Washington Horror Blog

SEMI-FICTIONAL CHRONICLE of the EVIL THAT INFECTS WASHINGTON, D.C. To read Prologue and Character Guide, please see www.washingtonhorrorblog.com, updated 6/6//2017. Follow Washington Water Woman on Twitter @HorrorDC ....

Sunday, August 09, 2015

That Capitol Hill Vibe

"I'm a very busy man," said Charles Wu, who was swimming around Roosevelt Island.  "China's losing badly in Russia's military games, Britain thinks I'm holding back intelligence on Syria, Hong Kong's hotter than Hell but my mother won't leave, Evermore Breadman wants me to bribe his corporate client out of trouble in Brazil when bribery is exactly what got them into trouble in the first place.  And on top of all that, I've got my own SuperPAC now, and I need to pick one of these clowns to start driving the other morons out of the race."  (That last comment was about the field of Republican Presidential candidates.)  "I was thinking if Trump were actually elected, it might finally bring Congress together so they always have enough votes to override his vetoes, don't you think?"

Ghost Dennis was at his wit's ends.  "Why won't you tell my daughters about Demetri?"

"They're not going to believe me!  I told you, I'll have my agent take care of Ghost Demetri when she gets back from vacation."

"That might be too late!  I haven't been at the White House all week because I'm running interference with Demetri day and night at my daughters' house!  He's gotten addicted to chi and starts sucking it out of anybody that falls asleep.  Then when I clobber him, he picks up one of those feline ghosts-from-Hell and throws it at me, and it sprays ghost pee on me, which (I can assure you) smells ten times worse than the real thing!  Then I toss the feline ghost across the room, and it knocks a lamp off a table or something like that, and the triplets are starting to think that their house is haunted!"

"It is haunted!" grunted Wu.  "You wanted them to know, and now they know, so what do you need me for?"

"But they don't understand about the chi-sucking," said Ghost Dennis.  "They think it's a poltergeist, and they're curious, which is a really bad idea.  They're starting to hold more séances!"

"I thought you met them because of a séance?"

"Well, yeah, but they just conjured up some horrible segregationist from 1952 and a wife-beater from 1985.  You know, not all ghosts are as nice as me!  There have been some real assholes living in that house.  And Demetri's just losing it!  He tried to choke the segregationist to death, even though the guy's already dead.  Please talk to my girls!  All they want to do is spread a little love and reiki in the world!"

"Fine, fine!" grunted Charles Wu.  "Let me finish my swim in peace!"

Meanwhile, over near the Capitol Hill home of the Reiki Triplets, the phantom activity had already attracted attention from other parties.  First, there was Sebastian L'Arche, who, after detecting the problem, was trying to talk the practitioners into letting him bring Petro Pig in during his session.  They said it was utterly impossible because of the live butterflies they use during all their therapy sessions, and he was willing to forgo the butterflies, but they insisted if they started making exceptions, there would be no end to the parade of animals showing up at their door.  L'Arche left Petro Pig in the waiting area with instructions to chase down any ghosts that came near, but he was not very optimistic that Petro Pig would get the chance to bolt the waiting area.

Secondly, there was Congressman Jacques Javert, who had been wearing a cursed Rolex for over a year now.  Lately, he had found himself taking a very circuitous route back and forth to work so that he could walk past the recently renovated federal style rowhouse with the zen water fountain full of water lilies in the front yard, just in front of the Japanese maples and rhododendron.  He would stop to smell the rosebushes bordering the sidewalk, close his eyes, and then feel himself trembling all over as Ghost Demetri tried to suck the demonic energy out of the Rolex.  Then the Rolex would fight back with a power surge that knocked Ghost Demetri on his spectral backside.  Then Congressman Javert would puff up with testosterone and amphetamines and practically sprint to his office to start barking orders at interns and legislative assistants about needing more road money in Louisiana (or some such thing).  Now it was Sunday, and he could not even articulate why on Earth he was taking this long walk on a hot day, but he paused again at the house of the Reiki Triplets, and felt the Rolex grow cold against his skin.

