House of Lards

"Congressman Herrmark, there are only about a dozen working days left for this Congress," said Ann Bishis, his Chief of Staff.  "I think we just need to accept that it's unlikely we'll get anything passed.  I propose--"

"You can't be serious?!" exclaimed Congressman Herrmark.

"Well, there might be more than that, but we can't count on it," said Bishis.  "I propose--"

"That can't possibly be right!"

"I propose we focus hard on constituent services for the next two months--get those voters in a good mood for your reelection."

"But what about all our campaign contributors?  Are we still getting money from Still Waters Run Deeper?"

"Yes, but--"

"And that billionaire with the casino boats?"

"Yes, Congressman, but we still have to get some votes."

"I thought we got votes through television commercials?"

"Well, it's more challenging this year, since Congress has passed so little legislation," said Bishis.  "We can't really run a campaign ad touting the great new name for the post office in Dewaynesville, or denouncing an Ambassador's murder in Benghazi, or celebrating the repeatedly failed attempts to repeal Obamacare.  Maybe we could do more for the veterans in our district, and film a TV ad around them?"

"I didn't know there was anything we could do for veterans?" replied Congressman Herrmark, genuinely baffled.  "The V.A. is just screwed up, right?  It's not my fault."

"We get letters from veterans all the time--we can contact the V.A. on their behalf."

"Huh!" said Congressman Herrmark.

"In fact, the staff has done that several times in the past, but I think it would be good for you to get more involved now."

"Huh!" said Congressman Herrmark.  "Don't I have to do some fundraisers?"

"We have a lot of SuperPAC money already--we really need to focus on voters now."

"Huh!" repeated Congressman Herrmark.  "So you don't think we'll get another chance at an appropriations rider in the--"

"Nope."

"Huh!  Well, they didn't mention this in the Holier Than Thou Caucus.  We spent most of the last meeting preparing that statement about the Supreme Court ruling on religious freedom."

"Huh?" said Bishis.

Meanwhile, a few miles from Capitol Hill, a very harried John Boehner was regretting his decision to host a meeting of Sense of Entitlement Anonymous (D.C. Chapter) in his Man Cave.  "You've got to be kidding!"  The Speaker of the House exclaimed to realtor Calico Johnson.  "You think you're having a bad summer, because house sales are flat?  I'm running out of time, and I've got hundreds of Congressmen whining for amendments and riders and earmarks--"

"I though Congress didn't do earmarks anymore," said a former member of the FISA court.

"Wow, you FISA people really are out of touch with the American people!" said Judge Sowell Ame.

"And the damned spying!" said Boehner.  "Everybody and his uncle in Congress want to pass legislation about the NSA!  And you think they can agree on it?  Of course not!  And now I don't have a Majority Whip to get them in line!"

"What about that new guy from California?" asked Mayor Vince Gray.  "Well, I suppose it doesn't matter--Obama can still veto."

"Ha, ha!  Funny, Vince!" said Judge Sowell Ame.  "When was the last time you even got a bill past the Senate?" he said to Boehner.

"What about this immigration thing?" asked a member from N.U.T.T.Y. (Nannies United To Take Y-chromosomes).  "Congress needs to drive back this immigration surge!  It's going to depress our wages."

Italian economist Luciano Talaverdi narrowed his eyes in outrage.  "I suppose you would prefer it if these unfortunate adolescents were kidnapped, raped, and enslaved in Mexico, instead of making it across the border?"

"Oh, lighten up, Luciano!" exclaimed Calico Johnson.  "She was only talking about nanny wages."

"And how am I supposed to fix that, too?" wailed the Speaker of the House.  "Legislate that the Green Berets start patrolling the Texas border, and mow down these Spics with machine guns?  'Cause once they're across the border, we gotta give 'em humanitarian treatment, and it's pissing everybody off!"

"The climate change people say that's exactly what we'll have to, or we will see a flood of climate change refugees coming in," said Bridezilla, who was met with stunned silence.  "I mean, I'm just saying--it would be awkward for all of us.  They need to stay in their own climate, and we should stay in ours.  A wall would be better, of course--nobody wants to see anybody mowed down by machine guns."

"You think the Berlin Wall kept the East Germans safely and peacefully in East Germany?" asked Talaverdi (Bridezilla's former beau).  "Climate change is real--Congress should be ashamed of itself for doing nothing about it."

"Now see here!" protested Boehner.  "You've got a lot of nerve!  You fools at the Federal Reserve want the public sector to fix everything!"

"I'd just like to see Congress fix one thing," laughed Dick Cheney.  "When I was in Congress--"

"Oh, spare us!" said several members of SEA in unison.

Meanwhile, Congressman Jacques Javert was having dinner at Acadiana with some oil company executives from his home state of Louisiana.  (He did this almost every Sunday night.)

"Jacques, we're a little concerned about the current donor cycle."

"Hm?" mouthed Javert, with several shrimp in his mouth.

"You don't seem to be doing an adequate job of keeping up appearances."

"Hm?" mouthed Javert again, before gulping down some bourbon.

"We've been very careful with the SuperPac's, but this Petro Pig character has managed to publish exactly how much money we've donated to your reelection campaign."

"Is that so?" asked Javert.

"Are your people being careful?  Do you think you might have leaks in your staff?"

Javert burped loudly, picked up his napkin from his lap, carefully wiped his mouth, and replaced the napkin.  He smoothed his poplin shirt over his bulging belly, then began nervously fingering his Rolex--the cursed Rolex he had picked up during the chaos of that unfortunate wedding shooting in May.

"Petro Pig Tweeted that Louisiana is not a state, Congressman, but, rather, a colony of the petroleum industry.  We can't afford to keep funding your campaign if you cannot keep the information under control.  When we see exact dollar amounts linked to us, it's problematic for both you and our company."

Congressman Javert contemplated this for a few more minutes, and began scratching under the (cursed) Rolex.  "Well," he said at last, "nobody's gonna call me a lackey of Big Oil!"  And with that, he pulled his pearl-handled revolver out of his ankle holster and shot all three of them rapidly under the table.  He calmly replaced the gun, dropped several fifty-dollar bills on the table, and walked out of the noisy restaurant.  (It would be another 10 minutes before the busy waiter returned to the table, found the money, and noticed the men were all slumped over.)

Under the Capitol Dome, restless river rats raced deeper into the tunnels, and millipedes multiplied exponentially...because they had so much to feed on.

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COMING UP:  The butterfly.