Lobbying for Dummies

___Jack Abramoff:
Wine them, dine them, take them to sporting events, pit a new client's interests against the previous one's....A 10,000% return on their investment answers all other questions....Am I a hypocrite? Is a hypocrite's hypocrite sincere? Are a crocodile's tears dry?

___Anne Millbrooke:
"Don't mix your issue with the elected official's campaign financing."

___former Senator Evermore Breadman:
"Hand them the contribution check from your client before you shake hands."

___Anne Millbrooke:
"Check your elected official's party, voting record, constituent pressures, responsiveness...."

___Ann Bishis, special assistant to Congressman Herrmark:
"Chocolate, flowers, jewelry, concert tickets, handbags, Harry and David fruit baskets with cookies, lunch in a nice restaurant, use of your Delaware beach house in August. Sometimes they don't have time to shop and just bring cash, which is a little tacky, but I understand--in Washington we're all very busy people."

___Anne Millbrooke:
"Use personal experience and feelings to support your point."

___Henry Samuelson, ex-CIA, member of the Heurich Society:
"Use your personal knowledge of THEM against them."

___Anne Millbrooke:
"Don't apologize for taking the elected official's time: it's a citizen's right to meet with official."

___Congressman Herrmark:
"Thanks for stopping by, but my next appointment is here." (And HE brought a campaign contribution!)

___Anne Millbrooke:
"State your cause clearly, directly, and briefly in your own words."

___Charles Wu, secret agent:
"Charm, maneuver, and manipulate until they arrive at the logical conclusion. Flirt with women. Massage male egos. Never let them know who or what else you're working for. And dress for success."

___Anne Millbrooke:
"Build a relationship: 'No permanent friends, no permanent enemies.'"

___John Boehner:
(to his therapist) "Lobbying? Nobody even pays attention to me anymore! All they talk about is Mitt, Newt, Michelle, Perry. Why don't you go talk to those freshman Republicans who packed the Defense authorization bill with earmarks after campaigning against earmarks!? I can guarantee you they learned something about lobbying last year!"

___Washington Water Woman:
(Should I wear the cheap suit because it's newer, or does the more expensive 10-year-old suit look better? Will they look at my shoes? What if I get nervous and ramble?) "This program operates with an annual $123 million deficit, and it only benefits a handful of citizens." (And that handful turn around and use that money to buy their U.S. Senators and Representatives, but I can't say that!) "It's harmful to the environment as well as discouraging more profitable economic enterprises which would employ a hundred times the number of people." (Now they're thinking, "Don't confuse with me logic!") "The association does NOT speak for most of them, let alone all of them. Phasing out this program will NOT endanger their way of life." (Did I fall on the third rail? He doesn't know what a third rail is because he's never ridden a subway!) "Thank you for your time." (Oops, was I not supposed to say that? Does this Congressional bill have a snowball's chance in Hell?)

___Ardua of the Potomac:
"Puny humans, with all your groveling for crumbs on the floor! Veni, vedi, venci!"