Thirdly, there was Washington Post "Metro" reporter Perry Winkle, following up on a series of incongruous tips about the Reiki Triplets:  (a) they were popular because they were giving out marijuana in every session, (b) they used so much incense to try to cover up the smell of pee from the hundred cats they were hoarding in the house, (c) their children ran wild, causing odd noises throughout the sessions, and (d) crack heads and meth heads were being dragged to the sessions as an effective method of bringing them back down to Earth.  His research had shown a surge in early popularity, followed by some decidedly odd postings on Yelp.  Winkle arrived with a lot of questions, but it turned out the first question he asked was while he was still outside the house:  "Congressman Javert, are you alright?"

Javert was sitting in the water fountain, closing his eyes, fondling water lilies with his left hand, and holding his right arm up in what resembled the Nazi salute of an epileptic.  "I'll show them what it means to have blood coming out of their eyes!" he shouted.  "Louisiana will rule this nation!"

"Are you talking about Governor Bobby Jindal?"

Javert burst into maniacal laughter, his eyes still closed.  Just then, Petro Pig managed to open the door and rush out into the front yard, where he knew that Ghost Demetri had abandoned sucking L'Arche's chi in favor of making another run at the cursed Rolex.  Petro Pig started grunting furiously at Ghost Demetri, and then at the other ghosts who had started fighting him to get at that wicked energy.

Then the staff members from Javert's office who were part of the Anti-Zombie Caucus (who had been following their boss for twenty minutes) jumped out of the bushes with their axes ready to behead a zombie, scaring L'Arche to death until he was able to convince them he was not a zombie and they started debating whether Javert was.

Then Charles Wu arrived with Lynnette Wong in tow to sprinkle ghost-repelling herbs.  He had never told her before that he occasionally saw ghosts, and he hadn't told her this time, but she figured it out from the herbs he requested at their Chinatown shop.  "This looks much worse than you told me."

Wu was still processing what she had told him during the car ride about a huge demon in the Potomac River which had killed her father, when they got out and found the commotion.  "Wow!" cried Wu, who rubbed his eyes to make sure he was seeing correctly.  "Ghost Demetri is fighting with some other ghosts, but something weird is happening:  it's like they're all getting fused together, there's a red glow covering them, and their bodies are getting fused together.  Demetri's in the middle, and his arms are just gone.  They're like Siamese triplets now."

Then Angela de la Paz jumped out of a taxi, ran past the throng, telekinetically removed the Rolex from Javert's wrist and hurled it up on the roof, pulled Javert out of the pond, shoved the Siamese triplet ghosts into the pond, poured holy water into the pond, and stopped to take a breath.  She turned around to survey the scene, trying to figure out who could see the ghosts and who couldn't.

"You stole my Rolex!" cried Javert, oblivious to the water dripping off his body or the water lilies stuck to his shorts.

"There was no Rolex," said Angela, looking him fiercely in the eye.  "You were sleepwalking."

Javert blinked, accepted that explanation, and turned around to go home--only to find some of his staffers holding axes.  "You had brought these axes," one of them quickly lied.  "You were having a dream about chopping out Congressional corruption at the root!"  This was not remotely plausible to him, but Javert was tired and decided it was time to go home.

Perry Winkle followed Javert to get the story on the sleepwalking, resolving to follow up on the Reiki Triplets later.

Petro Pig, seeing he was no longer needed, calmly went back to the waiting area to chew his bone until L'Arche finished his session (which was one of the best the Reiki Triplets had done in weeks).

Angela turned back to the Siamese Triplet Ghosts.  "That was really stupid."  Their heads turned to look at each other, but none of them spoke.  "I can't even send you to Purgatory like this!  You're going to have to find your individual identities again, first."  They awkwardly floated out of the pond back into the house and went up to the attic to argue about their next move.

"Thank you!" cried Ghost Dennis, weeping phantom tears of joy.  "My daughters are safe now!  I can get back to the White House to work on the energy plan!"

"Sure!" smiled Angela, shaking her head.

Then it was just Angela, Lynnette, and Charles Wu.

"Anybody hungry?" asked Wu.

"Is that all you can say?" exclaimed Lynnette.

"Welcome back from vacation, Angela!" Wu said.  "I was actually trying to handle that myself.  Lynnette was helping."

"I told him about Ardua," said Lynnette.

Angela took a deep breath.  "We better get something to eat."

The legend of Ex Calibur...as told by Glenn Michael Beckmann.


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