Washington Horror Blog

SEMI-FICTIONAL CHRONICLE of the EVIL THAT INFECTS WASHINGTON, D.C. To read Prologue and Character Guide, please see www.washingtonhorrorblog.com, updated 6/6//2017. Follow Washington Water Woman on Twitter @HorrorDC ....

Sunday, February 05, 2017

White House Diaries

Diary of Clio, the White House butler:
I've never felt so low since the twins fell off the roof and died!  Everything is so UGLY now.  Ugly people, ugly words, ugly gold spray paint.  Making the maids change his damned hand-wash satin sheets every day because he's doing such ugly things in that bed with God-knows-who, since his wife is never here!  Those Russian and Slovenian women sent over from the hotel as "massage therapists"!  What a disgusting man.  And that strange woman Bibi Von Braun!  They say she's Trump's Special Science Adviser, but he gave her full access to the EAST Wing, and she's always messing around--up to no good, I'm sure.  She keeps putting special-blend smoothies in his mini-fridge for him to drink first thing in the morning, and Rhonda swears she saw Dr. Von Braun collecting hair from his bathtub!  Is she doing voodoo on him?  I don't know!  The worst thing is I'm seeing Regina and Ferguson everywhere!  I'm gonna have to look for a new psychiatrist.  I see those kids running around on a tear--making people trip, hiding their keys, changing the TV channels to CNN, rubbing spare scarves and neckties in the potted plant dirt, sending Tweets on people's phones.  And I KNOW Reggie and Fergie were the ones that sprinkled white pepper in Trump's underwear drawer!  That man's always walking around scratching himself!  But I have to admit, I laughed pretty hard when I heard that they keep finding a jar of Mexican salsa on Trump's Oval Office desk!  That's the only thing that's made me laugh in quite awhile.

Diary of Randy "Bubba" Blaylock, Trump's personal security detail:
And my ex said I'd never amount to anything!  HA!  First, I freed our daughter from that white slavery thing, then I found that Rolex, and now I got a job working for the President of the United States himself!  I would've thought my criminal record would prevent me from getting a gig like this, but Mr. Bannon recruited me straight off my Facebook page!  Said he liked what I was posting about Darth Vader, Dick Cheney, and the need for every man to fulfill his bad-ass destiny!  I mean, I knew I was a bad-ass, but after I got Brittani out of that dungeon, things just TOOK OFF!  (Where is that girl, anyway?  Her dumb-ass mama and new sissified husband already lost track of her!)  I LOVE working for POTUS!  Yeah, that's what we call him around here!  Except some of us call him KOTUS 'cause he's the KING, baby!  Don't get me wrong--I know he can be an asshole sometimes, and I honestly don't think I would take a bullet for a man too cowardly to kill his own spiders (he won't do it!).  But, man, I'd love to SEE somebody try to take him out so that I can whip out my gun and shoot the perp!  And then I'd pistol-whip him and stomp on him, too--although maybe that would be hard if a bunch of other people jump him at the same time.  My real fantasy, though, would be for Bannon to say, "Dudes!  We've discovered that ALL the reporters at the White House briefing are secretly working for North Korea and Iran!  We need you to put on your gas masks, then go in there and beat the crap out of them after they're blinded by the tear gas!"  And I would be like, "Are we KILLING them, like Trump said on that O'Reilly interview??!!!"  And Bannon would just WINK!  And then I would be like, "What about the Fox reporter?  Or that blogger from the Aryan Nation?"  And Bannon would be like, "They'll be taken to safety with Angry Spice first!"  (That's what we call Spicer!  What a Spice Girls fag!  He should shave his head, get a tattoo or something.)  Man, I really do hope I get a chance to beat the crap out of somebody soon, or I might have to find a new girlfriend, ha ha ha ha!  Man, this Rolex itches.

Diary of Ghost Dennis:
He's listening to everything I say!  This is the first U.S. President who has actually listened to me since Richard Nixon--in his first two years, that is.  Trump can HEAR me!  Unfortunately, he argues with me constantly!  He thinks I'm the ghost of Nelson Rockefeller!  In what universe do I sound like Nelson Rockefeller?  "That's not true, Nelson!" Trump says!  "And I don't take advice from guys who can't get into the White House by themselves."  WHAT?! I tried to talk to him about why Nixon almost got impeached, and he said, "LOSER!  Resigned the Presidency!  They'll never impeach me--the people love me!  And I'll get anybody who doesn't have my back!"  I said, "Mr. President, your approval rating is hovering between 30 and 40%, and your own WIFE does not even have your back--didn't you see that footage of her incredible frowny face when you were taking the oath of office?"  And then he went off again about how everybody's lying that his inauguration was NOT the greatest, most impressive spectacle ever witnessed in the history of television democracy ratings.  Then I got tired and went away for awhile.  When I tried to go back to tell him he's being lied to about Poland's invading Belarus, he said, "Not now, Nelson!  I gotta reply to Arnold's latest Tweet!"  Can a ghost go insane?  I think I'm losing it.

Diary of @RoguePotusStaff:
Saturday Night Massacre--Bannon got a dozen people fired while Trump was in Florida.  He trusts almost nobody, with good cause!  But he actually fired some of the wrong people.  Still, we're switching out the burner phones again and lying low for a bit.  If he only knew!  Cooks, maids, Secret Service agents, protocol officers, RNC staffers, chauffeurs.  But after he fired those people, a couple more turned to our side!  They said their wives had them kidnapped by Solomon Kane and de-programmed from the Trump cult by a weird group of clerics calling themselves the Seekers!  Whatever works, man.  Resist!  Thank God no major policy announcements during the Super Bowl, but I know we'll be dealing with fallout from a bunch of asinine Trump Tweets soon enough--I'm a little terrified to find out what the ACLU is going to unleash, actually.  They're rich!  Surely the first time in history they have enough donations to buy a Super Bowl ad.  And Lady Gaga?  Man, if somebody doesn't get him to turn the channel over to the Puppy Bowl during her halftime show, it's gonna be ugly on @RealDonaldTrump.

Diary of Bridge, the White House gardener:
Crocus and daffodils starting to poke up a bit, too soon.  More freezes coming.  Maybe Hell will even freeze over.  Clio's kids gone hog-wild again, but those pre-schoolers more mature than #SoCalledPresident.  I gotta work on those rose plants tomorrow, even though I'm not sure he'll ever sign anything in the Rose Garden.  Just Tweets, then signs what the #UnholyTrinity tell him to sign, and then he Tweets some more.  And Ghost Dennis?  Ooh, boy.  Things are too riled up on that side, too riled up.

COMING UP:  And Justice for all!?


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