Good and bad New Year's resolutions!

Dick Cheney (current president of Heurich Society, former leader of the un-free world): 
--drill Arctic National Wildlife Refuge;
--start a new war in the Middle East;
--outlive his wife so he can run off with Condoleezza Rice.

Ann Bishis (Chief of Staff for Congressman Herrmark):
--start a prayer group on Capitol Hill devoted to Hera and Glaucos;
--successfully lead the Bicameral Anti-Zombie Caucus to total victory;
--get an earmark to clean up fracking-explosion mess at vacation home of boss's parents.

Paul Ryan (Speaker of the House):
--exceed number of pointless bills to repeal Obamacare passed by John Boehner;
--start an Opus Dei chapter on Capitol Hill;
--bench-press 250 pounds;
--find a tactful way to talk to his [zombified] chief of staff about his recent body odor problem;
--get nominated as Republican V.P. candidate, then become Presidential candidate after the Presidential candidate is assassinated by a left-wing nut job whom Ryan tackles to the ground.

Giuliana Sunstream (NoMa lifestyle guru/blogger):
--personally compost 100 Christmas trees;
--hire homeless people to hide hyacinth and tulip bulbs in the FBI headquarters' empty planters;
--sell on QVC a line of throw pillows made from Washington touristy t-shirts stuffed with dryer lint;
--host Paul Ryan's Super Bowl party.

Holly Gonightly (TFFT television reporter):
--lose 10 pounds so people stop saying she's too fat for television;
--break the biggest Washington story of 2016 while wearing red lipstick and a trendy fashion scarf.

Ghost Pippin (deceased cat formerly owned by Condoleezza Rice):
--get other feline ghosts to stop following him around, because cats are solitary hunters;
--piss on Charles Wu in a way that Wu actually smells it;
--move into the Supreme Court (White House already too crowded with ghosts).

The Gopper Ghost (deceased son of famed rat terrier, "The Gipper"):
--gather a large enough spectral canine pack to take on the Zombie Caucus;
--utilize Ghost Anatoly to improve Russian/U.S. relations;
--hear his own bark again, just one more time.

Glenn Michael Beckmann (militia man and conspiracy blogger):
--assassinate Donald Trump on live television, preferably with a cross-bow;
--win joint custody of love child born to Bristol Palin in December.

Central Intelligence Agency:
--assassinate Donald Trump, pin it on ISIS (or North Korea) (or Angela Merkel);
--find new secret sites to torture prisoners;
--overthrow at least one Latin American government, one Asian government, and two Arab governments.

State Department:
--get White House to stop letting CIA set foreign policy.

Ardua (river demon):
--use neo-Nazis and energy from Trump National Golf Club to unleash a new reign of terror;
--return triumphantly to Potomac River, stronger than ever.


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COMING UP:  Adventures of the Cursed Rolex!