Ivanka joins a self-help group!
Ivanka Trunk walked cautiously into the DC Chapter meeting of Sense of Entitlement Anonymous, but felt relieved immediately upon seeing two members of the U.S. Supreme Court. "Justice Gorsuch! What a pleasure it is to see you again."
"Again? What?" cried Gorsuch, looking around the room nervously. "What official reason would we have ever had to meet before?"
"It's a pleasure to see you," said Chief Justice John Roberts, ignoring his junior colleague and striding past him to extend a hand to Ivanka. "Just remember we can't discuss Court matters," he added, more quietly.
"Except with me!" interjected realtor Calico Johnson, bounding across the room. (He had used a mutual real estate connection to invite Ivanka to the meeting he was hosting at his Potomac Manors estate this evening.) "You can talk with me about anything, anytime, 24/7!" he said, taking her offered hand and kissing it in his best imitation of a Sir Lancelot moment. "I'm a great listener," he added, with a wink.
Over in the corner, two members from N.U.T.T.Y. (Nannies United to Take Y-chromosomes) both said "slut!" in unison, but nobody heard them except Federal Reserve Board economist Luciano Talaverdi.
"That's a bit rough, girls!" he said, tut-tutting and waving his finger at them. "She seems very loyal to Jared."
"A little too loyal, if you know what I mean," said one.
"I heard that Jared is having a torrid affair with their nanny, and Ivanka is having a revenge affair with Stephen Miller," said the other.
"The only torrid affair Jared is having is with his asset manager," scoffed Talaverdi, whose Roman mother was still denouncing Trump's audience with the Pope. "The only question being whether that Russian is kosher!" Talaverdi laughed at his own joke, but the nannies sipped their cocktails quietly, staring at him blankly. Marriage has killed my sex appeal, he thought.
"Let's get started!" barked Dick Cheney, who had gained fifteen pounds stress-eating since the Inauguration and relished the opportunity to get away from his wife's strict cooking and grab a plate full of chips and brownies. He sat in the chair furthest away from where Ivanka was standing because he couldn't even look at her without picturing Donald Trump discussing whether she was a hot piece of ass.
"Why don't you start, honey?" suggested Calico Johnson, easing Ivanka into a chair with a glass of wine.
"I just don't understand why so many people hate me!" she said, playing with her own hair (which she had spent thirty minutes preparing) and crossing her legs to display her violet suede stilettos (which were from her own fashion collection). "I work hard for our country. I'm successful at business. I wrote an uplifting book. I live in a hip neighborhood where the Obama's live. I'm a dutiful wife and mother. I'm respectful to my parents as the Talmud commands--."
"Talmud?!" exclaimed Bridezilla (a Prince and Prowling junior partner now regretting her decision to wear an Ivanka Trump dress she had purchased on deep discount at Nordstrom's).
"It's the--"
"It's the Fifth Commandment which tells us to honor our parents," said Bridezilla.
"Well, yes," replied Ivanka. "I was simply putting it in the context of the rich Jewish tradition which informs my family values."
"What does your rich Jewish tradition say about honoring a father who's--" began Judge Sowell Ame, but he was quickly cut off by Dick Cheney.
"Look, Ivanka, this is a meeting where people cut the crap. We all know you're not really Jewish and just converted to please your husband because you have terrible daddy issues and constantly crave the approval of alpha males."
"That's true!" exclaimed Ivanka, now perceiving who the alpha male of the group was tonight.
"Now, Dick," said the Chief Justice, "this is her first time here."
"She needs to open up at her own pace," said Calico Johnson, who had seized the opportunity to stand behind Ivanka and place his soothing hands on her neck.
"I'm a creative, sensitive soul!" cried Ivanka, relaxing into Johnson's fingertips. "When you follow your passion, the money just comes naturally! How can we help it if Russian bankers find our projects attractive investments?!"
"Personally," said Bridezilla, "I think you need better legal advice. I could help--"
"Oh, hogwash!" exclaimed John Boehner, former Speaker of the House. "She needs better political advice! Get out of Washington! Nobody cared about your Russian bankers when you were in New York!"
"But Daddy fired a U.S. Attorney in NYC for investigating that, didn't he?" interjected Judge Ame.
"Shouldn't we get out of here?" whispered Justice Gorsuch to Chief Justice Roberts, who ignored him and crammed more onion dip into his face.
"Daddy just wants to make America great again!" exclaimed Ivanka.
"Of course he does," whispered Calico Johnson into her ear with a split-second flick of his tongue.
"Can we talk about somebody else's problems now?" whined one of the nannies. "Mrs. Richardson was supposed to take a business trip to Japan, leaving me alone with Allen for a week, and suddenly she canceled the trip! And now Allen is working overtime at the State Department because every country in the world is yelling at Rex Tillerson! How is that fair to me?"
