Washington Horror Blog

SEMI-FICTIONAL CHRONICLE of the EVIL THAT INFECTS WASHINGTON, D.C. To read Prologue and Character Guide, please see www.washingtonhorrorblog.com, updated 6/6//2017. Follow Washington Water Woman on Twitter @HorrorDC ....

Sunday, October 14, 2012

The Diary of Bridezilla's Political Romance

It's hard not to think about Bucky and "Shear Madness" on Sundays, but he took the breakup well and said we could always be friends.  He also promised to sing at my wedding, though I think my father would complain that he's gay because he's very show biz.  (And Daddy doesn't understand bisexuality.)  And if I marry Mal, it would have to be a Republican singer, of course, and that usually means country-western, and I do NOT want a hillbilly wedding, that's for sure.  (How can I wear Vera Wang to a hillbilly wedding?!  Of course, Vera Wang is not the top designer anymore, and I would probably need to buy something a little more traditional--like Kate Middleton's gown!)

Cigemeier caught me looking at bridal magazines in my office again and asked me if Bucky had popped the question!  You should have seen the look of surprise when I told him I was now dating an important Republican super pac strategist and publicist!  (And he's the third person that said, "Malevolent?"  And I had to repeat "Mal Evelynt," and he was still looking at me funny, and I had to say, "Mal-colm-E-ve-lynt"!  I always have to say it like that.)

It IS true I have been SLIGHTLY neglectful of my duties as a partner at Prince and Prowling, but how often does a girl fall in love AND play a crucial role in a national presidential election??!!  I'm raising money, attending fancy parties, writing political ads--well, contributing--it's a group process.  And one of my contributions found its way to MISTER PAUL RYAN!  Yep, that was me that said:  every time somebody complains that Mitt Romney is not a car person or doesn't care about the automobile industry, tell that story about how he gave money to the people who had a car accident.  (Some people said, "that makes no sense," and I said, "it's about CAR PEOPLE, duh.")

My dream is to do a voice-over on a SuperPac television ad, but Mal said, "Sweetheart, I love you, but your voice is just a little too nasal for prime time!"  ME NASAL?  I'm from the SOUTH!  I won a Junior Miss Pageant in Virginia!  I tried to explain to Mal that it's a TWANG, but he said, "Whatever it is, it's too much for prime time--not unless you can convert it to something a little throatier, like a Georgia accent."  WHAT??!!  You want me talking like Jimmy Carter in a political ad?!  Needless to say, we could not reach agreement on that one.

But every cloud has a silver lining!!!!  He said he's working on a political ad that I can appear in as an ACTRESS!!!!!  (Well, non-speaking role, but STILL!)  He said Sarah Palin had the sexy librarian fantasy look, but I had something better--sexy southern lawyer beauty pageant kind of thing.  He totally gets me!

So, I was telling Cigemeier about all this (well, not that last bit), and he asked, "Are you even INTERESTED in being a lawyer?"  Why do people keep saying that to me!?  Who does he think he is, anyway--the next named partner at Prince and Prowling?  Prince, Prowling, and Cigemeier?  Ha!  Like that's gonna happen.  So I had to spell out to him how important free speech is in influencing elections, and every lawyer should care about elections.  Then he has the nerve to try debating the issues with me!  ME!  Hello, I'm a major Republican player now!  And then, GET THIS:  he's become a conspiracy nut!  Cigemeier said he thinks the CIA killed our ambassador in Libya, and that's why Clinton and Obama don't know what the hell happened there!  I told him that was ridiculous--why couldn't he just admit the Democrats are incompetent?  So he asked, do you think the people guarding the embassy were Democrats?  I didn't say THAT!  Geez!  This is why it's pointless to discuss politics with Democrats--they will never admit when they've made a mistake.  

(Like Mitt Romney admitted he made a mistake when he said that thing about 47% of the people!  Of course, the inside joke is that the mistake was, he meant to say 49%!)

But we don't do much joking around, because it's serious--not like those people that did a zombie march on Washington because Dish TV isn't carrying some television channel with a zombie show on it.  (GET A LIFE, PEOPLE!  HONESTLY!)  And now some fools are planning a Million Muppet March to defend PBS because people in rural areas need it, and stupid reasons like that.  (Pay for your damned satellite dish, and GET A LIFE!)  We've got nuclear submarines colliding with Navy cruisers off the coast of VIRGINIA!  We've got serious crap going on, and this election is CRUCIAL!  Of course, when I see Cigemeier tomorrow, he'll probably say they collided on purpose to make Obama look bad, or somebody's trying to use nuclear submarines to overthrow the government (like on "Last Resort").

But I am grateful to Cigemeier for ONE thing--he did warn me that Senator Breadman will hit the roof if my partisan activity becomes too noticeable.  BREADMAN takes money from Republican clients ALL the time, but he also takes money from Democrats.  SOME of us have principles!  But I would do anything for Mal and Romney!  Well, I won't talk like Jimmy Carter, but I will do anything ELSE!  I LOVE THEM!!!!!

Next weekend, Washington Water Woman will take back her blog!  (Coming up:  Becky Hartley will leave the Church of Scientology, Angela de la Paz will meet her first love, Buffy Cordelia will meet her Chinese grandmother, and the CIA will continue to--CENSORED.) 


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