Washington Horror Blog

SEMI-FICTIONAL CHRONICLE of the EVIL THAT INFECTS WASHINGTON, D.C. To read Prologue and Character Guide, please see www.washingtonhorrorblog.com, updated 6/6//2017. Follow Washington Water Woman on Twitter @HorrorDC ....

Sunday, November 26, 2017

The Giant Sea Shell of Death

Ivanka Trump was, for the first time, hosting a meeting of Sense of Entitlement Anonymous (D.C. Chapter) in her own home.  The attendees were in awe of her white pumpkin-filled, gigantic sea shell.

"Was there a pearl the size of a grapefruit in that oyster?!" exclaimed Bridezilla.

"That is not an oyster," said Federal Reserve Board economist Luciano Talaverdi Yellen.  "It is the shell of an endangered giant sea clam."

"The Endangered Species Act is so ridiculous!" piped in Justice Neil Gorsuch.  "The Founding Fathers roll over in their graves every time it's upheld in court!"

"You think they would have wanted the Bald Eagle to go instinct?" asked Judge Sowell Ame.  "Anyway, I have to follow precedent!  Some of us aren't at liberty to throw out decades of jurisprudence just because there was a hundred-million-dollar slush fund pushing us into a lifetime appointment!"

"How dare you imply that a Supreme Court opening was purchased by dark money!" cried Chief Justice John Roberts.

"They paid McConnell not to allow a hearing on Merrick Garland, didn't they?" said Dick Cheney.  "What a brilliant move!  Boy, I thought I had balls when I ran this town, but this is at a whole new level now!  Whoa, Nelly!"

"Now, now!" fussed Ivanka, walking into the room accompanied by two Mexican maids--one carrying a silver tray laden with oysters Rockefeller, and the other a silver tray laden with hot mini-quiches in the shape of oak leaves.  "We don't need to talk about politics all of the time!"

"I agree!" said Talaverdi Yellen.  "Let's talk about economics!"

"Oh, my Gawd!" moaned a member of N.U.T.T.Y. (Nannies United to Take Y-chromosomes).  "Nobody cares about that!"

"You should care!" chided Talaverdi Yellen, turning to wag his finger at her.  "Your taxes will certainly go up if this Republican tax plan goes through!  I, myself, will probably pay fewer taxes, but what good will that do when the federal budget explodes and the American economy tanks?  All the fiscal attacks on teachers, nurses, graduate students, uninsured children, destitute elderly--hell, do they really think there won't be an armed revolution in this country!?  There are more guns than people here!  And if that doesn't kill me, the complete evisceration of all federal functions except military, coupled with a misplaced Libertarian backlash against the Federal Reserve Board, will leave me unemployed!  As an Italian citizen, I will be at a disadvantage competing for jobs in the academic sector, and will have to return to Italy with all my United States retirement savings more endangered than this hideous clam!"

"Hey!" sputtered Ivanka, unaccustomed to rudeness in her inner circle.

"Oh, lighten up!" laughed John Boehner.  "It's the holidays!  Eat, drink, and smoke--for tomorrow we die!"

"It's 'be merry', not 'smoke', John," said realtor Calico Johnson.

"You be merry your way, and I'll be merry my way!"

"Do you think taxes matter to us?" exclaimed another member of N.U.T.T.Y.  "Most of us are #MeToo victims, but nobody will believe us!"

"That's because you're trying to steal your charges' fathers away from their wives!" scoffed Gorsuch.  "You are the sexual predators!"

"Hey!" protested Ivanka, uncertain what a perfect hostess would do in this situation, and frustrated she had not seen a truly photogenic moment to post online.

"Nobody understands us!" protested a third member of N.U.T.T.Y. (who had thought her life would change during a brief fling with Ame, but then he told her he needed to "focus on his career").  "If I seduce a father, and then he refuses to leave his wife to marry me, I am the victim!  I am still the nanny!"

