The Diary of Glenn Michael Beckmann

Today I went to the namby pamby zoo, by accident.  I was hunting deer in Rock Creek Park, and the last few weeks of mild weather made me go soft!  The humidity hung all over me, like in that rainforest jungle we trained in at Camp LeJeune before heading off to invade Panama.  [Note from Washington Water Woman:  false memory.]  I was hot and thirsty, and hiked until I found a water fountain at the namby pamby National Zoo.  A boy pointed at my bow and arrows (slung across my back), and his namby pamby mother pulled him away from me.  What would they ever do if confronted by animals outside of these namby pamby cages?!  Soft--everybody's gone soft.

Too many animals in one place--a hot, sticky place.  The smells were nauseating.  I tried to go to the men's room to wash my face, but that was the smelliest place of all.  I stumbled out and tried to find my way back to the forest.  I saw cheetahs lying lazily in the grass.  In the yard next to them:  a zebra!  The cheetahs were too lazy to go after the zebra!  And the zebra was nonchalantly rolling in the dirt, without the slightest concern for the cheetahs fifty feet away!  It was a disgusting and unnatural thing.  Lap dogs masquerading as wild animals!  The horror!

I am alone, utterly alone.  Hounded by NSA surveillance, I destroyed my cellphone and computer.  My last message to my faithful blog readers and the men of the Hunter-Gatherer Society?  "I will hand out photocopies of my blog once a week, standing next to the Mahatma Gandhi statue--the last place the Feds would ever think to look for me!"  Fourteen showed up the first Friday, then nine, then four, then none.  I am alone.

But I can't blame the men for being too lazy to  show up and pick up copies of my blog.  No, I know the truth!  My blog has become confused and perplexed.  Too many conspiracies!  I can't keep track of them all!  This is how they keep us off balance and subservient.  The Middle East is the biggest conspiracy of them all!  The Saudi petro dollars are pulling every string, and Obama is just another puppet, but one of the men who showed up at the Gandhi statue two weeks ago asked me to explain what the Saudis are making Obama do, because everybody in Egypt is unhappy with him, and everybody in Syria is unhappy with him, and so who is the real enemy?  How can we be hated by both sides of a civil war?! Is everybody our enemy now?  Because he heard that Christians are being slaughtered in those lands, and he and his brother want to go on a crusade to protect them, but how will they know which people to kill?  Because my blog didn't explain which people in the Middle East we good Christian Americans should be giving missiles to and which ones we should be killing.

So last week I wrote about the neo-Marxian conspiracy, and how the Saudis own the State Department building and charge rent for it, and how Edward Snowden is not in Russia at all but actually in a top-secret CIA prison in Poland, and how plastic recycling is a complete scam because they burn coal over and over and over again to heat the plastic and melt it and chop it to pieces and melt it again just to turn it into pellets, and how zombies from the United Nations are secretly taking over Congress, and how post-Gothic neo-Bellum literature is making all the great Southern writers turn over in their graves, and how drones are telling Coca-Cola Corporation every time we drink a Pepsi, and how Donald Trump and his demon spawn Ivanka are going to turn the Old Post Office into a den of thieves and harlots financed by Saudi petro dollars, and how the Federal Reserve Board sold the secret military base on the moon to fund the bailout of Wall Street, and how that Girl Hurl blogger is a man-hater who wants to teach women how to clone themselves and then get rid of all the men, and how a cabal of dead slaves and other ghosts are secretly running the White House.  But nobody showed up!  I waited all day, but nobody came, and I had to leave the stack of blog photocopies next to the Gandhi statue, under a rock.

But I still don't know what to write about the biggest conspiracies of our day--like, is Bradley Manning a hero or a traitor?!  Because he made Hillary Clinton look bad, which is awesome, but he dumped on a lot of soldiers, which is unworthy.  And why are the Feds going after JPMorgan and Bank of America all these years later, after they were in bed together during the Big Bailout, huh?!  I have no idea!  The conspiracies are becoming so intricate that even I, the country's most patriotic conspiracy theorist, cannot see behind the curtain!  And are Obama and the lamestream media conspiring to hand the next election to Hillary "hairy legs" Clinton, or is Obama conspiring with the National Security Council and the CIA to declare martial law and cement his dictatorship forever?!  I don't know!  And people are hungry for the answers, which I MUST find!

I have contacted M.I.T, Sarah Palin, and the country of Bolivia about designing a secret internet that the U.S. government doesn't know about, but I haven't heard back from any of them.  I am trying to get in touch with Steve Jobs (who is NOT dead, but secretly living in a bunker and definitely working on designing his own private internet), but my associates who had leads on him in Alaska and Idaho haven't found him yet.  So I am turning to this genius I found named The Tarantula, and he's going to design an encryption system for me, so that I can start blogging on the web again!  It's going to all be in code, and only my trusted followers and members of the Hunter-Gatherer Society will know the code!  It's going to be totally awesome.  The whole thing is going to be a fake lifestyle blog, where I talk about exercise tips, fashion, and whether kids should drink chocolate milk.  If I say "death to trans fats" or "khaki is the new beige", only my followers will understand what I'm really saying!

And I need to find a new hiding place for this diary!  I can feel something evil living here at Southwest Plaza, but I haven't found it yet.  (But I'm not going to name the new diary hiding place in my diary because then somebody might get a hold of it.)

***************************
NEXT WEEK:  
The Heurich Society schism grows deeper and more deadly.