Serial Predators

Augustus Bush was hosting another meeting with the Bo-Oz 5G consulting team (from Booz Allen).  "The world is a rapidly changing place," said the president of International Development Machine.  "One day you're using money from a USAID participant training program to send Yemenis to the University of Missouri; the next minute, they're leading a violent terrorist group in the desert.  Is that the kind of leadership we want to be disseminating?"

"One minute the Republicans are sending arms to freedom fighters in Afghanistan; the next minute, they've labeled them Taliban terrorists, enemies of humanity," replied Fen Do Ping, prompting frowns from everybody else in the room.  "What?"

"As I was saying," said Bush (of the U.S. Virgin Islands branch of the Bush clan), "I want IDM to stay ahead of the game.  You guys have come up with some great out-of-the-box ideas, but we need at least one project in a more traditional sector, something that will stand the test of time.  They say the only sure things are death and taxes.  Well, there are some great places in the Caribbean to avoid taxes, but nobody's come up with a way to avoid death.  What can we do in the death sector?"

"Train participants to run funeral homes."

"Get USAID money to set up funeral homes in refugee camps."

"Get United Nations money to set up funeral homes on the Turkey/Syria border."

"BIGGER!" exclaimed Bush.

"Well," said Ping (a former Federal Reserve Board economist), "the only real growth industry in Africa and the Middle East is weaponry.  If we used micro-credit, we could help poor people get into arms trafficking.  Why should cartels and religious zealots have the largest market share?"

"Go on," said Bush, leaning back in his black leather armchair.

"Naturally, the big donors will shy away from chemical weapons or nuclear bombs," said Ping, "but, as we have seen in Syria, there is still huge demand for close and medium range projectiles.  We could pitch it as women empowerment."

"Women?" asked Bush.

"Traditionally underrepresented in the munitions sector," said Ping.  "Micro-credit to women in Africa and the Middle East to start their own arms manufacturing and distribution enterprises."

"I like it!" exclaimed Bush.  "We can try some pilot programs in Yemen and South Sudan, maybe Eritrea.  Egypt might even go for it, or Libya.  Draw me up a formal proposal, and we'll meet again next week!"  He stood up to shake hands, then hollered "Cigemeier!" so that Liv Cigemeier would come to his office (from wherever she was).

A few miles away, a Prince and Prowling junior partner looked up after hearing "Cigemeier!" barked in his doorway by former Senator Evermore Breadman.  (He still doesn't know my first name, does he?  I thought after I made partner, everybody would know my name!) 

"Yes, sir," said Cigemeier, standing up.

"Pull all the news stories on the Capital One settlement--we're having a conference call at 2 p.m. on the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau's first victim.  And write a memo."

"Sir--?"  (But Breadman was already walking away.)  Alright, I guess I'll just put in the memo whatever the hell I feel like writing!  Then he called his wife to ask her for her opinion on the CFPB settlement with Capital One.  (This was the sort of larkish thing he was prone to do since becoming a partner at Prince and Prowling.)  Then he heard Breadman barking at Bridezilla's doorway down the hallway--something about her being too old to run for the Young Lawyers something-or-other, and too young to run for anything else at the American Bar Association.  ("If Prince and Prowling wanted you to run for an office, we'd tell you!")  Twenty seconds later, Bridezilla was entering Cigemeier's doorway.

"Did you hear that?!" she exclaimed, shutting the door behind her.  "I'm a partner, just like him!  Who is he to tell me I can't run for Chair of the Young Women Lawyers Constitutional Forum Section of the American Bar Association?!"

"We're not just like him!" replied Cigemeier.  "Do you know how much money he has generated for this law firm?!"

"Well, we're junior partners!  Nobody can expect us to rake in that kind of money--and we need to build a name for ourselves!"

"I agree," said Cigemeier, "but in this case, maybe you should think about his advice."

"You think I'm too old for the--"

"The 'Young Lawyers' sections are for new attorneys, not people who have already made partner.  You should look at bigger committees, and get involved as treasurer or something else first," said Cigemeier.

"I can't believe it!  You, of all people!" exclaimed Bridezilla.

"What does that mean?" asked Cigemeier, indignantly.

"I thought you were different!" she exclaimed, and yanked the door open dramatically, the way Bucky had demonstrated to her.  "Well, Bucky believes in me!" she said in conclusion, tossing her hair and marching out.

"Who's Bucky?" he called after her, in vain.

Then contract attorney Laura Moreno knocked meekly on his door.  "Here's the first one," she said, handing him a thick folder flagged with post-it-notes all over it.

"And the other one?" asked Cigemeier.

"The new temp hasn't finished it yet," she said.

"How far has he gotten?" asked Cigemeier.

"Well," said Cigemeier, who knew that the temp had spent the entire morning making phone calls and doing paperwork for a client from his solo practice.

"Just do it yourself," said Cigemeier, who was exasperated that they could never find temps as good as Moreno.

Half a mile away, the Assistant Deputy Administrator for Hope was cleaning up the papers that had accumulated haphazardly around his office during the Huma Abedin crisis caused by Michele Bachmann.  He had never seen wagons circle so quickly or so tightly at the State Department as they did to protect that woman!  And now he knew why:  Project R.O.D.H.A.M.!  Reserve Officers Deployed to Hunt Armed Misogynists!  Clinton's secret weapon!  Her own little army!  Of course, it was a little army:  there was only so much money you could spend secretly at the State Department.  And now he was in on it!  Well, he was in the loop, anyway.  Yes, Human Abedin had some secrets!  But the funny thing was, Bachmann might have approved, had she known.  Wait a minute....  He stopped and looked at the framed photo he kept of Eva Brown on his desk (long after their break-up).  Is that what you were doing in Asia?!

A block away, Luciano Talaverdi was reading the latest security briefing for senior economists and officers of the Federal Reserve Board:  a new blog entry entitled "Serial Creditor - Serial Predator" was calling for violent overthrow of the FRB.  The blog was written by Glenn Michael Beckmann, who was now under federal surveillance.  The blog post had received 57,819 hits as of July 18th, 2 p.m.  Fifty-seven thousand people have read this, but the Post would not publish my "End of Hyperbole" op-ed!  It is no wonder people in this country are so ignorant of economics!  How many of them even know that Bernanke testified to Congress this week?  They are more interested in the TomKat divorce!  The Italian sighed and headed up to the cafeteria to drown his sorrows in soft serve ice cream.

Out in the river, Ardua of the Potomac prepared for another violent thunderstorm to wash the hapless and helpless down into her world, and smirked.