Washington Horror Blog

SEMI-FICTIONAL CHRONICLE of the EVIL THAT INFECTS WASHINGTON, D.C. To read Prologue and Character Guide, please see www.washingtonhorrorblog.com, updated 6/6//2017. Follow Washington Water Woman on Twitter @HorrorDC ....

Saturday, April 04, 2015

The Diary of Glenn Michael Beckmann

(Washington Water Woman had a rough week, so she invited renowned conspiracy blogger Glenn Michael Beckmann to contribute something today.  What Washington Water Woman did not know was that Beckmann's doctor recently changed his meds...and that Beckmann has also been smoking every green weed he could find since marijuana possession was decriminalized in the District of Columbia....)

It has come to my attention that Vladimir Putin (one of my top-ten suspects for the assassination of my darling Darja) has engineered invitations to the White House Easter Egg Roll for five Russian secret agents!  So I am launching a covert operation I'm calling Operation Covert Easter Egg Roll Operation.  (Ha!  That's not even the real name!)

What an event I have planned! If all goes as I envision it, we will kick off the morning by boarding a stagecoach that will be held aloft by a hot-air balloon and propelled by a swarm of bees. As we are carried to a destination of the bees’ choosing, from the coach’s windows we will glimpse pieces of pie with arms and legs engaged in combat with helpless, melting ice cream on the shores of an ocean of béarnaise sauce, all against the breathtaking backdrop of a sky filled with smog of every shade of purple in the rainbow. En route to our final destination, we will stop briefly on The Other Side, where we will be reunited not only with dear departed friends, relatives, and pets but also with earlier versions of people who are still alive, along with various loads of laundry we have done in the course of our lives. Finally, we will alight on the edge of a vast field filled with chocolate truffles and goats. We will gambol through the field, and when we come out of it at the opposite end, we will discover to our amazement that our shoes are cleaner than they were when we entered it. In the clearing, we will spy a spring that seems to be sluggishly, sporadically, and indiscriminately spewing orange soda that’s gone flat. A skeletal man with a flowing white beard will emerge from the brush and tell us it’s the Fountain of Middle Age, whereupon the Russian secret agents will run in the opposite direction because they want to be young forever.  Then I will know who the secret agents are and kill them all!  The Easter Egg Roll will be saved!

Ha, fooled you again!  That's not my plan at all!  That was a plan I used eight years ago when I was looking for Osama bin Laden!  Except there was heroin and donkeys and a Publishers' Clearinghouse check and a Chinese marching band.  It worked great!  Lots of bloodshed!

And I'm not even going after Russian agents at the White House Easter Egg Roll!  I'm going after the Easter Bunny because Ghost Henry told me it's Chinese spy Charles Wu and he's handing out toy spy drones to all the children!

Or am I????????

I have woven a web of deception so webby that you will never know what's coming until it arrives!  But mark my words:  what I do at Monday's Easter Egg Roll is going to be epic!  They will still be talking about it even when the next Super Bowl is on TV.

Finally, Beckmann's Floral Cushions is having a 40% off sale on poppy pillows (endorsed by the National Security Agency) and narcissus neck rolls (endorsed by Sense of Entitlement Anonymous).

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COMING UP:  Prince and Prowling's tax attorneys are in for a surprise!

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