Fake Fire and Fury!

"What do you mean, we're through?!" wailed Helen Talaverdi Yellen, whose husband had waited until after the holidays to tell her he wanted a divorce.

"I just think this relationship is going nowhere," replied Luciano Talaverdi Yellen, an Italian economist who had married Helen Yellen and legally changed his name to curry favor with Janet Yellen.  "It's my fault."

"Damned straight, it's your fault!" hollered Helen.  "I gave up a beautiful house-sitting career for amazing clients like John Bon Jovi to be your housewife!"

"It's not like we have any children," Luciano said, hoping this wouldn't take too long since he had a Camelot Society meeting at the Federal Reserve Board this afternoon.

"How can you be so cold-hearted?!" sobbed Helen, hugging her pot-bellied pig tightly.

"I'll give you Petro Pig and the condo and--"

"Is there another woman?!"

"Of course not!  But I need to focus on my career right now."

"Spreading your stupid liquidity around for stupid people who all suck!" sniffed Helen.

"The country is in a very delicate position right now," said Luciano.  "Institutions like the Federal Reserve Board are vital to steer the ship of state towards--"

"Why did Trump fire Janet Yellen?!" retorted Helen.  "Because she's a woman, and he wanted an old white man in charge again!  You're all fascists!"

"Don't you ever call me that!" exclaimed Luciano.  "My grandfather Paolo is rolling over in his grave!"

"You think you can come into our country and understand how things are supposed to be, and tell me about institutions, and then just blow up your marriage?!  It's disgusting!"

"I can't talk to you when you're like this.  I need to go."

Meanwhile, the institution known as the Trump Administration was having a retreat at Camp David to discuss 2018's legislative agenda.  A couple days after Trump's "I have a bigger button" Tweet, a day after his "Sloppy Steve" Tweet, and a few hours after Trump's dawn Tweets about his superior intelligence and what a stable genius he was his whole life, he launched into a press conference about his hatred of the First Amendment and all things "Fire and Fury" (which included lying leaks or leaked lies, depending on your point of view!).  White House Chief of Staff John Kelly was now trying to get Donald Trump focused--

"Mr. President, the Speaker of the House believes that the American people--"

"Ryan doesn't need to tell me what the American people want!" interjected Trump.  "I'm their messiah!"

"I realize that some of the Vice President's friends have told you that, but I think it's important to--"

"I am Making America Great Again!"

"Amen!" shouted Betsy DeVos, who had recently created a Department of Education task force dedicated to making sure that future history books not lie about Donald Trump.

"Mr. President," began Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, "the time is ripe for Social Security reform and--"

"The border wall, Paul," interrupted Trump.  "Eighteen billion dollars--it's a bargain, really."

"It is," said Secretary of Homeland Security Kirstjen Nielsen, "but we do need to revisit the Coast Guard drug interdiction efforts and--"

"I think Steve Bannon is on drugs, right?" interjected Trump.  "He never would say mean things about me unless he's on drugs, right?  Remember that wall in his office where he had all those priorities written down, and Stephen Miller was helping him, and it was like a revolution!  I think EPA's doing the best with--what is it--the--you know--the Deep State and Hillary."

"We're not enforcing a single environmental law on the books!" crowed EPA Director Scott Pruitt.

"But Hillary--she had the illegal alien votes and that State Department thing and--when is she going to prison?"

"The Department of Justice is working on that," replied John Kelly.  "Today we need to focus on--"

"Where's Jeff?" asked Trump.  "Oh, never mind, I remember.  Did he arrest Christopher Steele?  There was no pee-pee tape!"

"Mr. President," said Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, "the British ambassador has expressed concerns about future cooperation on sensitive security intelligence if their most respected agents are going to be dragged through the mud by U.S. Senators."

"NO PEE-PEE TAPE, REX!" shouted Trump, who then picked up his Diet Coke and tried to throw it against the wall, but it fell short by two feet and landed quietly on the carpeting.

"Mr. President, the United Kingdom will react in the most negative manner possible to--"

"NO PEE-PEE TAPE!  FAKE DOSSIER!"

"Mr. President," began John Kelly, "what Rex is trying to say is that asking the FBI to investigate a British intelligence officer is counter-productive and--"

"FAKE DOSSIER!"

"Mr. President, if I may," said the Speaker of the House, "it may be less important for us to worry about what British agents are doing when we have so much work to do in controlling what American agents are doing.  This week I met with Deputy Attorney General Rosenstein and FBI Director Christopher Wray--"

"From Baltimore!" sneered Trump.

"Uh, I think he's from the Northeast, but worked in Baltimore at one--"

"Baltimore!  Sad!  Democrats!"

Paul Ryan cleared his throat a little too loudly.  "The House is exercising its oversight--"

"And the Senate!" interjected Mitch McConnell, who had suddenly jolted awake from his post-cheeseburger nap.  "And Jeff Sessions is a good man!"

"Yesssss," said the Speaker of the House, "but we are putting pressure on the Special Counsel because the Attorney General recused himself--"

"Damn it!  Why did you let him recuse himself?!" demanded Trump, glaring at John Kelly.

"I was at DHS when that happened, Mr. President."

"Why is there no television in here?" asked Trump.

"We have an intern monitoring Fox News for you, Mr. President," replied John Kelly.

"Speaking of Fox," began Communications Director Hope Hicks, "I did want to discuss possible legislation to address--"

"I never said what the book said that Bannon said that I said about you, Hope," said Trump.

