Springtime at the Arlington group home for the mentally challenged.
Social worker Hue Nguyen shook her head in religious AND clinical dismay that residents of the Arlington group home for the mentally challenged were spending a lovely Sunday morning again attending the Church of Twitter led by Freddy Ritchings (AKA Brother Divine of the International Peace Movement), but the service was almost over.
"We got hash tags and hash browns, old rags and old gowns, paper bags and paper crowns, sad hags and sad frowns! Tweet #DemocracySpring! Tweet #FreedomRing! Tweet #LetMamaSing! Tweet #NoMoreBling!" ("Amen! Amen!") "New York values! Used-up halos! Donald Trump tweets the lies! Ted Cruz tweets the sighs! Bernie Sanders tweets the highs! Hillary Clinton tweets magpies!" ("Huh?") "Twitter me this, Twitter me that, Twitter me you, Twitter my cat!" (Freddy paused to look out over the congregation and gather his final thoughts.) "I got eighty likes, but where's the love? Re-tweet my thoughts and release the dove!" (He paused to actually Tweet out this last message to his 8,922 Twitter Followers.) "Go in peace to Tweet out your heart, then the world will make a new start!" ("Amen! Amen!")
Hue jumped up to encourage the residents to go outside for a walk or at least a sojourn in the backyard, but they shuffled off to their respective hobbies.
Melinda decided to Tweet about the Senate resolution in praise of magic--the most important legislative bill she had ever seen in her lifetime! Melinda was a firm believer in magic (she believed in little else), and she had never thought that the Republicans were the party of magical beliefs, but it was Republicans who had sponsored the resolution in praise of magic! After she Tweeted about the amazing Senate resolution in praise of magic (to her fourteen Followers), she was going to write a letter to the editor of Arlington Patch. After that, she was going to write a letter to Harry Potter, or maybe Hermione, asking for their help in casting a spell over Congress to pass the resolution and send it to President Obama to sign. (She had cast many spells, but her magic was not very strong.) She would put the letter to Harry Potter (or Hermione) on the back porch just before bedtime so that her owl would pick it up. (The social worker on duty would actually pick it up and share it with psychologist Leo Schwartz.) Melinda got goose bumps thinking about all this magic!
Meanwhile, Buckner also had some letters to write, since he was desperately trying to score a date to the White House Correspondents' Dinner. First up: Miss Manners! He knew she would at least be polite enough to answer his letter! (It disgusted him how many journalists ignored his letters!) He sat down at his bedroom desk and began writing on the cherry blossom stationery his mother had given him on her Wednesday visit. "Dear Miss Manners, I would very much like to escort you to the White House Correspondents' Dinner. I have three PhDs and know how to make very interesting table talk! For instance, I could explain my theory on how the recent earthquakes in Japan and Ecuador were caused by Klingon wormhole time travel! If the other people at the table are more interested in politics than science, I could explain the vast conspiracy to hide the fact that the entire Bush clan was replaced by Pod People during the Invasion of the Body Snatchers decades ago! (Jeb was very young when he was replaced, which is why so many people cannot detect ANY human personality in him at all.) I could also share the DNA results from tests done on secretly purloined strands of Donald Trump's hair--which is not only his real hair but proves he is a direct descendant of Adolf Hitler! I'm pretty sure you cannot find a more interesting date than me, Miss Manners, and I know if you say yes that my mother will buy me a tuxedo and new shoes, and I can bring you a rose corsage that I will make myself with a rose from our garden. Sincerely, Buckner Hodges Highgrove, III."
Theresa was also in her room, on the phone with her brother begging him to sign her out on Monday because she desperately wanted to get arrested at the Capitol with the DemocracySpring protesters. "Please, please, please! I still have my green face paint from my "Wicked" Halloween costume, and I want to be the Statue of Liberty." ("They already arrested the Statue of Liberty.") "I know! But she looked so good! ("Mom will kill me if I get you arrested!") "I know, but it's worth it! There's a rumor that Thor will be there, or even Captain America! Maybe I could go as Wonder Woman." ("That's a different comic book universe.") "Why are you always crushing my dreams! You wouldn't take me to see the Pope and now this!" ("Do you even know what they're protesting?") "The police won't let them go inside because they're not in the Zombie Caucus." ("What are you talking about?!") "Haven't you read about this at all?" ("Theresa, I need to work on Monday, but I can sign you out for dinner at Applebee's.")
Meanwhile, the social worker finally saw somebody venture out into the sunshine, Cedric, but she was surprised to see him take his metal detector out there. (He had inherited it from his beachcomber father.) She observed him from the window for a few minutes, then went outside to ask what he was doing in the backyard.
