Christmas Dreams (a shrink's journal)

(from the journal of psychiatrist Ermann Esse)

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Christmas Dreams 2011
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(1) Imploding Campaigns (from a Mitt Romney campaign advisor)--

I dreamt that Newt Gingrich leaves his current wife for a Fox News reporter named "Fluffalicious". Then Rick Perry is caught in a hunting lodge cleaning rifles with Sarah Palin--might have been a sex scandal, but Perry accidentally shoots his right foot off. Palin does a drive-by to drop him off at a hospital emergency room, but somebody videotapes her with a camera phone. Then Michelle Bachmann and her husband are caught on tape having sex in front of a gay man to try to convert him. Then a Ron Paul video surfaces showing him teaching his son Rand at age ten how to recite the Bill of Rights while smoking a bong. Then unemployment rises to 40%. Best dream I ever had!

(2) The Wedding (from Bridezilla)--

The testosterone and human growth hormone is finally out of my system; all the facial hair is gone; I've never gone to law school; I'm twenty-two years old again and engaged to Blake Bloodsworth Blevins, III, of Hampton Roads, Virginia; we've won a contest to have our wedding paid for by Donald Trump; the wedding day comes, and it's absolutely perfect, and I'm the most beautiful bride in history, and Blake is the handsomest groom in history; then we have the most amazing honeymoon in history; then we can't remember where we're supposed to go after the honeymoon, so we just sit in the parking lot at Dulles Airport watching the snow come down, suntanned and confused because we have no idea what comes next. When I wake up, I'm still happy, but sort of dazed. Then I remember I'm a partner at Prince and Prowling, I've been engaged three times, I'm still single, and I hate everything about my life. Then I take a pill to go back to sleep.

(3) Zombie Democracy (from Speaker of the House, John Boehner)--

I walk into the Virginia Congressman's office, and he has salted Virginia peanuts on the credenza, so I open a packet, but termites crawl out! Then I walk into the Iowa Congressman's office, and he has a hot popcorn machine, so I try to scoop out a bag of it, but the machine starts shooting out sparks, then it catches on fire! Then I visit the Oregon Congresswoman's office, and she has dried berry packets out on the table, so I open a packet of those, but maggots fall out! So I can't take it anymore, and I run back to my own office. The smell of the Christmas tree greets me, and I start feeling better. I look at the photographs on the wall and the award plaques that chronicle my amazing career. I look at the coffee table book about Ohio. I look at the guest book to see who has signed in today. I retreat to my private chamber to take a nap. When I wake up, the heat is off, and I feel cold. I go out to see what is going on, but all my staffers are missing! The Christmas tree ornaments are all gone, and hundred-dollar bills are pinned all over the tree! The coffee table book about Ohio is gone, and the coffee table is covered with glossy reports on the fifty largest corporations in America. The photos on the wall are all photos of campaign contribution checks, and the award plaques are all about the most skillful uses of untraceable SuperPAC money to purchase campaign attack ads. I start feeling sick because the air is smoggy from the coal burning in the fireplace where my sofa used to be, and I see a neon sign flashing on the ceiling celebrating the 10-year anniversary of the abolition of EPA and OSHA. I stagger out into the hallway to see if the air is any better, and I am happy to see that my staffers are finally returning from lunch with the lobbyists. But something is wrong, and they look like a mess, with ketchup all over their faces. Then I realize it's BLOOD, and they're all ZOMBIES! They chase me down the hall and finally tackle me to the ground, and just before they start eating me, I hear Jack Abramoff's voice calling out, "I'm glad we can count on your support, John!" Then Condoleezza Rice shows up and tells me that, if I want, she can turn me into a vampire, and then the zombies won't eat me. I'm just about to say "yes" when my youngest staffer sinks her teeth into my right hand, and I wake up screaming.

(4) A Trillion Dollars Later (from "Didymus", the ghost of former Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara)--

I see a hideous monster or demon rise up from the Potomac River; its name is Ardua; for a brief moment, the demon's belly becomes illuminated like an x-ray, and I see dismembered soldiers inside; a catbird alights on the demon's head, and it's screeching out imitation gunfire and explosion sounds; a flock of ducks flies over ahead, and suddenly all their feathers fall off and flutter down to the river; the catbird calls out, "A trillion feathers for Narnia! A trillion dollars for Iraq!"; the naked ducks crash into the water and are devoured by river rats. Just before I wake up from the nightmare, pink dolphins jump out of the water and ram Ardua of the Potomac in the head, and she howls in pain and sinks to the bottom of the river.

(5) God Bless Us, Everyone (from new patient, Luciano Talaverdi, FRB economist)--

I'm back in Italy. My mother has decided to run for President of the Republic because she says it's time for common sense and old-fashioned values. My father asks her if she means the old-fashioned fascist values, or Julius Caesar, or maybe something in-between, like Machiavelli? She slaps him with a salami, and I tell her she is being a cliche, and she says, "What do you know, Mr. Fancy Pants?! We worked hard to send you to university, and then you abandoned us to go work for the Federal Reservation Board [Federal Reserve Board, Momma!] in America, and what do you do? Just drive people crazy!" [We're trying to prevent the world from going into a depression, Momma!] "What do you know, with your fancy pants and fancy shoes?! You are in the one percent, Luciano!" [Momma mia, no I'm not!] Then my father tells us to shut up because he's trying to watch the Italian version of Scrooge on television. Then I run out of my parents' house screaming, and I've turned into an ant! I am a tiny ant on the sidewalk, and the other ants and I are trying to grab crumbs before giant people shoes step on us. I cry out, "No, this is a mistake, I am an economist at the Federal Reserve Board, we are important, I am important, my girlfriend dresses like Obi Wan Kenobi, and I dress like Gianni Versace (but not in a gay way)." Then my mother comes out of the house, complains about the ants on her sidewalk, and she turns on the hose to wash us away. The last thing I hear is my father shouting out, "God bless us, everyone!" Then I wake up in a cold sweat.

(6) My Dream (by Dr. Ermann Esse)--

Barbara Walters is interviewing me as one of the five most fascinating people of 2011. I explain to her that my insistence on treating Washington patients without the use of psychotropic medicine forces them to confront their inner demons more rapidly: the process is painful, but they progress much faster. She says it's clear I am making a difference because Washington's community and national leaders are setting a shining example of rational enlightenment for the whole world. Then she says in all her years of reporting, she has NEVER been more inspired by Washingtonians than in 2011. After the interview, I go to sign my book ("Real Power is Brain Power") at Politics and Prose Bookstore on Christmas Eve, and the line is out the door and around the block. Then a pink warbler flies into the store out of nowhere and whispers in my year, "2012 will be even better! Merry Christmas!"