The diary of White House security guard Randy "Bubba" Blaylock.

Dear Diary,

What a week!  And that's saying a lot when you work in the White House!  Guarding Sebastian Gorka was definitely more boring than guarding Steve Bannon, and then when he was gone and I got transferred to Stephen Miller , I really thought it would just get duller and duller.  Southern Californian Nazi who attended Duke University?  Sounds like a loser who never had a girlfriend in his life and secretly watches gay porn.

But then something weird happened this week!

So it started with President Sinking Ship (I'm sorry, I was rooting for the guy, but HELL!) getting back from his do-over in Texas, then deciding to fly to North Dakota to beg for tax cuts for millionaires.  First of all, NOBODY goes to North Dakota if they don't have to!  Second of all, how many millionaire campaign donors live in that God-forsaken state?  WHAT is the point?  All they do is grow wheat and drill oil, and they can't even do the last one right because the tribes and enviros are getting on their backs!  Third, I'm not that great at math, but I'm pretty sure you can't do tax cuts when you gotta provide billions of dollars to FEMA to clean up two hurricanes!

Anyway, since Ivanka thinks people in DC are super mean, she says, "Daddy, can I fly with you to North Dakota?"  Yeah, she's got kids of her own but still calls him DADDY!  She leaves her own kids BEHIND to fly with DADDY!  Not because she's a special adviser but because she likes standing on a stage and having people clap for her, just like the old man.  And her own kids are asking Jared, "Daddy, why is mommy gone again?"  And he's like, "she needs to help your grandfather sell tax cuts for millionaires."  PSYCH!  No, he's like, "shut up and practice your Mandarin nursery rhymes, we have some more bribes to do with the Chinese ambassador's buddies."

But I'm excited, right?!  Because Trump's flying off with his daughter-wife, neglecting Melania again, and it's gotta be my big chance, right?  Stephen Miller is on a conference call with Steve Bannon about what Bannon is gonna tell Charlie Rose ("Own it, man!  You ARE a street fighter!"), so I mosey over to the East Wing to see what Mrs. Voluptuous is doing while Barron's at school, and that shit fashion designer is there again, Gunther Zimmer!  Man, I checked high and low when I found that Navy Seal parachute thread in his sewing kit in July, but I could never figure out what his deal is!  So the Secret Service are kind of hanging back in the upstairs hallway, like they're a little embarrassed, and I see that Melania's got the master bedroom door open, and she's modeling a gown for Zimmer, and as SOON as Zimmer sees me, he invites me to come in and shut the door behind me!

Then they both start giggling, and he tells her, "See, I told you he would come by!"

"Did you know zere are ghosts in zee White House, Bubba?" she asks me, and they both giggle again!

I'm like, "Hell, I thought I was the only one hearing them!  There's one that's always scolding Miller, and he's always yelling back, 'I can be a Nazi if I want to!  It's a free country!'  I mean, I understand where the Confederates are coming from, but being a Nazi is too much!  Even Bannon wasn't a Nazi!  I'm not sure about Sebastian, but he was always talking in some foreign language on the phone."

Well, Zimmer was nodding, but Melania looked confused, so I changed the subject, telling her what a pretty dress she had on.  And she's like, "Vell, I'm ready to take it off!"  And they both start giggling again.

And then Zimmer tells me, "I TOLD her you would be into it!"  And just like that, she's taking off her dress and coming onto me!  Honestly, I don't think I can write much more about this because I heard there's a thing called Freedom of Information Act requests, and my diary might be shown to a reporter someday, but let's just say, the three of us had a fun couple of hours before Barron came home from school that day!  

Well, that night after I drop Miller off at his sissy metro-sexual CONDO and head home to Virginia, I find spooks waiting for me at the house!  At first I think, SHIT, the Secret Service ratted me out to Trump!  But, no, it's the freakin' CIA!  They say they've got a tape of me in the Presidential bedroom with Melania, and I need to cooperate!  At first I was pretty pissed off to think Melania was a CIA agent, but they explained NO, she was REALLY into me, and it was Zimmer that set up the hidden camera, so I felt better.  They also explained that she's an illegal alien, so it's OK for them to spy on her.  But I asked, "she's not so bad, is she?"  And they said no, but she might have dirt on Trump and the Russia thing, and I said, "well, that's just a lie from CNN!"  But they said, no, it isn't, and they showed me some proof but said they needed more, and they appealed to me to be a patriot because they were worried about what Trump was gonna let Russia do to the good ole USA!  And then I thought about my daughter and how proud she would be if I told her I helped the CIA fight the Russkies, so I said OK!  I'll do it!  I mean, I didn't have much choice anyway!  I don't really care if some sex tape of me gets out on the Internet, but Trump seems like the kinda guy that would beat a wife black and blue for that, you know?  So all around it seemed like the right thing to do.

I am a little bummed the CIA confiscated my Rolex!  Said Zimmer had recognized it as stolen property, but I only stole it from that monster that had my daughter locked up in his basement!  And how does the CIA know about that, anyway?  I will say that skin rash has finally cleared up, though, and I stopped having those nightmares where the Rolex was TALKIN' to me and tellin' me to KILL people.

So now I'm in cahoots with Gunther Zimmer!  No wonder he turned her on!  I thought he was just a gay fashion dude, but he's got those CIA skills to seduce and be a super spy!  I could learn a bunch from him.  

And sure enough, the CIA was right!  Friday the goddam RUSSIAN ambassador is suddenly at the White House!  They never told the press or set up a fancy press conference or anything!  SECRET SPY SHIT!  Well, Miller doesn't know shit because he just deals with immigration, stuff like that, but Melania tells me all about the Russian ambassador before she heads off to Camp David.  Shit gettin' real!  And then I report it to the CIA!  Me, Bubba Blaylock of Winchester, Virginia!

Whoops, Secret Service bringing them back, I need to sign off and drive Miller home to City Center so he can get in his Sunday night spin class, whatever the hell that is.  Tomorrow's a new week!

Outside, several of the Shackled floated above the White House, watching Trump's dwindling inner circle of loyal advisers trickle out of the black SUVs, shell-shocked from his praise of the U.S. Coast Guard's "branding" and the need to speed up tax cuts for millionaires in response to Hurricane Irma.  Was there any way to steal the man's soul back from Satan?

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COMING UP:       Barbara Hellmeister commemorates the
death anniversary of her first (demonically deformed) child.