"I'm checking for buried bodies," he said calmly.
Hue stifled a gasp. Cedric had told all sorts of espionage stories over the years, but he had never focused his concerns this close to home. "Whose bodies?"
"MS-13 bodies," he said, referring to the brutal Salvadoran street gang. "They've been chopping up enemies all over Northern Virginia and burying them in shallow graves. A lot of CIA agents live in Northern Virginia, and they generally have shrapnel fragments in their bodies, and Salvadorans hate the CIA, and MS-13 attacks their enemies when they least suspect it--like when they're jogging in Turkey Run or riding their bikes around Lake Barcroft without a gun because they're in their spandex."
The metal detector went off, and Hue jumped. Cedric ran to the porch, put the metal detector down next to his teddy bear Aloysius (watching thoughtfully from a wicker chair), and picked up a gardening spade. He ran back to the spot and started digging.
"It could be anything, Cedric," the social worker said.
Cedric ignored her, egged on by Ghost Henry (who should have had better things to do), and finally found the metal: a small pile of nails which had been rusting under the sod for years, if not decades. "Shrapnel," said Cedric, shaking his head. "The worms have eaten all the flesh."
Back inside, Larry was seated at the shared computer, filming himself and his ventriloquist dummy for his increasingly popular YouTube channel: "Larry and Gary". (The channel was popular both because of how bad Larry was at throwing his voice and because of the crazy things both Larry and"Gary" would say.)
"Today we're going to talk about filing taxes," said Larry.
"Liar!" said Gary, a Caucasian doll with curly black hair, blue eyes, and a pin-striped suit. "You haven't filed taxes since Bush was President!"
"That's true," said Larry, "but you did."
"What?" gasped Gary.
"I filed in your name and stole your money, ha ha!" said Larry.
And then the dummy started yelling and beating up Larry: at least that's what it looked like to Hue when the social worker went back into the house and ran over to pull Gary off.
That's also what it looked like to conspiracy blogger Glenn Michael Beckmann when he viewed the YouTube video on his Southwest Plaza apartment computer. "I knew it!" he shouted out loud, his eyes growing large. "It's alive!"
Back in Arlington, out in the backyard, Cedric continued to sweep the grass, but the starlings watching from the sycamore tree knew he would never find real bones unless he looked under those thorny rose bushes.
*************************************************************
COMING UP: Petro Pig and other
Washingtonians return from OPEC meeting.
"We got hash tags and hash browns, old rags and old gowns, paper bags and paper crowns, sad hags and sad frowns! Tweet #DemocracySpring! Tweet #FreedomRing! Tweet #LetMamaSing! Tweet #NoMoreBling!" ("Amen! Amen!") "New York values! Used-up halos! Donald Trump tweets the lies! Ted Cruz tweets the sighs! Bernie Sanders tweets the highs! Hillary Clinton tweets magpies!" ("Huh?") "Twitter me this, Twitter me that, Twitter me you, Twitter my cat!" (Freddy paused to look out over the congregation and gather his final thoughts.) "I got eighty likes, but where's the love? Re-tweet my thoughts and release the dove!" (He paused to actually Tweet out this last message to his 8,922 Twitter Followers.) "Go in peace to Tweet out your heart, then the world will make a new start!" ("Amen! Amen!")
Hue jumped up to encourage the residents to go outside for a walk or at least a sojourn in the backyard, but they shuffled off to their respective hobbies.
Melinda decided to Tweet about the Senate resolution in praise of magic--the most important legislative bill she had ever seen in her lifetime! Melinda was a firm believer in magic (she believed in little else), and she had never thought that the Republicans were the party of magical beliefs, but it was Republicans who had sponsored the resolution in praise of magic! After she Tweeted about the amazing Senate resolution in praise of magic (to her fourteen Followers), she was going to write a letter to the editor of Arlington Patch. After that, she was going to write a letter to Harry Potter, or maybe Hermione, asking for their help in casting a spell over Congress to pass the resolution and send it to President Obama to sign. (She had cast many spells, but her magic was not very strong.) She would put the letter to Harry Potter (or Hermione) on the back porch just before bedtime so that her owl would pick it up. (The social worker on duty would actually pick it up and share it with psychologist Leo Schwartz.) Melinda got goose bumps thinking about all this magic!
