Washington Horror Blog

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Sunday, January 20, 2013

Gimme, gimme, gimme: Washingtonians' wish list for Obama's second term.


Leo Schwartz (psychologist):
More resources for group homes for the mentally ill.

Cedric (current resident of Arlington group home for the mentally ill, former CIA):
Don't come for my guns!

Millie (big brown helping dog that lives at Arlington group home for the mentally ill):
Please come for Cedric's guns before Larry finds them!

Atticus Hawk (Justice Department attorney/apologist for secret police state):
Please don't catch Basia Karbusky!  (Or maybe I do want her caught?  I don't know!)

Congressman Herrmark:
Appoint me to a bipartisan commission to evaluate the dangers of hydrofracking and the catastrophic results of the Halliburton loophole.  Until that happens, I'm not giving away any votes this Congress, no sir!  I'll vote present to everything that doesn't have something in it for me.

Dubious McGinty (Vietnam War veteran; resident of 14th Street Bridge tower):
When are you gonna call out the Predator drone strike on Ardua of the Potomac?!  She just gettin' bigger and meaner every year!  You think some sheik in Yemen is a problem?  Wake up and smell the demon in your own backyard, man!

Luciano Talaverdi (Federal Reserve Board economist):
Get rid of the penny, nickel, and dime!  We are paying TEN TIMES what they are worth to mine and manufacture those!  Those Presidents are already honored on other denominations of currency--denominations which can actually purchase something!  Prove to the world you are not a slave to myopic political sacred cows.  (What?  Yes, I realize that's a mixed metaphor, but he will understand.  Well, I have a better expression in Italian, but that one he really won't understand.  What?  Oh, the word "slave".  Well, I don't really think it's politically incorrect.  You want me to rewrite the entire thing?  The way you rewrote my Op-Ed for the "Wall Street Journal"?  I don't think so, Obi Wan Woman!)

Dr. Khalid Mohammad (GWU Hospital physician taking a sabbatical to return to Lebanon):
Please don't send the Predator drones.  Please.  We are a very small country--you could easily miss.

Glenn Michael Beckmann (hallucinatory, murderous militia man and conspiracy blogger):
The Hunter-Gather Society will never recognize you as President, so drop dead!  But it would be nice if you sent convicted terrorists on prison gang chains to pick the fruits and vegetables since a lot of the illegal aliens are gone now.  We don't need that stuff picked for our own sake because we're the Hunter-Gatherer Society, but it's important for rural America--otherwise they'll all sell their farms to the Chinese, and they'll switch everything to rice, and we'll all end up with swamps and malaria and communism, and we'll lose baseball and NASCAR and apple pie and beauty pageants.

Dr. Devi Rajatala (National Arboretum arborist):
Get serious about climate change.

Evermore Breadman (former U.S. Senator; current partner at Prince and Prowling):
Thank you for bringing back corporate sponsorship to the inaugural festivities!  Looking forward to seeing you at the Pay to Play Ball, I mean the Plug and Play Ball, no, the Power Play Ball.  (No?  What are we sponsoring?  Cigemeier!)  Oh, the Power Future Ball!  That's it!

Mia (former sex-trafficked minor; current nanny):
Please stop human trafficking.

John Boehner (U.S. Congressman and Speaker of the House):
Drop dead.   KIDDING!  But your legislative agenda has already dropped dead--stillborn, actually.  No--aborted from the womb!  (Wait, don't put that down--let me rephrase.  DON'T PUT THAT DOWN!  Damn lamestream media!)

Dick Cheney (former fascist dictator):
Drop dead.  NOT kidding.  (Go ahead--print that.  What's he gonna do?  Send a death panel to my mansion?)

Ghost Dennis (White House resident):
Stop by to see me:  I can help with more than Malia's homework. 

Golden Fawn (Cheyenne/Cree/Delaware woman; works at National Museum of the American Indian):
Let us know peace.
For as long as the moon shall rise,
For as long as the rivers shall flow,
For as long as the sun shall shine,
For as long as the grass shall grow,
Let us know peace.

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