"It's definitely not fair," said Luciano Talaverdi, but the sarcasm went undetected because of his Italian accent.
"I'll tell you what's not fair," said John Boehner. "Young whipper-snapper Republicans telling me that I should have had an Obamacare replacement plan ready since I held a hundred votes to repeal it! Hey, do your own job! My job was handing you a reelection when you claimed you voted against Obamacare a hundred times!"
"You're an absolute legend," said Bridezilla. "I think my new boyfriend is a secret spy. I was wondering if that's become very common in Washington now?"
"They just pretend they're spies so you don't realize they're sneakin' around to cheat on you," sighed one of the nannies.
"No, he does it right in front of me," said Bridezilla.
"That doesn't make any sense," said Judge Ame. "You know what I'm sick of? All these protesters tying up my docket with their incompetent public defenders! None of 'em will plead guilty to rioting on Inauguration Day! They all say they were 'swept up' unfairly by the police! You know how long it takes to adjudicate when they're asserting Constitutional defenses? I ain't gonna let an appeals judge mock my Constitutional reasoning! Gotta think hard on these opinions all the time now. It's exhausting!"
"This is an exhausting time for me, as well," said a former member of the FISA court. "We were never supposed to have this much scrutiny on Capitol Hill! I keep getting called about past decisions to eavesdrop on Russians! And all those idiots who voted for the Patriot Act are suddenly worried about unmasking? Were they all sleeping through that Patriot Act vote?"
"I'm having nightmares about Comey's upcoming testimony!" exclaimed Ivanka, looking to alpha male Dick Cheney for approval. "People keep saying...oh, I can't even bear to say it out loud!"
"That Jared and Daddy are going to prison?" replied Cheney. "Daddy can pardon Jared, and Pence can pardon Daddy. The fossil fuel industry has your back!" he added. (He had actually made love to his wife three times the day Trump kicked the Paris climate change agreement to the curb.)
Ivanka burst into tears at the thought of Daddy and Jared going to prison, and failed to see how the fossil fuel industry could help the situation.
"Ivanushka!" exclaimed Calico Johnson, in an attempt at a Russian term of endearment. He squeezed her neck hard and kissed her on the top of the head. "You know real estate is the safest investment," he then whispered into her ear, with more tongue this time. "I can protect you!"
Out in the darkening river, Ardua of the Potomac slithered away from Potomac Manors. She glided down to the 14th Street Bridge to listen to the beating heart of the Trump/Hitler baby growing in Barbara Hellmeister's womb.
*******************************************************
COMING UP: Once upon a time, a Republican
visited Congress....His name was James Comey.
"Again? What?" cried Gorsuch, looking around the room nervously. "What official reason would we have ever had to meet before?"
"It's a pleasure to see you," said Chief Justice John Roberts, ignoring his junior colleague and striding past him to extend a hand to Ivanka. "Just remember we can't discuss Court matters," he added, more quietly.
"Except with me!" interjected realtor Calico Johnson, bounding across the room. (He had used a mutual real estate connection to invite Ivanka to the meeting he was hosting at his Potomac Manors estate this evening.) "You can talk with me about anything, anytime, 24/7!" he said, taking her offered hand and kissing it in his best imitation of a Sir Lancelot moment. "I'm a great listener," he added, with a wink.
Over in the corner, two members from N.U.T.T.Y. (Nannies United to Take Y-chromosomes) both said "slut!" in unison, but nobody heard them except Federal Reserve Board economist Luciano Talaverdi.
"That's a bit rough, girls!" he said, tut-tutting and waving his finger at them. "She seems very loyal to Jared."
"A little too loyal, if you know what I mean," said one.
"I heard that Jared is having a torrid affair with their nanny, and Ivanka is having a revenge affair with Stephen Miller," said the other.
"The only torrid affair Jared is having is with his asset manager," scoffed Talaverdi, whose Roman mother was still denouncing Trump's audience with the Pope. "The only question being whether that Russian is kosher!" Talaverdi laughed at his own joke, but the nannies sipped their cocktails quietly, staring at him blankly. Marriage has killed my sex appeal, he thought.
"Let's get started!" barked Dick Cheney, who had gained fifteen pounds stress-eating since the Inauguration and relished the opportunity to get away from his wife's strict cooking and grab a plate full of chips and brownies. He sat in the chair furthest away from where Ivanka was standing because he couldn't even look at her without picturing Donald Trump discussing whether she was a hot piece of ass.
"Why don't you start, honey?" suggested Calico Johnson, easing Ivanka into a chair with a glass of wine.
"I just don't understand why so many people hate me!" she said, playing with her own hair (which she had spent thirty minutes preparing) and crossing her legs to display her violet suede stilettos (which were from her own fashion collection). "I work hard for our country. I'm successful at business. I wrote an uplifting book. I live in a hip neighborhood where the Obama's live. I'm a dutiful wife and mother. I'm respectful to my parents as the Talmud commands--."
