Washington Horror Blog

SEMI-FICTIONAL CHRONICLE of the EVIL THAT INFECTS WASHINGTON, D.C. To read Prologue and Character Guide, please see www.washingtonhorrorblog.com, updated 6/6//2017. Follow Washington Water Woman on Twitter @HorrorDC ....

Saturday, December 23, 2006

All That Glitters

The radio was playing another jewelry store ad. Angela de la Paz hummed along as she formed pupusas in her grandmother's Adams Morgan kitchen. Angela was wearing hoop earrings left behind by her dead mother. Abuela was lying down again, still tired from yesterday's dialysis. Abuela was wearing a rosary like a necklace. Dad was at work, and that was a good thing. Dad was wearing a ruby ring he had found in a parking lot. It was going to be a good Christmas, Angela thought--maybe even a couple of new presents this year. Maybe abuela would feel well enough to go to church. Maybe dad would go, too. She smiled out the window at the pink warbler sitting in the bare tree branches near the window.

Over at George Washington University Hospital, Dr. Khalid Mohammad was looking in on John Doe, the brain-damaged amnesiac with temporal lobe epilepsy. John was doing somewhat better, but they still hadn't identified him. John was listening to holiday music and doing some tai-chi he had learned from a nurse. The station went to commercial, and the Jared jewelry jingle began, throwing John into an epileptic trance. His spirit broke free and roamed. Dr. Mohammad turned off the irritating song and led John back to bed, where he sat down weightlessly, fingering his hospital ID bracelet. Dr. Mohammad fiddled nervously with his watch, still not understanding these were the best moments of John's life.

Several miles east, Golden Fawn was packing for her holiday trip. She knew she needed to tell her grandmother about the pink warbler dreams--it was time. She packed some ceremonial necklaces from the gift shop at the Museum of the American Indian as the radio played another jewelery store ad.

Over at the White House, butler Clio was baking cookies with her twins, Reggie and Fergie. "Every kiss begins with--" Clio abruptly changed the radio station, sick to death of jewelry store jingles. Her plain wedding band was sticky with dough. She didn't even know why she still wore it anymore. Her husband had left because he thought the twins were possessed. Good Lord! Reggie and Fergie were chattering to each other in their secret twin language. Fergie knew mommie had an evil bug in her stomach, but Reggie said it would be OK. Clio still couldn't understand a word they said. Clio felt nauseous.

Up in Tenleytown, the Assistant Deputy Administrator for Anti-Fecklessness was trying to give a diamond ring to his girlfriend, Eva Brown, but she was interrogating him about whether it was a blood diamond. He had no idea what she was talking about. Eva went on to lambast him about Condaleeza Rice's announcement that she wouldn't talk to Syria or Iran. "She wants Iran to drop a nuclear bomb on Iraq, doesn't she?!" He tried again to ask her to marry him, but she didn't notice--she was already lecturing him about how stupid USAID was in Afghanistan that they didn't even know solar cookers worked, and the people were completely deforesting the mountains for firewood, and the Taliban was coming back to power, and all the women there were screwed. The Assistant Deputy Administrator for Anti-Fecklessness put the ring back in the box.

Over at Prince and Prowling, Laura Moreno was listening to a self-rightous South African talking on the radio about how his family never sells blood diamonds. The South African had, in fact, sold $66,000 worth of diamonds to employees of Prince and Prowling in the past week alone. Laura--the temporary attorney--was putting in time and a half to try to put together enough dollars to buy gifts for her nieces and nephews. Laura's hands were adorned with gloves and wrist braces. Jewelry was for people like Chloe Cleavage and Bridezilla, not her.

Over in Georgetown, Dubious McGinty was heading back to the drawbridge after another unsuccesful attempt to find the missing Rolex watch--the one for which the owner had posted a reward. He didn't know that the flyer had been posted on behalf of Donald Rumsfeld, who had gotten the Rolex as a gift from Dick Cheney, who had called Rummy the "best Secretary of Defense" ever. Rummy sometimes lost things--even expensive, glittery things. Rummy was incensed that he would have to buy himself a Rolex before he saw Dick again, because there was no way he was telling Dick it was lost. Dubious climbed up to the abandoned office where he lived, and sat down to listen to the radio for a couple of hours before "The Sound of Music" came on. A radio ad told him the best place to buy jewelry, and he wrote it down in his journal because it sounded like an important clue.

Deep in the Potomac beneath him, Ardua was satisfied with her progress in turning holydays into holidaze, with mad Washingtonians scurrying all over the place to buy cursed baubles for their loved ones. How easy it was to prey on fools at this time of year. She was especially pleased with where she had placed that Rolex--handled by Cheney and Rummy both! That watch would be a curse for a long time to come.

Ross Simons


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