The Diary of Nick and Costas

NICK: Yesterday we drove Congressman Herrmark to the airport for his "fact-finding" trip to the Marianas Islands.

COSTAS: Our cousin Ann Bishis already explained that this meant he would be patronizing underage prostitutes who were victims of human trafficking that were lied to about getting good "American" jobs in the Marianas factories. We have been discussing whether this job is really better than working for the Greek mafia.

NICK: I still think it is!

COSTAS: Maybe.

NICK: We just got back from Chinatown and saw some American prostitutes.

COSTAS: They might not be--and it wasn't really Chinatown.

NICK: Close to Chinatown! One woman had her shirt off and was jumping up and down on the street corner, making her large breasts bounce up and down like crazy.

COSTAS: The prostitutes are not like that in Greece.

NICK: I think it's the crack, no?

COSTAS: Or the meth--remember Ann told us about the meth.

NICK: Oh, the meth.

COSTAS: Before Chinatown, we went to Macy's with Ann because she wanted to buy new makeup before her vacation.

NICK: She takes vacation when Congressman takes vacation.

COSTAS: Like us! Too cheap to take his bodyguards to Marianas Islands with him!

NICK: We went to Mac counter, and crazy gay guy with super spiky hair put makeup samples on Ann!

COSTAS: Gay man putting makeup on woman! I think when we go back to Greece, we should act like gay men, too--open beauty salon, women love it.

NICK: Crazy spiky hair! Blue and purple! Then gay phlebotomist walks up to counter!

COSTAS: We didn't know he was phlebotomist--Ann told us later, "that's the gay phlebotomist from the lab". Black gay phlebotomist. There are no gay phlebotomists in Greece.

NICK: How do you know?!

COSTAS: Alright, maybe, but no black gay phlebotomists in Greece!

NICK: We are not really on vacation--we are supposed to repaint, clean chimney, do the garden, repave the driveway, fix up the car--all sorts of things!

COSTAS: But he's still paying us for the week. If we finish in three days, rest is vacation. We can go pick up tourists at Cherry Blossom Festival.

NICK: You know--the kind that like identical twins, ha ha!

COSTAS: What a great country.

NICK: But seriously, we are loving America! Such big things happen here. Congressman Herrmark voted to suspend money for National Public Radio.

COSTAS: Ann said it was only one ten-thousandth of one percent of the federal budget, but it's the principle of the thing.

NICK: Take that, Big Bird!

COSTAS: I like Big Bird!

NICK: Yes, sad day. Big Bird must die so that U.S. can keep spending ten billion per month in Afghanistan.

COSTAS: Big Bird should go to Afghanistan, find Osama Bin Laden, come back hero of U.S.A.!

NICK: No, Big Bird must fly fighter planes to Libya!

COSTAS: No, Big Bird must pick up leaking nuclear power plant in Japan and fly it to South Pole.

NICK: Now you are just talking crazy. You are still drunk! Go to bed.

COSTAS: Fine!

Washington Water Woman is exhausted out of her mind after a rough week and hopes to take back her blog next week....