"You have no idea what #MeToo means!" screamed a former member of the FISA Court, trying to control the tears welling up in her eyes.  "When Steve Bannon came and asked for permission to spy on Barack Obama because he is a Kenyan, and he pulled out his dick and said he's going to get what he wants one way or another, and I complained to my supervisor, and he called me a liar!?"

"That is a shocking accusation!" cried Gorsuch.  "You can't just smear a man's hard-earned reputation like that!"

Boehner burst out laughing.  "I think that's actually solidifying Bannon's hard-earned reputation!

"Hey, here's a thought!" interjected Ivanka, who had been frantically texting her favorite new lifestyle blogger Giuliana Sunstream, to get ideas to steer party conversation in a safe direction.  "Let's go around the room, and each person show us their favorite photo they took on Thanksgiving!"

"No dick photos!" two different women cried in unison, and Ivanka quickly looked down at her phone to see what else Giuliana would suggest.

"Could we just stop using the word 'dick', for God's sake?!" complained Cheney.  "Let's stick with 'willy' or--"

"By the way, Dick," interrupted Roberts, "you must be thrilled that Christian Bale is going to play you in a Hollywood film!  He's outstanding!"

"He's Welsh, for God's sake!"

"Who would you have picked?" asked Johnson.  "I think when my story is told, it should be Chris Pine, or maybe Chris Pratt, or possibly Chris Evans."

"A solid American actor, like Tom Cruise," said Cheney.  Bridezilla burst out laughing, causing Cheney to get red in the face and lash out at Johnson.  "And why the Hell would they do a movie about you?"

"Oh, Dick!" said Bridezilla.  "I love you, Dick, but that is all wrong for you!  Bruce Willis with glasses--that's the way to go!"

"Okay," said Cheney, "that would work."

"I've had an amazing life!" protested Johnson.  "I'm a successful real estate mogul, just like Trump."  (Several pairs of eyes rolled.)  "I'll probably run for Governor of Maryland someday, and I've dated some extraordinary women--one of them died in mysterious circumstances, and another, well, we didn't really date, but the FBI questioned me after she burned her own house down, and then--"

"What were you doing when that woman died?!" interrupted a member of N.U.T.T.Y.

"I had nothing to do with it!" cried Johnson.  "I wasn't even there!"

"Well, you brought it up," said Ame.

"Hey!" broke in Ivanka, ready to put out another suggestion from Giuliana Sunstream.  "On Thanksgiving, we all say what we're thankful for, but why don't we say today what others are thankful to us about!  I'll start: people are thankful to me for being a great boss!"

"In China?" asked Boehner under his breath, before accidentally bursting into laughter at his own joke.

"People are thankful to me for bringing Originalism and integrity to the Supreme Court of the United States!" declared Gorsuch.

"You just did a paid speaking gig at Trump International Hotel!" retorted Ame.  "I once got a formal reprimand for drinking chablis at a neighborhood wine tasting!  How was I supposed to know their neighbors were suing over rats in the alley?"

"People are thankful to me because I know what fascism is," said Talaverdi Yellen, "and I am warning people in this country that if a great country like Italy can be set a hundred years back economically, so can--"

"Oh, stuff it, you wop!" exclaimed Ivanka, jumping to her feet.  "My father is not a fascist!"

"What's a fascist?" asked Ivanka's young daughter, who had escaped the nanny and entered the room hoping to find cake.

It was at this point in time that a tipsy hunter who was illegally engaged in after-dark deer-hunting in Rock Creek Park, and who had climbed a tree to get a better vantage point with his infrared goggles, lost his balance while shooting his cross-bow and let fly an arrow that arced over and well past the trees, then came crashing down through the little girl's upstairs bedroom window.  (Yes, Ivanka's daughter had narrowly escaped accidental death at the hands of Glenn Michael Beckmann!)  Startled Secret Service officers scrambled into action, racing in to shove Ivanka and the two Supreme Court justices down to the floor--leaving everybody else to fend for themselves.  (But they were all pretty good at it.)

Outside the window, a satisfied member of The Shackled floated off to haunt another house.

The Diary of Jared Kushner!


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