Washington Horror Blog

SEMI-FICTIONAL CHRONICLE of the EVIL THAT INFECTS WASHINGTON, D.C. To read Prologue and Character Guide, please see www.washingtonhorrorblog.com, updated 6/6//2017. Follow Washington Water Woman on Twitter @HorrorDC ....

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Raucous Caucus!

Congressman Paul Ryan's replacement chief of staff had successfully been turned into a zombie one month back, but the maggots in his brain were not born leaders, and so the Zombie Caucus was floundering indecisively.  For one thing, the zombies could not reach a consensus on how to repeal and replace Obamacare!  While many of them felt taking people off health insurance made them physically weaker and easier targets to be eaten, other zombies felt there were already enough soft (weak, obese, smoking, drinking, high) targets out there and that it was better to focus on economic goals--such as gutting financial and housing regulations in order to drive more people into homelessness.  There was also disagreement on the wisdom of driving through such legislation with only Republican votes at a time when the President was severely weakening the GOP brand, and yet there was still no agreement on centrist Senate efforts to draft a Plan B.

The Zombie Caucus was also divided on national security issues, with some feeling that North Korea rhetoric should be quieted since intercontinental ballistic missiles aimed at D.C. could certainly annihilate the Zombie Caucus, while others zombies felt that it was time to do a first strike even if it did mean that North Korea would retaliate by bombing South Korea and Japan.  "Who cares?" was the chorus resounding among many at this afternoon's meeting, since they could not eat brains that far away, and the Speaker's chief of staff was too feeble-maggot-brained to understand the full ramifications.  And yet other zombies pointed out how many Tomahawk missiles had already been wasted on an impotent strike at a Syrian airfield, and how difficult it would be to keep constituents happy if budget cuts now had to be made to food stamps and veterans' programs.  After all, they did need enough people to stay alive in order to vote in 2018!

But mostly the Zombie Caucus was falling apart over how to deal with Trump's outrageous week of actions and statements concerning the FBI.  The more hawkish members of Congress were squawking about James Clapper's direct assertions that firing Comey was a win for Vladimir Putin.  The lawyer zombies, for their part, could not deny that Trump had admitted on national television he had fired Comey out of a desire to force the end of the Russian-interference FBI investigation of his Presidential campaign; on top of that, Trump had used Twitter to intimidate Comey as a witness!  Even maggot-replaced zombie brains who had once practiced law could see this was the textbook definition of obstruction of justice!

And yet Paul Ryan's zombie chief of staff insisted nothing could be done about it.

"Even Chaffetz is manning up now!" cried one member of Congress.  "Subpoenas are flying!  Treasury has to turn over financial information about Trump.  It's hard to grab a Senate intern for a quick snack when there are reporters crawling all over Capitol Hill day and night trying to get a scoop!"

"Exactly!" exclaimed a Congressional staffer from Florida.  "I had cornered a tourist to eat in a restroom on Thursday, and suddenly a reporter followed Congressman Smith in there, hounding her for comments on the McCabe testimony!"

"It's time to turn the Speaker of the House into a zombie!" cried a Congressman from Oklahoma.  "Things can't continue as they are!"

"I already turned him weeks ago!" sobbed Paul Ryan's chief of staff, shocking the entire Zombie Caucus.  "The Speaker of the House has been seduced by the Russia Caucus!  I can't even persuade him to come to our meeting!"

"There's a Russia Caucus?" asked several zombies at once.

"Oh, wake up and smell the vodka already!" he replied.

"Vodka is odorless," somebody commented, and then the discussion digressed significantly, until somebody called for zombifying the entire Russia Caucus.

"If we can catch them," he replied.  "They're a wily bunch of weasels."

Meanwhile, Congressman Herrmark had finished his Anti-Zombie Caucus morning meeting (only two confirmed kills this week) and was having afternoon tea with the Holier Than Thou Caucus--which had grown considerably since Trump's election.

"I just feel so bad for that poor Mrs. DeVos," said a Congresswoman from Georgia.  "Booed by those colored people at that disgraceful college!"

"Colored people?" said Congressman Herrmark.  "When did we start saying that again?"

"When they started tearing down our War of Northern Aggression hero statues!" cried a Virginia Congressman, who had rallied the previous evening at the torch-lit rally organized by white supremacist Richard Spencer in Charlottesville.  "White Christians need to defend ourselves!"

"What do those statues have to do with being a Christian?" asked the northern-born Herrmark, who felt the bar constantly rising for successfully networking in this increasingly fanatical and paranoid caucus.

"Son," replied the Virginian, "you've got a lot to learn."

"Aren't you more worried about Virginians' losing health care or Meal on Wheels?" asked Congressman Herrmark.  "Jesus liked healing people and feeding them."

"Those are things for charity, not government," replied the Georgia woman, with a huff.  "Now that the President is giving back free speech to churches, things will start returning to the way the Founding Fathers intended."

"They intended only male landowners to run the government," said Congressman Herrmark with a big smile on his face, but she did not find the comment funny.

Meanwhile, the Russia Caucus was, in fact, holding a nicely catered Mother's Day event for its members and their families, who had been bused out to Trump National Golf Club for the affair.  Though there was no guarantee that the currently golfing President (who seemed to be blowing off Melania!) would stop by their rented room, spirits were high after the Tuesday firing of James Comey and the Russian victory dance in the Oval Office itself on Wednesday.  Diamond necklaces and endless mimosas for the mothers present, puppies and cherry/chocolate blintzes for the children, and discreet envelopes of cash and Rosneft certficate shares for the men had everybody in a fine mood.  Ambassador Kislyak was laughing in the corner with Texas Congressman Zeke "Slick" Hicks about how Trump just needed a new, younger, Slavic mistress to keep him away from the 3 a.m. Tweets, and how this would be easier now that they had fired some White House domestic staffers.  "But you know, Ambassador, we're still not out of the woods yet," Slick said in a more serious tone.

"Are you kidding?" smiled Kislyak.  "He is getting away with everything!  And now we have Paul Ryan!"

Out in her hidden nest on the 14th Street Bridge, Barbara Hellmeister celebrated Mother's Day alone with the Donald Trump (Hitler-DNA-infused) clone growing in her embryo, basking in the unseen energy of Ardua of the Potomac.

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COMING UP:        A Beast is Born!

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