"Of course not, Mr. President," replied Hope Hicks.  "Fox News highlighted a problem in--"

"I mean, it sounds like something I might have said as locker room talk, great piece of tail, or, well, Corey's affair, or not having an affair, or--"

It was then that the flushed water building up behind a pipe frozen solid since three a.m. reached enough pressure to explode loudly just outside the wall of the ground floor restroom, sending the wet bowel movements of several Cabinet members hurtling backward into that restroom, shooting out of the toilets and flooding quickly across the floor and out into the hallway where the Cabinet members had run in confusion to find the underground bunker that served as a safe space during a terrorist attack.  Old white men shoved women (Betsy and Hope) and children (Trump) aside to get to the bunker first, only to slip on sewage and fall down in their own filth.  Secret Service agents looked at each other, waiting for somebody else to pick up the shitty Cabinet members and poopy POTUS.

Back in D.C., the Attorney General was, indeed, hard at work at the Justice Department, having not been invited to Camp David because he was very, very, very busy fulfilling the President's agenda.

"So, that's what they told you, General Sessions?" asked Justice Department attorney Atticus Hawk.

"Of course!" exclaimed Jefferson Beauregard Sessions.  "Why?  Did you hear something else?"

"No, sir, General Sessions, sir!" replied Hawk (who had been leaking to Robert Mueller for many months).  "I have reviewed the initial Clinton Foundation report from the Little Rock FBI agents, and they did find that Chelsea Clinton once visited Egypt."

"What does that mean?" asked the A.G., his right eye twitching as he paced nervously in Hawk's office.

"I was hoping you would tell me."

"They sent up an entire file on the Foundation!  It's gotta say more than that!  We've opened an investigation!"

"Well, basically it says Hillary was Secretary of State, and she dealt with international affairs, and the Clinton Foundation had international donors, but I don't see any legal implications, and if there were, they would be barred by the five-year statute of limitations."

"Don't talk to me about a statute of limitations!"

"Well, it does apply, General Sessions."

"We got the Supreme Court now!" snarled the A.G.

"General Sessions, I don't think you should investigate the Clinton Foundation or Christopher Steele.  It's important right now to think about your legacy."

"What the Hell is that supposed to mean?!" shouted Sessions.  "I put my trust in you, and you speak to me like that?!"

"General Sessions, sir, if I may, you're already putting that Giuliani attorney in as U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York--which will be a tremendous service to the Trump family, and much more than Archibald Cox would have done--and it's alright not to give the President everything he demands.  Just think of how noble you look in the 'Fire and Fury' book!"

"You think I look noble in that book?" asked Sessions, suddenly smiling.

"Oh, absolutely, sir!  Your noble legacy for the recusal!  McGahn looks like a mafia lawyer!"

"Wait," said the A.G., frowning, "did you read that nasty book?"

"Oh, no, General Sessions!" exclaimed Hawk, who had, technically, listened to the entire thing on Audible.  "I saw several conservative websites praising what the book said about you."

"Oh, on the Internets?"

"Yes, sir, on the Internets.  Legacy."

Meanwhile, Luciano Talaverdi Yellen (soon to be legally changing his name back to Luciano Talaverdi) was now munching pizza with the other members of the Camelot Society seated around the FRB Library's round table.

"Forcing out Janet Yellen is not right!" grumbled Obi Wan Woman.  "Jerome Powell won't be any different!  Trump only picked him because he's a white man, and Trump can't stand having anybody that also served Obama!"

"How do you think I feel?!" complained Janet Yellen's deputy.  "The Chair led us out of that terrible Recession, and Powell looks like a skunk!"

"Well, we can't undo this," said Luciano, "so we need to use our SuperPAC to guide Mr. Powell to--"

"Enough!" shouted Obi Wan Woman, glaring at Luciano.  "You always think you're the smartest one in the room!"

"No, I don't!" declared Luciano.  "I picked my wife very stupidly!  Now we're getting a divorce!"

The women economists got up to smother the still handsome Italian economist with affectionate kisses and hugs as the men at the table shook their head in disbelief. 

A mile away, Washington Post "Metro" reporter Perry Winkle, fresh off reading "Fire and Fury", marched energetically into the office to tell his editor that he had an even better inside story about the Trump White House.

"What are you doing here?" barked his editor.  "Have you found any burst pipes yet, or homeless people rescued by good Samaritans?"

"Boss, I have a ton of notes from White House staffers," replied Perry.

"Perry!  Don't waste my time!"

"No, seriously, boss!  Explosive stuff--much better than Wolff's!"

"Unless it's Trump in a three-way with Kellyanne Conway and Hope Hicks, it's not better than Wolff's!  And you're a 'Metro' reporter!"

"Boss, what would you say if I told you that I have a dozen White House staffers who swear they've seen ghosts there?!"

"Perry!  What the Hell!  Are you off your meds?!"

"No, boss, I'm not seeing the ghosts!  The staffers are!  And they say the First Family has, too!  Ghosts from slave times up to the Nixon era!" 

Perry's boss hesitated for a moment.  "Perry, look, maybe it's time for you to take another sabbatical."

"Two of them are on the record!" insisted Perry.

"We'll keep you on the health insurance.  You can write a book, pitch it in NY, and then come back to work."

"Don't you see what this means, boss?" asked Perry.

"Nothing has had any meaning for me in over a year, Perry, but I do know we can't publish that here."

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COMING UP:     The Trump clone baby!