Washington Horror Blog

SEMI-FICTIONAL CHRONICLE of the EVIL THAT INFECTS WASHINGTON, D.C. To read Prologue and Character Guide, please see www.washingtonhorrorblog.com, updated 6/6//2017. Follow Washington Water Woman on Twitter @HorrorDC ....

Saturday, May 21, 2011



Calico Johnson awoke with a start from his post-golfing nap and nearly fell out of his hammock.


He turned to look behind him and saw a huge cow staring at him from the other side of the hydrangea bushes. He rubbed his eyes and looked again, but she was still there. Then she lowered her head and began grazing on his Potomac Manors estate.

Several miles further south along the Potomac, Nick and Costas were teaching Charles Wu how to play flamingo football. "Very simple," said Nick. "Girls against guys," said his twin, Costas. "Guys play on one leg to make it fair," said Nick. (Wu had done a few undignified things in his spying career, but Wu had never had to stoop to using one-leggedness as an excuse to grope and tackle girls. There has to be an easier way to spy on Congressman Herrmark.) "Mega fun!" added Costas, as he demonstrated to Wu how (moderately) adept he was at hopping around on one leg with a football under his arm. "Great American invention!" concluded Nick. "Like hydrofracking!" said Costas, and the twins burst out laughing about their boss's obsession with hydrofracking.

"It's not funny!" said a young woman they had met last night at their boss's "Gasland"-viewing house party. "We need to stop it!" she said earnestly.

Wu gently put his hand on her shoulder, looked deeply into her eyes, and said, "We will!"

The young woman smiled, reached down to tickle Costas behind his flamingo leg, tore the football from his grasp as he collapsed in laughter, and ran off with it. (Wu started hopping after her, but he wasn't fast enough.)

A few miles to the east, John Boehner was weeping softly on the couch of psychiatrist Ermann Esse. "It's just a moving paper fantasy!" cried Boehner. ("Does he know he's quoting from 'Hair'?" jotted Dr. Esse on his note pad.) "WE have the power of the purse string! THEY hit the debt limit! Geithner is stealing money from other pots! Where's the outrage? We're facing a dying nation!"

("Definitely from 'Hair'", jotted Dr. Esse.) "Are you wearing smells from laboratories?" asked Dr. Esse, pen poised.

"What the hell are you talking about?! Are you listening to me?!" ("Patient continues to show no awareness of the source of his thought processes," wrote Dr. Esse.) "They call ME a 'blowhard dufus', but it's Geithner! Geithner, Geithner, Geithner!"

(Dr. Esse wrote down: "and Brady Bunch--Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!") "Wasn't Biden the 'blowhard dufus'?" asked Dr. Esse.

"Your questions aren't making any sense!" protested Boehner, reaching for another tissue. "This country is in MEGA trouble! Why did Stephen Colbert have a former flight attendant on his show to talk about the budget? It should have been me!"

"Your office declined; she's with the Tea Party Express."

"You're missing the point!" exclaimed Boehner. "I almost wish the world WOULD end today. Hey, don't write that down!" he exclaimed with a scowl, and Dr. Esse held his pen in limbo above the note pad. "You know who has the number one trending conservative blog right now?" (Dr. Esse shook his head.) "Glenn Michael Beckmann! They say even Dick Cheney is reading it! Last week Beckmann wrote that there is a conspiracy of cheap pens which don't work to prevent patriots from spreading the good news about the Hunter-Gatherer Society! They say Sarah Palin is their President! And they're meeting today to hunt black squirrels because they're 'genetically engineered spies from Canada'!" (Boehner used his fingers to indicate the latter portion of the sentence was in air quotes.) "And people are reading this! He wrote that it was the Hunter-Gatherer Society that took out Osama Bin Laden--not the Navy Seals!"

"If you could just fix ONE issue today," interjected Dr. Esse, "what would be your number one priority?"

"Get the truth out! This country is in MEGA trouble!"

"Is it the truth that the country is in mega trouble, or that you, John Boehner, Speaker of the House, have a mega solution?" This was a sincere question on Dr. Esse's part, but Boehner screwed up his eyes in suspicion.

A couple miles away, the Camelot Society was also discussing the country's mega problems in the Federal Reserve Board Research Library, seated around the round table. Economist Luciano Talaverdi was in a bad mood--if asked, he would say it was because of lingering economic issues, but the truth was that "Obi Wan Woman" had been on a sex strike since the arrest of IMF President, Dominique Strauss-Kahn (AKA "Dominant Trash Can" in certain FRB circles).

"What kind of socialist rents a $3,000/night hotel suite for just himself?" asked the economist from Mexico.

"The kind who wants to sneak up on maids and attack them!" said "Obi Wan Woman".

"Alright!" interjected Talaverdi. "The agenda today is choosing the next IMF chief and aligning fiscal policy with Fed policy. What should we do first?"

The economist from India looked at his watch and wondered if there was any hope of making the ambassador's dinner party tonight.

"Is it time to take the paradigm beyond liquidity?" asked Obi Wan Woman, who had recently been reading Thomas More's opinion that autocrats who control all the wealth are jailkeepers, not rulers.

The economist from India sighed.

Back in Potomac Manors, a tall blond had followed the trail of her cow across a pasture, through the boxwood boundary, and onto the property of Calico Johnson. "Mega Moo!" she called out happily when she spotted the cow eating Johnson's pampas grass, and Johnson emerged from behind a hickory tree to take a look at her. "I'm so sorry!" she said. "I guess I'm gonna have to build a fence," she added, extending her hand to greet her new neighbor.

"That won't be necessary!" exclaimed Johnson, clasping her hand warmly. "I love cows!" he lied.

She laughed and told him she had just moved down from Wisconsin and could not bear to part with the cow she had raised as a girl.

"Just don't ask me to milk her!" Johnson said.

"Oh, she's old and barren now," said his new neighbor, who was anything but.

"'Mega Moo' you called her?" The cow looked up at the repeat of her name.

"She had the loudest moo on the farm," his new neighbor said. "But I will build a proper fence if she's gonna be a bother."

"Not at all!" said Johnson. "Welcome to the neighborhood, Mega Moo!"

Out in the river, Ardua of the Potomac swam slowly by, relishing the end of her confinement, and Mega Moo threw up.


NEXT WEEK: Another international financial leader is arrested!


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