Meanwhile, Buckner also had some letters to write, since he was desperately trying to score a date to the White House Correspondents' Dinner. First up: Miss Manners! He knew she would at least be polite enough to answer his letter! (It disgusted him how many journalists ignored his letters!) He sat down at his bedroom desk and began writing on the cherry blossom stationery his mother had given him on her Wednesday visit. "Dear Miss Manners, I would very much like to escort you to the White House Correspondents' Dinner. I have three PhDs and know how to make very interesting table talk! For instance, I could explain my theory on how the recent earthquakes in Japan and Ecuador were caused by Klingon wormhole time travel! If the other people at the table are more interested in politics than science, I could explain the vast conspiracy to hide the fact that the entire Bush clan was replaced by Pod People during the Invasion of the Body Snatchers decades ago! (Jeb was very young when he was replaced, which is why so many people cannot detect ANY human personality in him at all.) I could also share the DNA results from tests done on secretly purloined strands of Donald Trump's hair--which is not only his real hair but proves he is a direct descendant of Adolf Hitler! I'm pretty sure you cannot find a more interesting date than me, Miss Manners, and I know if you say yes that my mother will buy me a tuxedo and new shoes, and I can bring you a rose corsage that I will make myself with a rose from our garden. Sincerely, Buckner Hodges Highgrove, III."
Theresa was also in her room, on the phone with her brother begging him to sign her out on Monday because she desperately wanted to get arrested at the Capitol with the DemocracySpring protesters. "Please, please, please! I still have my green face paint from my "Wicked" Halloween costume, and I want to be the Statue of Liberty." ("They already arrested the Statue of Liberty.") "I know! But she looked so good! ("Mom will kill me if I get you arrested!") "I know, but it's worth it! There's a rumor that Thor will be there, or even Captain America! Maybe I could go as Wonder Woman." ("That's a different comic book universe.") "Why are you always crushing my dreams! You wouldn't take me to see the Pope and now this!" ("Do you even know what they're protesting?") "The police won't let them go inside because they're not in the Zombie Caucus." ("What are you talking about?!") "Haven't you read about this at all?" ("Theresa, I need to work on Monday, but I can sign you out for dinner at Applebee's.")
Meanwhile, the social worker finally saw somebody venture out into the sunshine, Cedric, but she was surprised to see him take his metal detector out there. (He had inherited it from his beachcomber father.) She observed him from the window for a few minutes, then went outside to ask what he was doing in the backyard.
"I'm checking for buried bodies," he said calmly.
Hue stifled a gasp. Cedric had told all sorts of espionage stories over the years, but he had never focused his concerns this close to home. "Whose bodies?"
"MS-13 bodies," he said, referring to the brutal Salvadoran street gang. "They've been chopping up enemies all over Northern Virginia and burying them in shallow graves. A lot of CIA agents live in Northern Virginia, and they generally have shrapnel fragments in their bodies, and Salvadorans hate the CIA, and MS-13 attacks their enemies when they least suspect it--like when they're jogging in Turkey Run or riding their bikes around Lake Barcroft without a gun because they're in their spandex."
The metal detector went off, and Hue jumped. Cedric ran to the porch, put the metal detector down next to his teddy bear Aloysius (watching thoughtfully from a wicker chair), and picked up a gardening spade. He ran back to the spot and started digging.
"It could be anything, Cedric," the social worker said.
Cedric ignored her, egged on by Ghost Henry (who should have had better things to do), and finally found the metal: a small pile of nails which had been rusting under the sod for years, if not decades. "Shrapnel," said Cedric, shaking his head. "The worms have eaten all the flesh."
Back inside, Larry was seated at the shared computer, filming himself and his ventriloquist dummy for his increasingly popular YouTube channel: "Larry and Gary". (The channel was popular both because of how bad Larry was at throwing his voice and because of the crazy things both Larry and"Gary" would say.)
"Today we're going to talk about filing taxes," said Larry.
"Liar!" said Gary, a Caucasian doll with curly black hair, blue eyes, and a pin-striped suit. "You haven't filed taxes since Bush was President!"
"That's true," said Larry, "but you did."
"What?" gasped Gary.
"I filed in your name and stole your money, ha ha!" said Larry.
And then the dummy started yelling and beating up Larry: at least that's what it looked like to Hue when the social worker went back into the house and ran over to pull Gary off.
That's also what it looked like to conspiracy blogger Glenn Michael Beckmann when he viewed the YouTube video on his Southwest Plaza apartment computer. "I knew it!" he shouted out loud, his eyes growing large. "It's alive!"
Back in Arlington, out in the backyard, Cedric continued to sweep the grass, but the starlings watching from the sycamore tree knew he would never find real bones unless he looked under those thorny rose bushes.
*************************************************************
COMING UP: Petro Pig and other
Washingtonians return from OPEC meeting.
posted by washingtonwaterwoman | 2:07 PM
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