Nuke 'em!

It was the first meeting of the Anti-Zombie Caucus since Congress had reconvened after the August recess.

"This is going to be a busy term," said the Chairman, Congressman Herrmark.  "We've got the Iran problem, the Planned Parenthood problem, the government shutdown; I think it's time we start taking a more strategic approach to the zombie problem."  He gestured to Ann Bishis, his Chief of Staff, to start the PowerPoint presentation.  "We have identified a scientist who believes she can develop a type of neutron bomb that only kills zombies."  ("What?!")  "It's still in the testing stage, but if we get additional funding for her, it might work.  Identifying and decapitating zombies one at a time is time-consuming and unpleasant."

"Actually, I like it!" said a member from Iowa.  "It's a lot more fun than my work on the High-Fructose Corn Syrup Caucus or the Ways and Means Committee."

"Well, we've all known the thrill of beheading the undead, but the clean-up is a bitch, and who has the time?  I'm asking everybody here to make a financial commitment to this research so that we have a real chance of nuking them and getting all the maggot-brained out of our chambers and offices for good!"

On the other side of town, the Heurich Society was also discussing a nuclear option.

"Look," said the former CIA agent, "neither President Obama nor the European Union can do a damned thing to fix Syria and Iraq.  I say it's time to nuke 'em!  Take care of ISIS once and for all."

"Are you completely out of your mind?!" shouted the secret society's chair, Henrietta Samuelson.  "You want to save refugees by killing them all?"

"Some are refugees, some are terrorists--and they're all flooding into Europe now.  We can't afford the risk!  Drop some tactical nukes:  bada bing, bada boom, regime change, regime change, game re-set."

"This isn't a game!" exclaimed Samuelson.

"Now hold on," crackled Condoleezza Rice over the speaker phone.  "Who were you thinking of pinning the blame on?  Because we can't let Israel take the blame, and Iran doesn't have any bombs yet."

"Can't we just sign it, 'concerned world citizens'?"

"No!" exclaimed Samuelson.

"If your father were here, he would be voting in favor," said the investment banker.  "And now's the perfect time because we'd be killing some Russians, too!"

The ghost of Henry Samuelson was there, and he thought it was the best idea he had heard from the Heurich Society in years.

Nukes were also on the agenda across the Potomac, where former Senator Evermore Breadman had finally used his knowledge of Bridezilla's affair with Paul (the contract attorney!) to leverage her into doing something she did not want to do:  lobby Congressmen about lifting sanctions against Iran.  But so far, the Prince and Prowling junior partner had been silently picking at her Army-Navy Country Club chicken salad, leaving the senior partner on his own.

"I say we should nuke 'em!" shouted one exuberant Representative from Texas.

"Do you understand how many Iranian immigrants you have in your District, Congressman?" asked Breadman.

"Well, they left the damned country, didn't they?"

"We can't let a Muslim country get the bomb!" exclaimed a Representative from Georgia.

"Pakistan already has the bomb, Congressman. They use it as a deterrent against China, India, and Russia--not us."

"Says you!"

"This treaty puts tight controls on Iran's nuclear program.  If you lift the economic sanctions, business ties with the regime will grow.  Iranians are more pro-Western than you realize.  This deal will help moderate their politics and--"

"What about Israel?  They'll bomb Israel!" exclaimed a Representative from Arizona.

"This deal is reducing that threat," said Breadman.

"That's not what Israel says!"

"Israel wants to be the only Middle Eastern country with the bomb," said Breadman.  "They don't trust anybody!"

"Well, neither do I!"

"That's why we have treaties and inspections, sir," said Breadman.  "China has the bomb, but they are a major trading partner with the United States.  When commercial interests are flourishing, politicians get a lot friendlier.  My partner here has been working with investors in the United States lining up to enter Cuba after the lifting of sanctions, and she will tell you they are so eager they are putting money into pro-Cuban trade PACs."

"PACs?" asked the Representative from Texas.

"Yes, PACs!  And Prince and Prowling is about to set up some new pro-Iranian trade PACs.  The money and enthusiasm are there, gentlemen.  My partner can tell you how much money we have already deposited for Cuban trade lobbying, and which business leaders she has already taken down there.  We even have pictures!" Breadman added, giving Bridezilla the Look.

Back in Washington, triple agent Charles Wu was back from his English vacation and discussing the Iranian nuclear deal with State Department employee "C. Coe Phant" over pizza and beer in Foggy Bottom.  "China supports the treaty," repeated Wu.

"We can't have China secretly selling--"

"I don't think that's going to happen," said Wu.

"You don't think?"

"Well, I can't predict all future decisions," said Wu.  "But it makes no sense for China to enable anybody's nuclear program in the Middle East."

"What if they want to counter Russian influence?"

"They would find another way."

C. Coe Phant shook his head nervously.  "China could survive nuclear retaliation better than anybody else in Asia."

"Why, because you think they have millions of lives to spare?  The government would collapse.  The Chinese rulers want stability."

"Can you take a message to them?"

"Of course," said Wu.  "That's what I'm here for!"

A half-hour later, Wu was down at the edge of the river wondering if the right kind of bomb could kill Ardua of the Potomac.  He didn't mind his daughter growing up in a world full of nuclear weapons because that all seemed manageable, but demons and ghosts were another thing.

********************************************************
COMING UP:  Pope Frantastic turns Washington upside-down!