Mistletoe Misgivings

Giulianna Sunstream had already made $14,000 selling hand-made goods at the Downtown Holiday Market, and had very little merchandise left.  "This is a miniature Washington Monument made from repurposed toothpaste caps, rubber cement, and silver glitter," she called to a passerby.  "And this is a bonsai Christmas tree made from recycled thrift store wreaths."  All the best stuff was gone, but the shoppers were still stopping by to see Vegas, her toy Maltese, prance around the table with his jingle-bell collar, red sweater vest, and felt reindeer antlers.  And the mistletoe, of course!  She had a huge sprig of it attached to a fishing pole which she liked to swing back and forth over the crowd until she lured somebody in.  The NoMa lifestyle blogger had already posted dozens of kiss photos (some between lovers, some between strangers) on Instagram, and she was trending like crazy.  She was hosting three different Christmas Eve events and four different Christmas parties in her H Street loft, with a mix of invited guests and raffle-ticket winners.  It had been a fantastic year!  She would reward herself with a few days of rest after that before the massive New Year's Eve push--her New Year's Eve resolution being, of course, to go national.

And then Charles Wu approached.  Wu was relaxing after recently using his personal connections at China Unicom to launch a series of anonymous crippling attacks on North Korea's Internet service, earning him another set of huge brownie points with the U.S. Secretary of State.  (He would still prefer to get Angela de la Paz to enter North Korea and assassinate the lunatic, but he could not talk her into it.)  Sunstream thought the semi-Englishman from Hong Kong was the handsomest man she had seen all week, and was about to leap over the table to kiss him under the mistletoe herself when she suddenly realized he was with somebody.  It's that mousy little woman from the Chinatown herb shop! thought Sunstream.  And look at that beautiful child!

That beautiful child was, of course, Buffy Cordelia, who, though only aged three, knew what a mistletoe sprig meant.  "Kiss, kiss!" she shouted to her father.  "Kiss, kiss!"  They were both holding one of her hands, and she pulled them together under the mistletoe.  "Kiss, kiss!"  Wu had been pondering whether to convert Lynnette Wong into Delia's stepmother for some time, so he decided destiny was now pushing him forward.  He leaned down and kissed his longtime acquaintance, business partner, and herbal guru.  Wong, whose parents were from Taiwan, had always had difficulty trusting Wu or considering him a friend, but she also recognized that destiny had intertwined their paths many times--so she kissed him back.  "Yay!" squealed little Delia.  A relieved Wu barely registered the look in Wong's eyes before picking up his daughter and giving her his next kiss--he had only seen Wong's look of passion (Wu's charm was generally irresistible) but not the quick shadow of fear.

Wong knew something was wrong with Wu:  he had more chi than anybody she had ever met, and he was losing control of it.

A jealous Sunstream looked down at her phone and pretended she was posting a photo to Instagram.  Despite her rising popularity as a local lifestyle goddess, the male sex simply did not appreciate her qualities.  She scrolled back through some of the couple photos she had already posted:  the Puerto Rican guy with the Indian girl [Marcos Vazquez and Golden Fawn], the Italian guy with the wild child and pot-bellied pig [Luciano Talaverdi with Helen Yellen and Petro Pig], the lawyer with the do-gooder wife [Felix and Liv Cigemeier], and Bridezilla and her mystery fiancee' (for the first time ever, the woman was not bragging about a ring!).

Then Sunstream's ex showed up.

"Oh, HELLO, Giulianna!"  (She looked up in dismay at the bellowing Glenn Michael Beckmann.)  "This is DARJA!  She's from Ukraine."  (Sunstream flashed a saccharin smile.)  "How about some mistletoe for US?!"

"No need mistletoe!" Darja shouted, even louder than Beckmann, and the pretend mail-order bride grabbed the conspiracy theorist (and Sunstream's rival blogger) for a big wet kiss.

Sunstream felt nauseous.  "It's wonderful about Ukraine," she said, trying to get the repulsive sight to stop.  "They're going to join NATO!"

But Darja was actually a  Ukrainian-speaking Russian only pretending to be Ukrainian.  She was also under demonic influence, and flew into a rage.  "What you know about Ukraine?!"  She picked up the toothpaste-cap Washington Monument and smashed it into a hundred pieces.  Then a fake police officer with goggles on opened a can of tear gas to disperse the crowd, Tasered Darja to death, and fled.  A coughing Beckmann dropped to the ground to revive his pregnant "ukulele" [it was actually a demonic hysterical false pregnancy], but it was too late.

"It's done," the fake police officer said into his mouthpiece, after he had removed his goggles and blended back into the crowd.

Miles away, Dick Cheney smiled.  Now they HAVE to let me back into the Heurich Society!

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COMING UP:  Ho, ho, ho!