I can't go jogging without protection! I'll have to use the treadmill in the basement, and whenever I do that down there, right when I'm feeling the burn and I'm SUPPOSED to get the runner's high, he always comes at me! That horrible slave ghost with the shackles on! And then I know I'm dehydrated and have to stop to drink water, and I never get my runner's high! I need Secret Service! I need
OH GOD! They're saying Flynn named me. FLYNN NAMED ME! This isn't fair! I've gotta call my lawyer!
****************************************************
COMING UP:
Bad Santa takes over the GOP!
OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!!!!!!
Why is this happening to me?! All I wanted to do was be a good husband and son-in-law, and get super rich! What's so wrong with that?
I was having a nice relaxing week, playing single dad while Ivanka was doing her photo ops in India. I got to read the bedtime story! I let the kids eat cheeseburgers and French fries! I got online and ordered them the Hanukkah gifts they wanted! I let them stay up late watching cartoons! I even let them watch "Pocahontas", and told them sometimes Grampa Trump makes a mistake, but he's the President!
Then the nanny came on to me, and I had to fire her, and she's probably gonna accuse me of #MeToo sexual harassment, and how will I get Ivanka to believe me? The nanny was probably wearing a wire for "The New York Times", but how can I prove that!? I had to make up a lie about why I fired the nanny! The kids loved that nanny! I had to drop the kids off the next day with Eric and Lara at the hotel, and they hate Eric and Lara! They only like Aunt Tiffany. They wanted to go to the Christmas Tree lighting with Aunt Tiffany last night, and how was I supposed to know they'd spend the whole time asking where all the people are? Who put out all those empty chairs? It's a conspiracy to embarrass us ALL THE TIME!
Why don't they love us?! I'm busting my ass flying to the Middle East constantly--where all the damned TERRORISTS and REFUGEES are--and I make deals with the Saudis even though they HATE JEWS! But does anybody give me credit for it? NO! I'm creating EQUITY FOR THE FAMILY! I'm creating peace in the Middle East, too! It will be very peaceful after this Yemen thing is crushed, and Iran, and Qatar, too. Syria's a lost cause, but, hey, nobody can blame ME for THAT! Last night there was a huge party celebrating 40 years of peace between Israel and Egypt, and did the lamestream media cover it? NO! And 40 years from now, will they give me credit for giving Saudi Arabia the greenlight to starve out the Houthi people and lock up political dissenters? NO!
And I'm re-shaping government! And negotiating a better NAFTA! And who fired the White House exterminator and ordered new ones? Me! I also got rid of the white legal pads and replaced them with yellow ones. I have to do EVERYTHING at the White House! What does Omarosa do? NOTHING! What does Kellyanne do? NOTHING! What does Melania do? NOTHING! She can't even do Christmas decorations right! What was she thinking?
I do EVERYTHING, but it's never enough! They're always coming after me! Last night I had a dream that I was going through the airport, and somebody had a gorilla android robot they were trying to take on my plane, and I said, ARE YOU CRAZY? I made the airport security call the bomb squad, and they put him in the room where they explode suspicious packages, and it SURVIVED THE DYNAMITE! And then the gorilla came up to the shatterproof glass and screamed at us: "You will regret this! You will regret this!" Like a real gorilla, or a real person! And I woke up IN TERROR! It was a hundred times worse than the dream where Nana is being fed into the Holocaust oven because I did not speak out about Charlottesville. Is that gorilla Robert Mueller? Is it that guy that works for Kislyak who scares the shit out of me? WHO IS THE GORILLA COMING FOR ME?!
I woke up today thinking we were going to pass the greatest tax millionaire tax cuts in U.S. history, and people would finally start giving us respect for MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, and I find out MIKE FLYNN MADE A DEAL WITH ROBERT MUELLER! WHAT THE HELL?! What is he saying?! What is he telling them?! You can't rat out Russian mobsters--THEY WILL KILL US ALL!
I promised Dad I would never go to prison, but maybe that's the only way to stay alive! OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD! They're going to take away my provisional security clearance! I'll have to work from home and listen to the tutor's stupid Chinese nursery rhyme songs all day long! Will I lose Secret Service protection? I can't go jogging without protection! I'll have to use the treadmill in the basement, and whenever I do that down there, right when I'm feeling the burn and I'm SUPPOSED to get the runner's high, he always comes at me! That horrible slave ghost with the shackles on! And then I know I'm dehydrated and have to stop to drink water, and I never get my runner's high! I need Secret Service! I need
OH GOD! They're saying Flynn named me. FLYNN NAMED ME! This isn't fair! I've gotta call my lawyer!
****************************************************
COMING UP:
Bad Santa takes over the GOP!
posted by washingtonwaterwoman | 3:12 PM
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