"Talmud?!" exclaimed Bridezilla (a Prince and Prowling junior partner now regretting her decision to wear an Ivanka Trump dress she had purchased on deep discount at Nordstrom's).
"It's the--"
"It's the Fifth Commandment which tells us to honor our parents," said Bridezilla.
"Well, yes," replied Ivanka. "I was simply putting it in the context of the rich Jewish tradition which informs my family values."
"What does your rich Jewish tradition say about honoring a father who's--" began Judge Sowell Ame, but he was quickly cut off by Dick Cheney.
"Look, Ivanka, this is a meeting where people cut the crap. We all know you're not really Jewish and just converted to please your husband because you have terrible daddy issues and constantly crave the approval of alpha males."
"That's true!" exclaimed Ivanka, now perceiving who the alpha male of the group was tonight.
"Now, Dick," said the Chief Justice, "this is her first time here."
"She needs to open up at her own pace," said Calico Johnson, who had seized the opportunity to stand behind Ivanka and place his soothing hands on her neck.
"I'm a creative, sensitive soul!" cried Ivanka, relaxing into Johnson's fingertips. "When you follow your passion, the money just comes naturally! How can we help it if Russian bankers find our projects attractive investments?!"
"Personally," said Bridezilla, "I think you need better legal advice. I could help--"
"Oh, hogwash!" exclaimed John Boehner, former Speaker of the House. "She needs better political advice! Get out of Washington! Nobody cared about your Russian bankers when you were in New York!"
"But Daddy fired a U.S. Attorney in NYC for investigating that, didn't he?" interjected Judge Ame.
"Shouldn't we get out of here?" whispered Justice Gorsuch to Chief Justice Roberts, who ignored him and crammed more onion dip into his face.
"Daddy just wants to make America great again!" exclaimed Ivanka.
"Of course he does," whispered Calico Johnson into her ear with a split-second flick of his tongue.
"Can we talk about somebody else's problems now?" whined one of the nannies. "Mrs. Richardson was supposed to take a business trip to Japan, leaving me alone with Allen for a week, and suddenly she canceled the trip! And now Allen is working overtime at the State Department because every country in the world is yelling at Rex Tillerson! How is that fair to me?"
"It's definitely not fair," said Luciano Talaverdi, but the sarcasm went undetected because of his Italian accent.
"I'll tell you what's not fair," said John Boehner. "Young whipper-snapper Republicans telling me that I should have had an Obamacare replacement plan ready since I held a hundred votes to repeal it! Hey, do your own job! My job was handing you a reelection when you claimed you voted against Obamacare a hundred times!"
"You're an absolute legend," said Bridezilla. "I think my new boyfriend is a secret spy. I was wondering if that's become very common in Washington now?"
"They just pretend they're spies so you don't realize they're sneakin' around to cheat on you," sighed one of the nannies.
"No, he does it right in front of me," said Bridezilla.
"That doesn't make any sense," said Judge Ame. "You know what I'm sick of? All these protesters tying up my docket with their incompetent public defenders! None of 'em will plead guilty to rioting on Inauguration Day! They all say they were 'swept up' unfairly by the police! You know how long it takes to adjudicate when they're asserting Constitutional defenses? I ain't gonna let an appeals judge mock my Constitutional reasoning! Gotta think hard on these opinions all the time now. It's exhausting!"
"This is an exhausting time for me, as well," said a former member of the FISA court. "We were never supposed to have this much scrutiny on Capitol Hill! I keep getting called about past decisions to eavesdrop on Russians! And all those idiots who voted for the Patriot Act are suddenly worried about unmasking? Were they all sleeping through that Patriot Act vote?"
"I'm having nightmares about Comey's upcoming testimony!" exclaimed Ivanka, looking to alpha male Dick Cheney for approval. "People keep saying...oh, I can't even bear to say it out loud!"
"That Jared and Daddy are going to prison?" replied Cheney. "Daddy can pardon Jared, and Pence can pardon Daddy. The fossil fuel industry has your back!" he added. (He had actually made love to his wife three times the day Trump kicked the Paris climate change agreement to the curb.)
Ivanka burst into tears at the thought of Daddy and Jared going to prison, and failed to see how the fossil fuel industry could help the situation.
"Ivanushka!" exclaimed Calico Johnson, in an attempt at a Russian term of endearment. He squeezed her neck hard and kissed her on the top of the head. "You know real estate is the safest investment," he then whispered into her ear, with more tongue this time. "I can protect you!"
Out in the darkening river, Ardua of the Potomac slithered away from Potomac Manors. She glided down to the 14th Street Bridge to listen to the beating heart of the Trump/Hitler baby growing in Barbara Hellmeister's womb.
*******************************************************
COMING UP: Once upon a time, a Republican
visited Congress....His name was James Comey.
posted by washingtonwaterwoman | 9:52 PM
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