Washington Horror Blog

SEMI-FICTIONAL CHRONICLE of the EVIL THAT INFECTS WASHINGTON, D.C. To read Prologue and Character Guide, please see www.washingtonhorrorblog.com, updated 6/6//2017. Follow Washington Water Woman on Twitter @HorrorDC ....

Sunday, June 11, 2017

In bed with rattlesnakes!

"What the Hell are we going to do now?!" asked Texas Congressman Zeke "Slick" Hicks, leader of the Russia Caucus.

"What are you looking at me for?" groused Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House.  (He had skipped the Zombie Caucus meeting to attend this one.)

"I'm getting pressure from Exxon and, ahem, ahem, you know who, to get things under control in this town!"

"Everything's fine," said Ryan, who had cornered a reporter in a men's room earlier in the day and eaten his brains.

"Fine?!" exclaimed a Senator from Alaska.  "Reality Winner leaked a new NSA document showing that Russia made a hacking attempt on voting machines last fall!  Then James Comey talked up the FBI's Russia investigation on live television and said Trump fired him over it!"

"Robert Mueller is hiring prosecutors with experience going up against Watergate, Enron, and the mafia!" cried a Representative from Pennsylvania.  "The mafia!"

"A Congressional intern added "Donald Trump to Wikipedia's "obstruction of justice" page!" moaned disgraced Congressman Devin Nunes.  "And it was my intern!"

"But we voted to kill Dodd-Frank this week!" replied Ryan.  "Isn't that great?!"

"The Russians don't care about that!" retorted Slick.  "They want their sanctions removed!"  (Ryan shrugged and scratched at the rotting flesh under his polo shirt.)  "And Exxon wants--"

"Yeah, yeah," said Ryan, "but we're kicking ass!"

"Mr. Speaker," said Slick, "with all due respect, how much do you know about the Russians?"

"That's what I'm here for!" smiled Ryan, whose already reptilian brain had been reduced to mainly brain stem as a zombie.

"Trump will have Secret Service protection the rest of his life, said Slick, "and his boys are raking in the quid pro quo money from Romania, the Philippines, Saudi Arabia--"

"The Saudis spent $270,000 at Trump International Hotel, and now they get to run our Middle East policy!" exclaimed a Representative from North Dakota.  "Quid pro quo!  I've got local boys at our military base in Qatar, and Trump's clapping for the crazy Arabs blockading that country now!"

"Yeah, yeah," said Slick, impatient with the interruption, "but the point is that Trump has protection and he's getting richer every day."

"But we're making good money, too, right?" asked Ryan.  (He had already spent his $3,000 Exxon gift card, seen a new Chrysler delivered to his wife, and purchased a tenth of Janesville through a secret trust financed by VEB.)

Slick looked intently at the Speaker of the House.  "The Russians are not getting richer at all.  And we do not have Secret Service protection the rest of our lives!  The Russians didn't do all that for Trump because they enjoy getting ostracized at the United Nations and criticized on Capitol Hill!  Our member from Tennessee already quit the caucus because somebody brought vodka jelly shots to his Memorial Day barbecue and she thought it was a death threat from Vladimir Putin!  And I'm not sure it wasn't!"

As a zombie with Ayn Rand wet dreams, Paul Ryan could not be moved by a fear of Russian assassination.  "The Senate is getting close to a reconciliation bill on repealing Obamacare!" he protested.  "And Eric Trump said Democrats are not even people!  They're no longer even pretending that Donald Trump wants to be President of all Americans!  I'm having the time of my life!"

Slick sighed, knowing tonight he would have his recurrent nightmare about waking up with rattlesnakes in his bed and Sergey Kislyak pointing a gun at him so that he couldn't get out.

Meanwhile, across town, Attorney General Jeff Sessions was getting back in his car after his evening "constitutional" at dusk in Meridian Hill Park--where his interlocutor had passed along Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak's instructions for what to say behind closed doors with the Senate Intelligence Committee this week...or else.

COMING UP:     DOJ argues that
Emoluments Clause is made of cheese!


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