Washington Horror Blog

SEMI-FICTIONAL CHRONICLE of the EVIL THAT INFECTS WASHINGTON, D.C. To read Prologue and Character Guide, please see www.washingtonhorrorblog.com, updated 6/6//2017. Follow Washington Water Woman on Twitter @HorrorDC ....

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Chief Justice John Roberts joins Sense of Entitlement Anonymous.

It was a former member of the FISA Court ("Martin") who told Chief Justice John Roberts about Sense of Entitlement Anonymous (D.C. Chapter), and today was his first meeting.

"The little people just don't understand how well-educated and wise we are!" said "Martin", as he introduced "John" to the other members.  "We have legal reasons for the things we say!  The ignorant masses think we should be using common sense or humanitarian impulses to make these important decisions, but we know better!"

Oh, here we go again, thought real estate mogul Calico Johnson, rolling his eyes at Federal Reserve Board economist Luciano Talaverdi Yellen.  Blah blah blah, law law law.

"This was a blow for judicial independence!" cried Roberts referring to the recently published (and quickly maligned) 5-4 Supreme Court case, Williams-Yulee v. Florida Bar.  "I ruled that states may 'prohibit judges and judicial candidates from personally soliciting funds for their campaigns.'  How can a judge rule impartially if one of the parties gave them money?!  But nooooooo, the lamestream media wants to pretend this is a double standard!"

"It is a double standard!" exclaimed Bridezilla.  "My fiancé is running for the Virginia legislature, and you're saying he's not supposed to have any dignity!  A judge should not [air quotes] provide any special consideration to his campaign donors [air quotes], but Wince is supposed to head to Richmond with automobile salesmen and real estate developers breathing down his neck, telling him how to vote on everything?!  It's disgusting!"  She turned for a moment to Calico Johnson.  "No offense."  Johnson gave her a saccharine smile.

"That's not what I said, young lady!" scolded the Chief Justice.

"I know the law just as well as you do," retorted Bridezilla, "and you judges think you're so high and mighty!  Well how do you think you got your job, anyway?  Because of George Bush's campaign donors, that's how!  We all know you're answering to them, so stop pretending you aren't!"

The Chief Justice turned red in the face and looked to today's host, Congressman John Boehner, for an intervention, but the Speaker of the House did not recognize changes in facial color.

Sowell Ame, a local judge, stood up to impress the Chief Justice by reciting from Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission:  “'It is well understood that a substantial and legitimate reason, if not the only reason, to cast a vote for, or to make a contribution to, one candidate over another is that the candidate will respond by producing those political outcomes the supporter favors.  Democracy is premised on responsiveness.'”

"Oh," responded Bridezilla, "so Wince is supposed to respond by repealing the sales tax on automobiles and houses, but not on diamond rings or cupcakes because he's not getting contributions from the diamond ring people or the cupcake people?"

"Yes, this is an important point!" interjected Luciano Talaverdi Yellen.  "The tax policy absolutely must be written with a view towards stimulating the desired sectors, inhibiting undesired behaviors, and maintaining fiscal stability without undue burden.  If taxes were written by campaign donors--"

"They are written by campaign donors already!" said "Lisa", a member of N.U.T.T.Y. (Nannies United to Take Y Chromosomes).  Everyone looked at her in surprise.  "What?  My boss works for the sugar people, and he wrote their tax subsidies."   Everyone continued to look at her in amazement.  "Sometimes we talk about public policy issues--it's not always about flirting."

Chief Justice Roberts shook his head in amazement, wondering if it was a mistake coming here.  He looked at Dick Cheney to see what the big guy would say, but Cheney was busy examining a specimen from Congressman Boehner's shot glass collection.  "Mr. Vice President, you understand the difference between judges and other government officials, don't you?"

Cheney looked up.  "Sure!  When the terrorists kill all our daughters and we run out of gasoline, you people will still be in your chambers and your silly robes, writing opinions by candlelight--until that next automatic deposit fails to land in your bank account, and then you'll be on the first yacht to Mexico while real patriots get out their guns and defend our liberty!"

"Damned straight!" cried Boehner, but then the point about the automatic deposit's not showing up in the bank account started gnawing away at him.  How can I protect my money?

"Can we talk about FISA now?" asked another former member of the FISA Court ("Claudia").  "There was a dangerous judicial ruling against NSA surveillance this week.  If this goes all the way to the Supreme Court--"

"La la la la la la!" started chanting Chief Justice Roberts, quickly putting his fingers in his ears.

"See, this is the problem!" exclaimed Bridezilla.

"He can't hear about a case that might come before the Supreme Court," said Judge Sowell Ame, gleefully lecturing the senior associate from (recently prosecuted) Prince and Prowling.

"Everything that happens in this country might go before the Supreme Court someday!  They pretend they're impartial, but they go on vacations with people and read biased news on the Internet and watch the films Netflix recommends to them, and somebody buys their underwear from somewhere!"  (Everybody looked at the Chief Justice, curious now as to who was buying what underwear for him, but he still had his fingers in his ears.)  "They're human!  Other human beings influence them all the time!  We pay their salaries, but who do they listen to?  You can't tell me that 'Will and Grace' had nothing to do with the Supreme Court's gay marriage ruling!"

"We do pay their salaries," nodded Calico Johnson.

"So they should listen to us!  They should listen to everybody who pays their salaries!"  She walked over to Roberts and forcibly pulled his fingers out of his ears.  "You're an American!"

"Yes," said the Chief Justice carefully, looking around.  (What just happened?)

"Can we talk about Mother's Day now?" asked nanny "Lisa".  "I'm the one taking care of the kids!  When do they celebrate me, huh?  They owe me everything!  They wouldn't even have a family without me!  But what happens?!  He asks me to go with the kids to buy the card and the gift and the flowers and the candy for her!  It's totally unfair!  He should be buying those things for me!"

"Well, maybe N.U.T.T.Y. needs to do more campaign donations so that Congress passes legislation to create Nanny's Day!" said Bridezilla, shooting a snarky look at the Chief Justice.

"No," said the economist to the nanny, "you need to ask for a salary raise."

Just then, Boehner's bodyguard came in to tell his boss a suspicious parcel had been left outside the front door, and Cheney looked at the bodyguard in disgust.  "Well, go shoot it!" exclaimed the former leader of the not-so-free world.

"Is he senile?" whispered the Chief Justice to "Martin".

"Just haunted, as are we all."

There were actually several ghosts in attendance at the meeting, in addition to the listening device planted by triple agent Charles Wu, but like most S.E.A. meetings, this one would have no consequences--except the temporary lightening of the soul that occurs when kindred spirits share their pain.

COMING UP:  Congress gets a scary new caucus!


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