Washington Horror Blog

SEMI-FICTIONAL CHRONICLE of the EVIL THAT INFECTS WASHINGTON, D.C. To read Prologue and Character Guide, please see www.washingtonhorrorblog.com, updated 6/6//2017. Follow Washington Water Woman on Twitter @HorrorDC ....

Saturday, October 24, 2015

GOP brawls and other sources of bloodshed in Congress!

The Gopper Ghost, Ghost Anatoly (the Samoyed), and other members of the ghost dog pack of D.C. were pacing anxiously around the living room of Congressman Herrmark, who was hosting a pre-Halloween party for the Bi-Cameral Anti-Zombie Caucus.

"I've decided to withdraw my run for Speaker of the House," announced Herrmark, to a round of dismayed groans and (unheard-by-humans) howling.  "It's no use!  The Zombie Caucus has clearly thrown its weight behind Paul Ryan now.  And he's got that whole Boy Scout crap thing going for him, so nobody will believe the Zombies are behind him!"

"That's all the more reason for you to stay in the race!" said Senator Rand Paul.  "We can't just roll over and play dead!"  ("Rand!")  "Sorry, poor choice of words."

"We have no evidence that Paul Ryan is a zombie, himself," said Ann Bishis, Congressman Herrmark's Chief of Staff.  "But we're not sure about his Chief of Staff or his wife."  ("Ryan's wife, or the Chief's wife?") ("He is from Wisconsin and plays Euchre--he's too nice to be a Zombie!")  ("Well, that's no proof of anything!")  

"Ann is monitoring Ryan and all his associates very carefully," said Herrmark.  "And we may have to cede the Zombies this victory, but the war is far from over!  Actually, we have good news to report in that regard.  Our scientist, Betty Brandt, is ready to set off her first biomarker anti-zombie neutron bomb at the Capitol!  This will be a very small-radius test run, but I'm very excited about it!"

Meanwhile, Congressman John Boehner was in the Speaker's office packing up some personal things.  "You want this Cincinnati Bengals Super Bowl ring?" he said to his bodyguard, Solomon Kane.  "It's a fake, but some of my staffers have enjoyed wearing it to bars.  I was going to give it to the Chief, but he's constantly wearing gloves lately--says he has a skin condition."

"Sure, thanks, boss!"

"Oh, here's my first screenplay for a TV pilot that combines 'Game of Thrones', 'House of Cards', and 'Charlie's Angels'!  I wrote it during those budget negotiations--otherwise I would have fallen asleep.  All those tedious, fake arguments that nobody takes seriously about keeping open military bases that the Army doesn't even want."

"Charlie's Game of Cards?" asked Kane, picking it up.

"You can keep that," said Boehner.  "I've written a better screenplay now:  "Lola."

"What's that about?"

"A heroic Congressman from Ohio rescues a beautiful Cuban girl from Raul Castro's harem, and together they work secretly to re-open the island to capitalism."  ("Hmm.")  "It's got lots of rum, gambling, old-time cars, halter-top dresses--but tasteful and conservative, not decadent.  Sometimes they go to church."

"Sure," nodded Kane.  "I'd watch it!"

"The hero keeps a secret gift from Pope Francis in his pocket at all times.  It gets stolen in the pilot episode, but he tracks the thief all the way to Cuba."

"I think this Charlie thing might be good, too, boss."

"I might re-do that one as a reality show someday.  I just feel like something's missing," sighed Boehner.

"Women don't wear halter-top dresses in the Capitol!" joked Kane, but Boehner did not think that was funny, and gave himself a bad paper cut by shoving papers too forcibly into a file folder.

"Shit on a spatula!" exclaimed the Speaker of the House.

Kane, feeling remiss in his bodyguard duties, grabbed the bleeding finger and put it into his own mouth to suck.  Boehner was close enough to smell Kane's shampoo and stare deeply into his eyes, so he surrendered meekly to his man-crush, wondering what he could possibly do after he left Congress that would justify keeping this bodyguard around.

Outside the Capitol, Boehner's Chief of Staff was driving down Constitution Avenue, heading into the office.  Conspiracy blogger and militiaman Glenn Michael Beckmann had identified Boehner's Chief as the organizer of a secret Cuba Caucus in Congress, and so this Chief had to die!  Beckmann had been tracking the man's car on D.C. Police public camera surveillance for ten minutes (with a little help from a militiaman inside the police force), and was perfectly poised to discreetly roll a hand grenade under the man's car just before he headed to the parking garage.  Beckmann pretended to panic like everybody else nearby when the car exploded and flipped over, and so he was running away and did not see the pile of maggots crawl out of the Chief's skull as it crashed to the pavement.  Only later would he realize he had killed his second Congressional zombie chief of staff!

Meanwhile, Barbara Hellmeister (current alias "Betty Brandt") was touring the Capitol Visitor Center.  While it was true that she had brought a small neutron bomb to test out today, she had lied to Ann Bishis about having a successful zombie bio-marker.  Her plan was to set it off here--where it at least had a chance to take out a few random FBI agents (she hoped!), and tell the Caucus that the bomb only killed zombies.  The only bio-marker she had placed in it was blood type B-negative, which her Nazi grandfather had written in his notebook was the most genetically inferior blood type.  And so her little bomb, code-named Hurricane Patricia and packed carefully into a TicTac box, was deposited in a trash can just moments after the nearby car explosion, which triggered the Secret Service to order a Capitol lockdown just as Hellmeister would have been exiting the building before "Hurricane Patricia" exploded.  She watched the doorkeepers, hoping they would collapse dead at any moment, but their blood types were of a heartier fare.  She was trapped in here!  She looked around and caught herself in a moment of mild triumph at the elegant elimination of half a dozen inferior human beings (chemically decomposing and melting to the ground), then realized again she had no idea how to escape.

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COMING UP:  Saints and Sinners Weekend!

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